How To Increase Intimacy In Your Long-Term Relationship

Jun 09, 2023

 Physical touch and connection come naturally in the early stages of a relationship. It's something we don't need to work hard at; it just happens.

During this time, our bodies release a hormone and neurochemical cocktail that intensifies our thoughts about that person and leaves us wanting more - dopamine and norepinephrine are at play here. The feeling can be exhilarating, almost intoxicating (you can learn more about this phenomenon in my book, The Pink Canary).

Most of us are familiar with the initial euphoria of a new relationship, especially if we have some attachment issues. However, as time passes, this intense energy, known as New Relationship Energy, begins to fade in long-term relationships. 

Unfortunately, we're often not prepared for this shift or taught how to manage the challenges that arise, such as mismatched libidos

We should be doing things that insulate our relationships from this fall from the honeymoon period, which is why I’m here to discuss some ways you can cultivate intimacy and connection in your long-term relationship.

 

4 Ways to Increase Intimacy and Connection in your Long-Term Relationships

Note: Both parties of the relationship need to have a desire for change, and put in effort towards physical intimacy that is good for both parties. This cannot be one-sided.

 

1. Create tension

My favorite way to create tension is flirting.

We often stop flirting after a while in our long-term relationships. Instead, we start texting each other as if it is a business relationship – short and to the point. It almost becomes transactional sometimes.

But I want you to look at it beyond the traditional definition of “flirting”. For example, my teacher Mama Gena describes flirting as enjoying yourself in the presence of others.

Flirting is enjoying yourself in the presence of others. Flirting is:

  • Turning on your light so everyone gets to bask in the glow 
  • Removing criticism and negativity (flirt instead of criticize your man) 
  • Being positive about the present moment 
  • Shifting body language to relieve tension 
  • Paying special attention to someone
  • Coming from you feeling good about yourself 
  • Making others feel good about themselves


A few tips for flirting: 

Make eye contact, ask a question, give a compliment (i.e. “babe, you know I love it when you put your dishes away.. It turns me on).

 

2. Communication

It's common to fall into the thinking trap of fixating on what's wrong or missing in our lives

This mindset often leads to a cycle of nagging, criticism, blame, and resentment. Our brains are wired to prioritize our safety, especially for those who have experienced childhood trauma and developed hypervigilance as a protective mechanism. I get it.

Naturally, our attention is drawn towards finding solutions to problems or threats to our sense of security and fear of abandonment. This survival instinct is what has often led to our success in our careers.

However, this constant state of survival mode keeps our brain focused on the flight, fight, freeze, or fawn response, which is keeping the pleasure centers in our brain turned OFF. It also makes communicating from a place of love and safety difficult. Especially for high achieving women. 

Areas you should focus on when it comes to communicating:

  • Your desires and needs (this is huge)
  • Compliments and gratitude – try and make an effort daily
  • Make future plans together – not just daily plans
  • Reminisce about the good times

 

3. Create novelty

As (recovering) perfectionists, we live pretty busy lives.

You’ve tried various approaches to spice things up in the bedroom – new toys, rearranging the room, experimenting with different positions, even buying sexy lingerie. And maybe these things worked a bit, but it wasn’t exactly what you were looking for.

Perhaps that sexy lingerie is sitting unworn in the closet because you felt too scared to put it on. Or maybe you gave up on that new toy because it didn't provide the speed or efficiency you desired, leaving you feeling a bit awkward. And let's not forget about the sex book you purchased, which ended up collecting dust because it required too much effort, like using a paintbrush or a quail feather.

So after all that, you go back to the same checkbox sex. You do what works to get eachother off, but it doesn't leave you satisfied with that pep in your step, smiling knowingly at each other from across the room.

Here are a few easy ways to bring novelty back to your long-term relationship:

  • Read an erotic novel together and discuss likes/dislikes
  • Mutual masturbation (If someone is not feeling it, you can hold your partner or watch them while they touch themselves)
  • Discuss fantasies (you don't need to act on them and if you’re feeling shy, you can even write them down or text them)

 

4. Connection

This is SO important for you to make time for. If you need to schedule it, put it in your calendar. And this doesn’t have to be intercourse. 

A few examples of how you can cultivate connection: 

  • Lay naked together with no expectations - let the oxytocin (connection hormone) build
  • Light the candles during dinner and put the phones away 
  • Set a boundary up front – i.e. the stressful topics you will not discuss during your date
  • Take a bath or shower together 
  • Eye gaze – sit in front of each other and look in eachothers eyes for 30 seconds 

 

More ways to cultivate intimacy and connection in your relationship

Let’s be honest… you have accomplished a hell of a lot and have very little pleasure to show for it. You have the house, car, bags, vacations, etc. but your pleasure tank is low

You’ve likely taken the courses, have  invested in yourself, you workout, eat well, and do the things that most people want to. BUT you’re still not as happy as you want to be. You probably find yourself thinking “What’s wrong with me? Why am I not happy?”.

You are settling for low pleasure because you think that there is a cost to having financial success and freedom – that it means you have to sacrifice having the good sex and connection too. You think that it’s not possible for you to have both pleasure AND power.

If this speaks to you and you want to feel energetic, desired, and turned on without sacrificing any of your power and without adding too much to your already long to-do list… there are 2 ways to work with me right now.

 

  1. 1:1 Private Coaching with Dr. J

At the time I am writing this, applications are open for private coaching – Private and exclusive pleasure and intimacy coaching for successful women looking for intimacy, better sex, and more connected relationships.

Click here to learn more and apply to work with me.

 

  1. Enroll in the Pleasure Principles™

Pleasure Principles™ is the groundbreaking program created by Dr. Jordin Wiggins to enhance, reignite, and communicate your desires, while bringing the vitality back to you and your relationships.

Click here to learn more and enroll in the program.

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