There is this false belief that once you are partnered, your pleasure and orgasms are your partner's responsibility. I’ve also had people tell me they and/or their partner consider it cheating or that if you’re self-pleasuring it means something is wrong or missing with your relationship.
In my opinion, the only time I see masturbation being an issue is when it comes between or replaces physical intimacy in a partnership.
I also want to make a note that it’s important to switch things up and not repeat the exact same self-pleasure routine over and over because this will make it harder for partnered sex to be pleasurable.
Otherwise, if you’re not self-pleasuring, it’s a missed opportunity for you, your health, and your relationships.
In this article I am going to make a case for self-pleasure to your superwoman (aka high-achieving, over-functioning, perfectionist) brain, because as a recovering superwoman… I know this all too well.
I know what you’re thinking.
You’re thinking there are so many more productive things you could be accomplishing instead of practicing self-pleasure. And you’re not alone in that thinking. I recently had a client text me:
“Self-pleasure feels like a chore. Like last night I FINALLY took a bath (I've been wanting to for monthsssss) And started a book! But I also brought the wand you gifted us in but it felt like work at that moment, so I just didn't do it.”
My response was to explain how as a superwoman, the pleasure centers in your brain are turned off – meaning that your hormones, cortisol, and nervous system are dysregulated as a response to keep you “safe”. Because of this, your nervous system feels safe focusing on goals, reducing risk, putting out fires that haven’t even happened yet, etc. and does NOT feel safe luxuriating and making yourself feel good.
Think of it like going to the gym. Some days you don’t feel like it, but you know you will feel better after.
Superwomen are high-achieving, people pleasers who are overwhelmed and burnt out. Unfortunately, this is a recipe for NOT so great sex.
If you’re a high-achieving superwoman who DOES have regular sex, can achieve orgasm, has never had complaints from partners, etc., you’re likely having:
People pleasing (codependency) is a problem for sex, connection and intimacy for three main reasons:
When we constantly focus on someone else's pleasure, it means sex is not as good as it can be for us and we also rob our partners of the experience to truly please us. I have no doubt that you’re fantastic at giving pleasure. But GIVING pleasure is one thing.. Being able to truly RECEIVE results in a totally different (and much deeper) level of connection.
Oftentimes when women enroll in my signature program, Pleasure Principles, it is the first time they’ve given themselves permission to explore THEIR pleasure. What they discover is truly amazing and they bring back a renewed desire to their lives and relationships. Because when you learn to RECIEVE pleasure, this is intimacy on a whole new level.
I could write for hours about the benefits of self-pleasure, but here’s a quick list.
Us superwomen are quick to be prescribed medication or spend a fortune on self improvement, BUT have you tried having 2-3 orgasms per week for a month?
Research says that people who masturbate regularly actually have "higher levels of sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction” and I truly believe that self-pleasure is a relationship enhancement and health enhancement.
Now I know where you are in your over-functioning, superwoman brain. You are calculating where to add self pleasure in your busy schedule, what to do with the kids, what you need to take away, etc. and you’ll just do what you need to do to “get you off” the fastest so you can check it off your to-do list and move on to something else.
But allowing yourself to continue on this path of minimal pleasure is robbing you of your own sexuality, your own sexual power, and a more connected relationship. As superwomen, we need to experience OURSELVES sexually, in a way that feels safe to our nervous systems AND experience ourselves in partnership. Because how else are we supposed to know what we want?
Plus, imagine being able to come into a relationship with turn on, a full cup, dripping with overflow. Now THAT is a turn on.
There are two ways you can work with me to fill the void you’ve been feeling and achieve the intimacy and connection you’ve been craving.
1:1 Private Coaching with Dr. J
At the time I am writing this, applications are open for private coaching – Private and exclusive pleasure and intimacy coaching for successful women looking for intimacy, better sex, and more connected relationships. Click here to learn more and apply to work with me.
Enroll in the Pleasure Principles™
Pleasure Principles™ is the foundational program created by Dr. Jordin Wiggins to enhance, reignite, and communicate your desires, while bringing the vitality back to you and your relationships. Click here to learn more and enroll in the program.