If you are honest, and I mean radically honest with yourself, are your needs being met? When I say needs, I’m referring to the basics, the bones, like the foundation of a house.
What about your desires – are your desires being met? When was the last time you felt fulfilled? When was the last time you had amazing sex you thought about for days afterward? When was the last time you felt like you could relax, like everything would be taken care of?
If you’re an over-functioning, high-achieving, people-pleasing woman, there’s a good chance both your needs and desires aren’t being met.
I see a variation of this every single day. Superwomen forget what is possible in their relationships and for themselves when it comes to intimacy. They dream so big when it comes to career or for their families, but it's like they turn off their desires, their intuition, and their dreams when it comes to sex, love, connection, and intimacy.
I treated over 2000 women when I had my medical clinic and I’ve coached hundreds of superwomen and continue to daily – When asked “what do you desire?” one of two things usually happens.
There are several reasons for this and the main reason is that we’ve had no modeling from previous generations. It’s not that you don’t have desires, it’s that you don’t know that you’re allowed to have them. Throughout your lifetime, you haven't been given permission to desire, especially intimate desires. You weren’t taught to explore your sexuality – what turns you on, how do you like to be touched, how do you like to be spoken to, how do you like to have sex initiated.
At the end of the day, as over-functioning people-pleasers, we have no clue about our desires. That part of our brain just doesn’t work that way. Instead, we’re in survival mode. We feel the most safe when we’re crossing items off our to-do list, doing everything for everyone, and “doing”.
There are three main issues I see in superwomen relationships that your traditional relationship therapist and/or relationship coach aren’t talking about.
We’re cut off from our desires
Superwomen have desires at work or other areas of our lives, but I’d consider these more like goals – Goals for the next quarter, goals for a promotion, goals for the house we want to build, etc.
But when it comes to desiring big when it comes to OUR intimate needs, we suck! We don’t know if or how we’ll get it so it’s scary for us. At the end of the day we cannot have intimacy with others if we don’t have intimacy with ourselves – with what we want, with what will make us happy.
And this is when we end up with two people in a relationship that are like great teammates, but they're not great lovers anymore.
We're in our head and not our body
Superwomen are not very good at feeling. We’re great at thinking our feelings or ignoring/numbing them altogether but truly feeling our feelings isn’t something we’re good at. Instead, we’re stuck in our heads which is terrible for intimate relationships.
We have limiting beliefs
We have this pervasive “I can do it all myself” belief where we believe we “don’t need anyone” and constantly have our superwoman cape on.
And you know what? We CAN do it all on our own and we don’t need anyone. The superwomen I work with are entrepreneurs, doctors, high-level coaches, professors, industry leaders, and overall just badass women.
The problem is that there needs to be balance and without it, you’ll accomplish so much success in your life but still have little pleasure to show for it.
So what does all this have to do with being seen as “needy”? Everything.
Everything I’ve just written seems like a long way to say that you’re not needy, your needs are just not being met. But it’s important to have that background information because these three patterns that I consistently see in superwomen relationships lead you to feeling like you have no needs, you have no desires, and you can do everything on your own.
But the one thing I want you to take away from all this is that it’s not your fault, you’re not needy, and you’re not alone.
As superwomen we’re constantly shrinking our desires, denying them, and settling for crumbs because we’ve been taught to be great at tolerating. As a result, we’re denying the parts of ourselves that make us most alive.
How do we expect to fully show up and be loved fully when we are not fully expressed in ourselves, in our intimacy, in our sexuality, and in our desires? We can’t. But it’s not your fault. It’s because of good girl conditioning and what’s been modeled for us since childhood that has gotten us here, and now it’s negatively impacting our health and intimate relationships.
And the worst part is that as high-achieving women, we blame ourselves. We think it’s our fault that we have so much success but something is lacking in our intimate relationships. We feel guilty because we have so much in our lives but we still aren’t happy or fulfilled.
But it really is as simple as this.
Over-functioner + Under-functioner = Superwoman Relationship
Because when we’re over-functioning, it gives our partner the space to under-function. And this results in a toxic relationship, which I define as a relationship where your needs are not being met.
It’s important to note that two well meaning people who love each other can be in a toxic relationship. But I have seen this dynamic more times than I can count.
Here are some questions to help you determine if you’re over-functioning to the point where your needs and/or desires are not being met and you may be in a toxic relationship. I want you to practice radical honesty with this one – A “no” is a FULL f**k no, and is it’s “eh, sometimes” it’s still a “yes”.
If you answered “yes” to 3 or more of these, you may be in a toxic relationship. But I want you to breathe, because like I mentioned, two well-meaning people who are in love can be in a toxic relationship and it doesn’t mean that you need to break up or get a divorce.
But there IS work that needs to be done.
And part of this work is about turning the pleasure centers in our brain back on so that we can feel safe when we’re not over-functioning and putting everyone else before ourselves. A summary of what that includes is:
There are two ways you can work with me to fill the void you’ve been feeling and achieve the intimacy and connection you’ve been craving.
1:1 Private Coaching with Dr. J
At the time I am writing this, applications are open for private coaching – Private and exclusive pleasure and intimacy coaching for successful women looking for intimacy, better sex, and more connected relationships. Click here to learn more and apply to work with me.
Enroll in the Pleasure Principles™
Pleasure Principles™ is the foundational program created by Dr. Jordin Wiggins to enhance, reignite, and communicate your desires, while bringing the vitality back to you and your relationships. Click here to learn more and enroll in the program.