I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The tools that you use to succeed in business and your career are not the tools you need to succeed in a relationship or to have a fulfilling sex life.
And if you’ve been following my story for long enough, you know I know this not just from helping thousands of women find their pleasure, but from personal experience. This was me and it’s what ultimately led to my divorce. I may not have figured this out in time to save my marriage, but it is my goal to share this message as widely as possible so more women can learn while there’s still time.
Because this is what I needed to learn to achieve the life, love, great sex, and career that I truly desired.
I can still remember the first time I heard a successful business woman say they retired their husband. I was at a women’s business mastermind and when the speaker said this, the crowd cheered and it was the biggest flex. I thought to myself “F yeah, I want that too!”.
So at the time, this goal sounded amazing. And I work with women who still have this goal and some who have even already accomplished it, so this isn’t to say you absolutely need to scrap that goal all together.
Where this starts to become a problem is when it affects the balance in your relationship.
Because when it comes to the thousands of women I’ve worked with who’ve had this dynamic in their relationship, it often ends in divorce (unless they called me first), affairs, or just complete unhappiness.
Does this dynamic work in some relationships? Of course. But let’s talk about why there’s so much more to understand when it comes to feminine and masculine energy and the conditioning women have had since childhood to constantly be in their masculine.
To truly have a fulfilling relationship, two people cannot be in their masculine. As women we’ve been conditioned our whole lives to be in our masculine, but once we’re continuously living in that energy we become lonely, exhausted, depressed, and unfulfilled. I talk more about my personal experience with this in episode 71 of my podcast that covers this topic and I highly recommend giving it a listen.
Remember, the tools and skills that make you so successful in your career are not the same tools and skills needed for a fulfilling relationship. But at the end of the day, we need to be able to take our Superwoman cape off sometimes and embrace our feminine.
Most Superwomen think that they’re most comfortable when in their masculine. Again, because we’re always been told that we can “do it all on our own” and we “don’t need a man” to help us. And while this is true – we CAN do it all ourselves – we also need to be able to let go and receive.
Unless you are truly comfortable being fully in your masculine (yang) – leading, conquering, goal-oriented, completing tasks – and are with a partner who is truly comfortable being fully in their feminine (yin) – rest, connection, fluidity, intuition – there is going to be an imbalance that will keep one or both parties unfulfilled, unhappy, and like something is missing.
These dynamics are relational and interdependent in every person and every relationship, with each one just as important as the other.
We need both, as one cannot exist without the other. But what we tend to do is devalue and forget about the feminine in favour of the masculine because that is how we have been taught to exist, be productive, and to take care of others.
This is why we often need to return to our feminine in order to find our balance in life and in our relationships.
I consider myself a Feminist who believes in equality for all. Which is why I was initially offended by these concepts until I started studying Traditional Chinese Medicine while becoming a Naturopathic Doctor. Now I know that masculine and feminine are different AND equal. This is where our Patriarchal society messed us up. Because more than ever, women are earning more, receiving a good education, getting a seat at the table, etc.
But now we’re doing it all.
We’re making the money AND taking care of the invisible workload, which is leading us into the Feminine Burnout cycle. For example, I mentioned that a few of the women I work with have achieved their goal of retiring their husbands. But guess what? They’re still over-functioning as the primary breadwinner and still taking care of the invisible workload at home. This is leaving them exhausted, gaining weight, noticing declining health, and are overall unfulfilled.
As I mentioned previously, two people cannot be in their masculine in a fulfilling relationship. There needs to be a balance and flow between both.
As women we have devalued the feminine because we grew up hearing messages that we should. We heard things like “don't cry”, “you're too emotional”, “rest is lazy”, etc. So we grow up with this armour around our hearts not trusting or allowing men to protect and provide for us.
And for Superwomen, we don’t know how to let ourselves trust and receive. We don’t know how to feel safe in a relationship where we’re not in control of everything and leading the way. In fact, it almost feels anti-feminist to allow ourselves as women to “surrender”.
Unfortunately, when you’re constantly in your masculine in a relationship, your partner is pushed fully into their feminine. And if they are not truly happy being constantly in their feminine, there’s going to be resentment. They’re going to feel unhappy, un-present, stuck, possibly seeking the feminine elsewhere, etc.
And if you don’t know how to occupy the feminine space, you’re going to feel exhausted and like you’re not being cared for. If this is you, you truly crave for someone to take things off your plate so you can let go and trust that it will be taken care of. Or on the other hand, you don’t know what you desire but you are numbing, over;-functioning, and exhausting yourself.
You’re unhappy, feel like something is missing, and know there must be more but you’re not sure what it is.
This is exactly the work I do – taking these unbalanced relationships and balancing them so both parties are fulfilled, or helping my badass Superwomen let go sometimes and feel safe letting a man lead.
Women often leave a relationship because we don’t believe he can lead us anywhere we can’t take ourselves. This is why I left my marriage. And if you’re the one making the money, planning everything at home, making the appointments, telling him what therapist to see, organizing the vacations, etc. then you are constantly setting the tone and you are in your masculine, like I was.
Note: If this is you, then I promise you’re not having the best sex you could be having.
Now I’m more in love than I have ever been, because I trust my partner to lead (in some areas – I’m still a recovering Superwoman). And it’s not because I can’t lead myself because I definitely can. It’s because I’m learning how to feel safe with healthy masculine leadership and trust the feminine in myself and others.
Oftentimes when men leave a relationship it’s because they’re not getting the feminine energy from their partner that they need. They don’t need a manager, boss, or mother. This just leads to resentment and potentially seeking the feminine elsewhere. What they do want is to feel your depth of feeling (that you’re suppressing) and that includes ALL of you. Not just the pieces you choose to show.
This is why it’s important to remember that it’s ok to trust someone else to be in the driver’s seat sometimes. It’s ok to feel your feelings and embrace your feminine that society taught you to suppress.
Getting out of your masculine and embracing your feminine is deep work. It’s not easy and I know that because I’ve been there. But here are a few things you can do to help restore the balance in your relationship:
This includes simple things like sending him Instagram posts or podcasts to listen to that have advice you want him to follow. Read my blog article where I cover this topic more in-depth.
This one was hard for me and truthfully still is sometimes. But you need to slow down – how you speak, how you move, how you make love, everything. Even the way you sit next to your man or take off your shirt. Slow down and get into that feminine energy. This is hard for us superwomen because it requires presence and requires us to feel. But it’s time to stop outrunning the craziness in your head.
The deeper work includes learning to cultivate safety in yourself to trust healthy masculine and trust your feminine. And if you truly think you’re ready to do the work and live a life with the fullness, radiance, and ease that come from the true intimacy, great sex, and connected relationships, then apply to work with me 1 on 1.
I also highly recommend listening to episode 71 of The Pleasure Principles podcast where I talk much more in-depth about this topic and my experiences.