No one wants to hear that. And many of us don't want to say that.
Contrary to societal beliefs, mismatched libidos are normal and to be expected in long-term relationships. Oftentimes we are trying to get back to that New Relationship Energy feeling, and we have no idea how to cultivate sexual intimacy in our long-term relationships.
And there’s something I want to talk about that I find very interesting after treating thousands of women clinically and coaching hundreds – We have it WRONG when it comes to women’s desire.
I believe that when in a supportive, fulfilling relationship, it’s feminine nature for women to have the higher desire for sex and intimacy.
You may have noticed that I use the term desire and not drive. Because sex is not a drive, it’s a reward based system – the more good sex you have, the more good sex you want! (You can read more about this in my book The Pink Canary)
Overall, there’s A LOT to unpack on this topic so if you want more detail and explanation, I highly recommend listening to episode 94 of The Pleasure Principles podcast.
Women are built for pleasure and desire. When a woman is being truly fulfilled sexually, emotionally, and their nervous system feels SAFE – having a higher desire for sex and intimacy is the way it should be.
For example, look at our anatomy. The clitoris has over 8,000 nerve endings just for pleasure, which is more than double the nerve endings than the head of the penis.
There is no reason that you shouldn't feel energetic, turned on and truly alive at any age or stage in your life. Yes, there are seasons (like postpartum, or when your health is affected) but we have accepted such a low bar for ourselves when it comes to our sexual health, wellness, and pleasure that the narrative of women having lower libidos is just accepted.
In fact, I talk to many women that almost fear working with me and exploring their pleasure and desire. They say things like:
Will my relationship survive this?
Will telling the truth about my longing and desire hurt my partner?
If I start incorporating more pleasure, rest, self care will everything fall apart? Who will take care of everything?
I didn't think I could have both – success and pleasure/intimacy/fulfillment
I also often see higher drive women with repressed desire. They think they have low desire and they busy themselves with other things – a home reno, vacation, spearheading a new initiative at work – instead of acknowledging that something is missing in that area of their life.
If this sounds like you, it truly doesn’t have to be this way. I recommend inquiring about 1:1 private coaching with me where we’ll work on these issues together for 3 months.
Before I talk more about managing mismatched libidos in your relationship, the Doctor and recovering superwoman in me wants to address some things that may be contributing to your husband's low desire.
Some issues that may be contributing to your husband’s low desire include:
Now let’s dig into what you can do about it.
You deserve to feel alive and turned-on. If you are crusty and snappy there is a reason and it’s because you are cut off from your turn-on, your erotic energy.
This often means we are functioning from our superwoman (aka our masculine energy), which is not usually very sexy to a male partner. This doesn’t mean totally abandoning your masculine pole, but you need to have a balance of both. For most superwomen that I’ve worked with, the feminine characteristics they struggle with most are letting go, relaxing, and surrendering. All elements that are required for good sex.
What do you really want? What needs are not being met? (I teach a whole module on this in the Pleasure Principles). People want sex for a number of reasons: to orgasm, stress release, attention, reassurance or to feel close to their partner, etc. My advice is to figure out what your desires are and then frame them in a positive way (rather than a complaint).
Maybe your partner isn’t into penetration or sex right now, but why? What’s going on with them? How was their day at work? Asking questions, having conversations helps with feeling connected to your partner and allows them to feel seen and heard.
This isn’t always a popular idea, but intimacy doesn’t need to come from just penis in vagina. You can cuddle, fool around, touch yourself and have your partner watch. When penetration is taken off the table, you’d be amazed at what can happen.
If you’re looking to enhance, reignite, and communicate your desires, while bringing the vitality back to you and your relationships… Pleasure Principles is for you.
This is my semi-private group program that has 7 online modules (and I’m always adding more), we have one group call led by me every month, and we get to learn and chat about all the things you wish you learned in school.
Here’s what Kaitlyn P has to say about Pleasure Principles:
"I don't know where I would be without this program. I was miserable. I was taking it out on my husband and my kids and my employees. I don't even want to think about what they would say about me. I wake up and know what will bring me pleasure that day. I know that I’m doing things for me, not for someone else. My libido is higher than it has been in 18 years...my husband has been the one to say no to me! Our relationship is better than when we first met, my kids are happier, my staff is happier. I AM HAPPIER."
Here’s what Alison S has to say about Pleasure Principles:
"My sex life is better. My husband and I talk about sex. I used to feel so guilty about not wanting to have sex with him. But now I can enjoy the intimacy we do have because I am not so in my head worrying all the time. The to-do list has finally stopped. He even shared that he has been enjoying the new kind of intimacy we have more. I feel sexier in my skin. I don’t feel ashamed to be sexy and be feminine.”
Here’s what G. L. has to say about Pleasure Principles:
"I spent years reading every book under the sun but I could never find a structure that actually helped me start making real change. Because I would get overwhelmed and feel guilty that I couldn’t do what they were telling me to do, like it was just so easy for everyone else. This program is what I needed. Accountability and a structure that actually works for the things I wanted to see change. It's group, but it is so individual. My relationships got better, my friendships got better. I even got promoted at work."
Click here to join today! I promise, it will change your life.