Beyond the Bedroom: Saving Your Relationship with Pleasure

The term “pleasure” is complicated and often misunderstood. To many women, pleasure has become a bad word. But, why? There’s one thing that’s important to get straight. Pleasure is not always sexual.

“Pleasure” can encompass many things, like the feeling you get when you take a deep breath or the way your toes feel on a sandy beach. Lighting a candle or hearing your favourite song on the radio can cause pleasure. Even the sound of a martini shaker at the end of a long week can be pleasurable. And pleasure can come from human touch. And an orgasm. 

When women approach me with a desire to “save” their relationship, oftentimes the healing needs to begin with the basics -- understanding the meaning of pleasure and letting go of the shame associated with that term.

Society, Pleasure and Feeling Shame

Society and history have perpetuated this negative belief that pleasure is bad for you, and that you should feel only guilt and shame from the things you find pleasure in. How can women be expected to make informed choices when all they are taught is that what feels good is bad for you? They can’t.

Recently, I spoke with graduate of The Pleasure Principles Cressyn, and her husband Ryan to talk all about their journey back to pleasure, in both the bedroom and their relationship as a whole.

One thing that stood out to me was her realization that many of the concerns she was facing in her relationship stemmed from being conditioned to feel shameful when it came to sex and pleasure.

But imagine how great life would be if we were raised without shame. If we could be who we are as people without feeling ashamed of ourselves sexually?

Saving Your Relationship With Pleasure

I wholeheartedly believe, and have witnessed this with my own eyes, that when women understand and demand that their pleasure be met rather than ignored, amazing things happen.

Pleasure keeps us healthy. Pleasure fights depression, improves immune function, relieves pain, and reduces stress. We all need more of that. And you know what else has the proper space and tools to heal when pleasure is embraced and understood? Relationships.

When I spoke with graduate of The Pleasure Principles Cressyn, and her husband Ryan, one of the biggest takeaways was how their relationship fundamentally changed when she was able to restructure her perception of “pleasure”, learn what brought her pleasure, and how to communicate it.

Some of the relationship benefits include:

1. Improved communication as a partnership.

By letting go of those feelings of shame, Cressyn felt more confident communicating with Ryan what brings her pleasure inside and outside of the bedroom. This level of open communication has empowered Cressyn to ask for what she wants and needs, whether it’s something specific in their sex life, emotional support when she’s struggling mentally, or tasks around the house. Both partners agree that this has been a game changer in their relationship and overall happiness.

2. Comfort in setting boundaries.

Knowing what you do not want, setting those boundaries, and clearly communicating that with your partner plays a large role in a healthy relationship. Having clear boundaries for your 100% yes and your 100% no allows you to exist within those confines with confidence and removes the anxiety of trying to figure it out on the spot. Nothing takes you out of the moment faster than a negative thought or your boundaries being pushed past a point you’re comfortable with.

3. Improved self-esteem.

When you let go of feeling shameful and feel comfortable and confident in what brings you pleasure, your self-esteem will change. Elements like mood, stress, and self-esteem all contribute to your feelings in a relationship. Whether that be general resentment toward your partner or a low libido, all of these factors will come together to create an unhealthy environment for your relationship. As a bonus, improved self-esteem and confidence can bring so many positive changes in all areas of your life, from relationships to your career.

Your Relationship Deserves This

Listening to Cressyn and Ryan describe the positive changes in their relationship and even how they’ve altered how they talk about pleasure with their children, is a fantastic example of why we need to open up the conversation about pleasure and reprogram the feelings of shame associated with the term.

Listen to episode #27 of The Pleasure Principles Podcast to learn more about how Cressyn and Ryan saved their relationship with pleasure.