What To Do When You Have a Higher Sex Drive Than Your Husband

When we think of sex drive in heterosexual relationships, we’ve been taught through messaging that men are meant to be the aggressors, and that women are meant to be the shy ones. This messaging we’ve experienced does a major disservice when you (the woman) have the higher sex drive in the relationship. In fact, this isn’t an uncommon situation - 1 in 5 to 1 in 4 straight couples report women having the higher sex drive. If you’re the one with the higher sex drive, you’re likely facing a few issues.

What You May Be Dealing With

Stigma - There’s a stigma when it comes to women having the higher sex drive, because it isn’t what we’ve been taught. The men are supposed to be the pursuers, and the women the pursued. When you’re the women with the higher sex drive, you may feel guilt or shame for that.

Rejection - When you’re dealing with a rejection from a man who’s “supposed” to want you all the time, the hurt and embarrassment can be overwhelming, especially when it’s coming from your husband/partner.

Self-Doubt - You may feel as though there’s something wrong with you for your partner not reacting positively to your sexual advances. Oftentimes women will doubt their sex appeal and attractiveness and even begin to think there’s another woman.

Mismatched Libidos - When there are mismatched libidos in a relationship, someone always ends up being disappointed and someone feels bad for saying no. It’s a double edged sword in a sense. 

Why Do You Have A Higher Drive?

There are many reasons why you may have higher sex drive than your partner. 

1. Stress - For most people, stress causes our arousal and desire pathways to shut down, but for a small percentage of people stress can have no effect or even increase your desire. Your partner may also not handle stress well at all, leading to an energetic imbalance between the two of you.
   
   
2. Your Partner May Not Be Neurotypical - Your partner may have ADHD, is on the Autism spectrum, or may have mental health issues, because of this, you both would approach sex differently. Lower sex drive can be connected to these neurological differences.
   
   
3. Hormones are Cyclical - Many women have increased sex drives at certain times of the month (during ovulation or while menstruating), and even when pregnant. This would lead to an imbalance between you and your partner.
   
   
4. Medical - Your partner could be suffering from some form of erectile dysfunction or low testosterone. Certain medications can even cause your libido to slow down.
     
5. Shame & Guilt - Like we said, men have been taught to be the aggressors, so it’s possible that if they aren’t, they feel emasculated and don’t have any desire to have sex. 

Tips For When You Have The Higher Libido

1. Address Any Underlying Concerns - Does your partner need to make an appointment with a doctor to address any physical/medical concerns? It may be a good time to get hormones tested as well to see if he’s dealing with low testosterone.  
2. Schedule Intimacy - This may not sound super sexy, but when we schedule sex, it gives us the space we need to show up and be intimate. It allows you time to prep and decompress from any stressful situations you or your partner may be dealing with beforehand as well if stress is an issue.  
3. Take Penetration Off The Table - This isn’t always a popular idea, but intimacy doesn’t need to come from just penis in vagina. You can cuddle, fool around, touch yourself and have your partner watch. When penetration is taken off the table, you’d be amazed at what can happen.  
4. Get Comfortable With Initiating, But Also Get Comfortable With Hearing No - if you’re the higher drive partner you have to embrace it. But you also have to not take a rejection personally.  
5. Turn A No Into An Opportunity For Conversation - Maybe your partner isn’t into penetration or sex right now, but why? What’s going on with them? How was their day at work? Asking questions, having conversations, help with feeling connected to your partner and allow them to feel seen & heard.  
6. Sex Toys - this can be a great way to take the pressure off your partner especially if they feel the pressure to give you an orgasm. It also spices things up in the bedroom.   
7. Revisit Those Conversations At A Later Time - Timing is important when having conversations about rejection - so hold off on having those chats until you’re feeling calm and in a good mood, NOT in the moment when you’re feeling rejected.  
8. Remember There’s Nothing Wrong With You - There is no shame in having a higher sex drive. Just remember that there are things that can be done to have the kind of sex that’s worth having for both you and your partner. 

Next Steps

You can learn more about higher sex drive in Dr. Jordin’s book, The Pink Canary, and can also join The Pleasure Principles program that provides a space for women like you to find community and support along their journey to find or improve their pleasure. You can find out more here.

Listen to episode #43 of the Pleasure Principles Podcast on Apple or Spotify.