At the end of the day, the skills that make Superwomen so successful in the boardroom and running their businesses are actually a huge disadvantage in the bedroom and in relationships.
Being referred to as “controlling” has a negative stigma attached to it which is why it’s something that Superwomen never want to admit. But hear me out, because I’m a recovering Superwoman at heart, too.
It’s important to talk about the impact control and being “fixers” has in our lives because it’s a hidden compulsion that we need to bring to the surface if we ever want to experience the fullness, radiance and freedom that come from true intimacy, great sex and connected relationships.
Before I go over some tips to stop controlling in your day to day life, let’s start by addressing the two types of control I see show up in the bedrooms and relationships of the thousands of Superwomen I work with.
Overt control is going to look something like this:
Essentially, overt control is when you need to do everything yourself or you fix things that have already been done because you like it a certain way. You don’t want to be let down and for things not to be up to your standards, so you do it all.
I’ve lost count of how many CEO Superwomen I’ve worked with who don’t think twice about delegating a task in their company, but struggle to delegate at home and in their relationships.
This is the sneaky way we control. It’s the way we’re not honest with ourselves about the fact that we’re controlling so we disguise it as other things.
Covert control might appear as always fixing things for people or trying to help someone even though they didn’t ask.
Here are some signs you may be controlling and fixing more than you think:
Oftentimes you do it because you think you “know better”. And the truth is, you probably do know better. Our conditioning as girls to keep the peace in our homes made sure we’re always ready to fix whatever problem comes our way. We can think ten steps ahead for everyone and all the possibilities.
These skills are why Superwomen are CEOs, entrepreneurs of 6+ figure companies, managing huge teams, etc. And sometimes it’s good to have your Superwoman cape on.
But this is where you’re also going wrong.
Essentially it comes down to this. Do you want to be right? Or do you want to have great sex and more connected relationships? You may very well be right about how to do things and seeing problems coming from a mile away, but this erodes the fabric of a good relationship because we are trying to control.
We like to tell ourselves we’re just really helpful and we pride ourselves on being there for others, on being the first one to show up in a crisis, on stepping up and helping out. Even when no one asked us. But if we’re not mindful about where it’s coming from, that can just be a sneaky little hint of control too.
We’re really good at convincing ourselves that we have to help. That our intuition is telling us:
“He’s not ready yet”
Deep down she knows, she just can’t communicate those feelings”
“I know it in my heart”
This is the definition of self sacrifice and control. We are deciding for someone else what is best for them. And in turn, we are minimizing our true needs and over-functioning. But what is this over-giving, over functioning, over-helping really giving us? A sense of control and a messed up mother/child relationship dynamic.
The problem with control in your relationships is that it’s taking away agency from the people you love. And I know you’re not intentionally trying to make them feel useless, incompetent, or reprimanded. But you will if you don’t let that control go because it’s stopping you from loving them from who they really are because you can only love a version of them that you can control.
As a recovering Superwoman, I know that letting go of control is easier said than done. Especially when we’re often doing it without realizing it.
I know it’s scary when you’ve never trusted anyone and never trusted yourself to be ok even if your worst fears do come true. But that’s where the work is – trusting yourself enough to know that no matter what, you’ll find the joy, connection, and love you seek. And trusting others enough that they will still show up for you even when you’re not over-functioning for them all the time.
The hard part is actually allowing other people to show up for you. The part where we surrender.
The part where you have no control over how the people you love are going to act and show up for you or disappoint you. We fear giving them the space because we fear they won't show up the way we want them to. That it would hurt. That waiting and trust is hard for Superwomen because we have such a belief people will leave or we’re not good enough unless we are earning love, providing value, and over-functioning for everyone all of the time.
True love in relationships (romantically and friendships) is free from fear and is selfless. Real love gives without expecting anything in return.
That true acceptance for yourself and others is what is going to fill the hole that has always felt like you weren’t good enough. Because people will show up for you. And you will help people from your genuine heart.
And it will feel so much better.
If this resonated with you, here are a few tips for dipping your toe into a world where you aren’t in control anymore. A world where you are only responsible for you and you can take the armor off and connect authentically like you know you’ve been craving.
Of course, a few tips in a blog article aren’t going to undo the years of conditioning and patterns you have been living with for your entire life.
But it’s the first step and a great place to start – noticing and feeling how these patterns affect your day to day life. I also recommend listening to episode 70 of The Pleasure Principles podcast where I talk about this topic more in-depth.
And then when you are ready to do the real work, the work that will change your life.. that’s when you get in touch with me, a feminine burnout and intimacy coach. If you are interested in learning more and working with me to start undoing these patterns that are holding you back and keeping you from real intimacy, apply here.