One of the biggest threats to women’s health today is one we’re only just starting to talk about – lack of pleasure.
If you’ve been following me, reading my blogs or listening to my podcast, then you probably already know that 1 in 2 women will suffer from sexual dysfunction in their lifetime. This means 1 in 2 women are lacking desire, not able to get turned on, have difficulty orgasming, aren’t orgasming at all, are experiencing pelvic pain, and more.
We don’t talk about this enough. Even worse, less than 20% of women feel comfortable enough to go to their doctors about their low libido.
So here you are, left without answers, feeling alone, like something is wrong with you, and like there are miles between you and your partner. But I can guarantee that you are not the only woman who thinks something is wrong with them because they may not feel like having sex all that much, or maybe they feel like they want it too much. You’re also not the only woman who holds on to shame and embarrassment about their sexuality and the fact that they haven’t had sex in months. Or years.
There’s nothing wrong with you. But there is something wrong with how we’ve been conditioned our whole lives to over-function and take care of everyone else before ourselves. That’s what we call Superwoman conditioning and it’s what’s holding you back from the life, sex, relationships, and beyond that you deserve.
In short, a Superwoman is the person who has everything together, is the backbone of their family and/or their office, is the person who’s always planning, organizing and keeping everything around them from falling apart.
So, Why is Over-Functioning Impacting Your Sex Life?
The skills that make us good in business or managing a family - planning, problem solving, achieving, perfectionism, etc. - are not the same skills needed to enjoy and experience a fulfilling sexual and romantic relationship.
Some of you already know that you are overwhelmed and burnt out and you don't care if you have sex, but its' a problem for your partner. On the contrary, even the Superwomen I work with who are having sex often, aren't truly having great sex. This is because they’ve trained themselves to be turned on by acting out steps they researched (can you spot the Superwoman trait here?).
You’re not having great sex because you’re having sex by doing, instead of being, feeling, and receiving.
The dialogue in your head might sound a little bit like this:
First we do this, then this and what time is it? Should I change positions? How does this look? Am I doing this right? I better hurry up and finish. Great, now it's over and i didn't.
So, what’s the connection here?
A Superwoman takes care of everything on the outside. We receive external validation, praise, and acknowledgement from the outside instead of within. But external validation always fails.
From a young age we were earning praise, told to smile, expected to be perfect in school, athletics, at home, everything. We were taught we were not deserving of love unless we earned it by being perfect and hiding parts of ourselves.
This is the pattern Superwomen have to break if they want to have good sex. Because good sex is all about the inside. It’s about what YOU desire and what makes YOU feel good.
It’s about being worthy of divine pleasure. It’s about receiving.
Unfortunately, Superwomen are not great at receiving. Whether it’s a compliment, an earth shattering orgasm, help with housework, time to rest, more money, etc. We think we have to earn it all by working harder. We think that we have to make everyone else feel good at the expense of ourselves. This is because we’re too focused on the outside (perfectionism, people pleasing, control, our body.
We have been taught our whole lives to value doing over being, accomplishing over resting, logic over feeling, research over intuition. Now, we as Superwomen are so disconnected from those inner workings of ourselves that it is affecting our sex, our health, and our success.
How To Have Great Sex as a Superwoman
If you are constantly wearing your Superwoman cape, you’re not going to experience true connection, intimacy, partnership, etc. But all of these things are fundamental to building and keeping strong and healthy relationships.
We often like to think if our partner’s did more to help, that our problems would be solved. For example, “If they would only help with the laundry” or “If they would just take on more planning for that trip or date nights”. But if you’re a true Superwoman, even if they were to do these things, it won’t feel as good as you think it would. It’s a drop of water when you have been thirsty for years.
The solution has to start with you and breaking these Superwoman patterns that I’ve mentioned in this article.
You have been trained to be perfect, but it’s time to stop denying these patterns and start taking action that is actually going to work (in the bedroom and beyond). You’ve done the therapy or the personal development work for years, but something is still missing. You’re still over-functioning, overworked, and over scheduled and it’s impacting your sex life.
I recommend listening to my podcast where I go into this topic in more detail (Superwoman Sex Part 1). I will be releasing Part 2 next week where we’ll dive into how being a Superwoman is impacting your whole life - from the bedroom to your health. Because being a superwoman isn’t just isolated to impacting intimacy and pleasure - it is all connected to your experience, your self worth, your health, and everything in between.
I also offer executive 1:1 coaching, where we work together for a pleasure-focused relationship and lifestyle overhaul.