Why Women Are Great Tolerators (And Tips On How To Stop)

Women are fantastic tolerators. Life taught us this. Our childhoods taught us this. Just generally growing up identifying as female taught us this. 

And whether we do it because we want to help, because giving to others makes us feel good, or whatever we think the reason is… the reality is that as high-achieving women, we like to control because it makes us feel safe and most of us are tolerating because we’re running from the experience of true desiring.

How does tolerating show up in your relationship?

In a nutshell, tolerating is putting up with sh*t for longer than we should.

For example, I had a client tell me that she was tolerating the uncomfortableness in her body  that has come along with an undiagnosed autoimmune disease for years. She said she'd been to so many doctors and specialists that she just thought she had to live that way.

And I wish that that was outside of the norm. But thousands of women that I have worked with  are in that position. They’re tolerating in their relationships, tolerating being with somebody who isn't putting in as much effort as they are, tolerating doing things for them that they could be doing themselves, etc. At the end of the day they’re tolerating and not being loved in they way they deserve or desire.

If you’re tolerating in your relationship, it’s likely showing up like this:

• You're giving so much more than you're receiving
• You’re the one putting in the effort to keep the relationship going
• You're always filling up the relationship gas tank
• You fear that if you step back or do less things will fall apart
• You say things like “this will get better soon” or “that’s just not the way he is I could never ask him for that”
• You think to yourself “I guess that’s just the way it is/he is” 

How to know if you’re tolerating

As high-achieving women, we do a lot of “doing” to receive love because we believe we have to earn it. We do a lot of overthinking and over-functioning so that if we see the problems coming, we can control it. The women that I work with tolerate until they're sick or until something big happens or they hit some type of breaking point.

Maybe you're tolerating migraines, painful periods, mental health concerns, functional depression, etc. where you need to lie to yourself to keep over-functioning until it happens again and the cycle continues.

Women will often tolerate when it comes to sex and intimacy as well. Perhaps you’re not feeling seen or heard and you’re not having your desires met. Maybe you’re tolerating sex when when you don’t want to. Or maybe you’re desiring that your partner had a higher libido or desiring to be loved in a different way.

But even when women like us know what we desire, we pretend we don't want it. Instead, we plan the next big thing like a vacation or a renovation. Or perhaps we participate in our favourite numbing behaviours like shopping, drinking, eating, etc.

Pushing down your desires and focusing on numbing behaviours is one sign you’re tolerating in your relationship. Other signs include losing connection in your relationship and no longer feeling vibrant, alive or desirable.

Why do high-achieving women tolerate so much?

High-achieving women tolerate because:

1. We’re scared of the feelings desiring more brings up
2. We’re scared of what will happen if we get it (receive)

The women I work with (I call them Superwomen) are terrible at receiving, which is usually one of the reasons they start coaching with me. And at the end of the day, tolerating is easier than the uncomfortability of our desires.

For women like us, it’s easier to be happy with what we have or focus on other areas (like our favourite numbing behaviour) and think it isn't possible for us to have the health, wealth and love we desire.

We only desire as big as we think we deserve and this is in all areas – career, sex, relationships, intimacy. And we’re afraid to have deep desires because we don't trust our needs to be met or that our loved ones will show up for us.

The women I work with learn that desire is a necessary part of living a healthy, happy life with good sex and deeper intimacy. And I want that for you, too.

How to stop tolerating as a high-achieving woman

1. Affirm: The first thing that we can do is affirm desire and yearning as a natural part of our feminine energy – And we shouldn't make it wrong. Desire is feminine and desiring more is  normal.
   
   
2. Believe: Growth is not supposed to be pleasant. When women start working with me they’re excited and scared. It’s about believing in your feminine energy and leaving it to the uncomfortability.
   
   
3. Feel: When we want to unlock these deep desires immediately, we may not immediately know how to get there. We get into our heads, have limiting beliefs and it can be scary. The part that we should focus on is that desire in those feelings means we're alive. Desires are about feeling alive and staying with the feeling. I know this one is hard, but we need to increase our nervous system capacity to tolerating feelings. ALL feelings.
   
   
4. Ask yourself: What are you willing to give up in order to have what you say you want?

If you’re a woman who is sick of tolerating, you want to see big shifts in your relationship, your energy, your vitality and desire.. the next step is joining Pleasure Principles – The program to enhance, reignite, and communicate your desires, while bringing the vitality back to you and your relationships.

We meet 1x per month on a video call, you’ll have access to the learning portal with modules to help you create a deep connection with your partner and your own pleasure, and you’ll explore your desires on a deeper level and learn to communicate them in a way that you will be heard and understood.

I can’t wait for you to join us.