Speaking to a partner about orgasms and pleasure can be intimidating - you don’t want anyone taking it personally or getting offended, especially if it’s not something you’ve spoken about with your partner before. We know asking for what you want can be intimidating for many women but with the right learning and some preparation you can start to achieve what you know you deserve.
What’s important to remember is that communication is key when it comes to pleasure with your partner.
I was asked a question recently:
“Dr. Jordin, I have been faking orgasms with my husband for 18 years and I don’t know how to tell him. I am terrified it is going to crush him and break or trust, but I am starting to learn that I deserve more and want better. What do I do?”
Does this sound like you? You’re not alone.
The orgasm gap is real. Statistics show that a whopping 75% of men orgasm from penetrative sex compared to the only 29% of women that do. A study in 2014 found that 64% of women participants reported reaching orgasm the last time they had sex. This means almost 4 in 10 did not. Breaking it down even more, we find that 85% of the male participants in this study told researchers their partner had reached orgasm. It seems like if only 40% of women orgasmed, but 85% of men thought their partner had orgasmed...does that mean 45% of women are faking orgasm?
What’s even more interesting is that this gap narrows for same-sex relationships with the rate of orgasm for women who identify as lesbian jumping to 75%. Why? Because lesbian woman have to learn what they like and have to communicate.
Only 1 in 3 women orgasm from penetrative sex.
Yet because women in heterosexual relationships typically tend to get their sex education from male-female porn, 7 in 10 women feel like there’s something wrong with them because of the way they get aroused. We’re teaching a system of sexuality that doesn’t work for 70% of women.
While there are practices for women who have difficulty reaching orgasm to implement (look at your vulva in the mirror, masterbate), communicating with your partner can be greatly effective as well.
Here are three communication tips for approaching your partner about orgasms:
1. Start with Information
Facts are neutral and not emotionally charged. Ask your partner “Did you know 50% of women struggle with sexual dysfunction?”. Initiating a conversation with facts helps to address a topic that isn’t something typically discussed.
2. Listen or Read Something Together
If you’re looking for couple specific orgasm information, take a listen to episode 6 of The Pleasure Principles Podcast with your partner as an introduction to the kind of sex that is good for women and what women really want in the bedroom.
3. Give Direct and Specific Instructions For Your Partner
It’s important to be specific when communicating with your partner. Try some phrases like:
“I like it when you ___”
“Can we try ____”
“I need some reassurance that you aren’t annoyed I am taking too long in the moment”
Statistics have been taken from The Pink Canary: The Hidden Secret to Optimum Health for Women by Dr. Jordin Wiggins.