In a world where divorce rates are high and satisfaction in relationships is low, it's crucial to cultivate intimacy and sex in long-term relationships.
This can be difficult, especially for women who often struggle to communicate their needs and desires. As women we are conditioned to anticipate others' needs and over-function, making it hard to focus on our own. As a result, many women find themselves feeling lonely, burnt out and depressed behind the smile they paste on. However, it doesn't have to be this way.
In my work with Superwomen (aka high-achieving, over-giving, over-functioning, people-pleasing women), I've discovered more and more that when it comes to communicating in our careers, with clients, and in high stakes situations, we thrive. But when it comes to communicating about intimacy or having our needs and desires be met, it’s a different story.
As Superwomen, it can be hard to focus on ourselves, our needs, and our pleasure. Because of this, our relationships suffer in one of two ways:
So why am I telling you all this when you clicked on this article looking to learn tips on how to seduce a woman? Because I want you to understand why your woman may not be able to communicate these needs and desires. Which is where I come in.
I’m here to share these tips on how to seduce a (Super)woman to hopefully create some space for a little more intimacy and connection in your relationship. And just in case you missed it, I also have an article about how to pleasure a woman and have better sex – which is actually one of my most read blogs to date!
So after experience working with thousands of high-achieving women, chatting with the women in the Pleasure Principles, and polling women on my Instagram, I’ve organized a list of the most effective tips on how to seduce a (Super)woman.
Lead her somewhere she can’t go herself. In other words, support her and be her foundation. Lead us into a room, pick a destination, don’t let us hide from big scary decisions that set our souls on fire.. Let us know you’ve got our backs.
This requires you to face your demons first. You need to be connected to your purpose, and if you lost it, it’s time to find it. The gaming, focusing on work, being distracted with friends.. Truthfully, it dries us up. We crave your presence and leadership. (And if your woman struggles to be lead, that’s something she needs to work on with me)
This is in connection with leading. As Superwomen, we do a lot to make everyone's lives run smoothly. We’re constantly planning, thinking ahead, delegating, and managing everyone's needs. It would feel great to have a date night or little get away planned where we can show up, relax, and enjoy. Much like leading, we like it when you take charge every once and a while.
There’s a caveat for this one – you need to give in a way that she’s comfortable receiving. Show appreciation for all she does in a way her heart receives it. This could be gifts (i.e. small things like flowers or bigger things she wants but won’ spend the money on herself), time spent together, physical touch, a note that tells her how much she means to you, etc. Most Superwomen desire receiving words of affirmation – we are like plants without water when we aren't being told we are doing a good job (Hello, Superwoman conditioning..). Finding ways to show your love in a way she can receive it is key! She should do the same for you.
When it comes to a woman's desire, being rushed is a major turnoff, both in initiating and during intimacy. It's important to take your time and not make any sudden moves.
Approaching with a line like "Wanna have sex?" or immediately pushing your body into hers may have worked in high school, but it's not as sexy now. Even during sex, it's crucial to avoid rushing to penetration. When a woman feels like she hasn't had a chance to relax and fully open up, her desire diminishes. Instead, go slowly and observe her response, going even slower if needed.
Appreciation and validation are like drugs for superwomen. We often go out of our way to make others happy, often to the point of exhaustion and burnout. You may wonder where the bright, energetic woman you once met went and the reality is that she has lost a part of herself while over-giving in every aspect of her life.
To make her feel appreciated, compliment her on the things she does to improve her parenting skills, make the house function better, work on her trauma, or become a better person. You can also express your admiration for her outfit or any other aspect of her life. Words, texts, or thank you notes that show appreciation work equally well. But be careful not to compliment her only when you want something in return, like a weekend away with the guys or sex. Such obligatory energy doesn't feel great and can lead to a loss of sexual desire. Instead, choose to appreciate her and make her feel safe.
Find new ways to show affection that aren't physical touch throughout the day. Like Esther Perel says, sex starts after the last orgasm. It’s not something you can just think about or roll over and press your erection into her. This may have worked in your 20s, but it’s not going to cut it today.
If you are not doing a multitude of things discussed in this article, it’s time to up your game. I promise it will come back tenfold. The new sex toy or lingerie is great, but what we really crave is connection. Find new ways to connect with her that makes her feel seen and heard. For example, a date night with no phones – ask her to tell you everything and listen. Suggest something new to try sexually – For example, “hey i have been thinking of _______. How would you feel about that?”.
Honour her femininity, the changes in her cycle. There are times in which she is more and less aroused, so be a team player and help maximize the times when she may be more aroused. During times she may be less aroused, be creative about other ways to connect. We love a man who shares in the workload of managing fertility and cycle tracking.
It’s important to remember that mismatched libidos are NORMAL. Stop comparing New Relationship Energy (NRE) to your long-term relationship today. Stop comparing your NRE expectations with your relationship today and find something that works for both of you.
The key to a great sex life with longevity and ongoing desire is to acknowledge these differences and make a plan where both partners feel like they are winning. This includes expanding your definition of sex. If you have a higher libido, maybe she watches while you pleasure yourself or you try mutual masturbation. Find what is the underlying desire for both parties and find creative ways to implement that.
Many women have not been given the permission to explore their sexuality and desires. Religion and cultural beliefs shame women for their sexuality. In fact, our culture seems to fear women's sexuality. Thus, she might struggle with knowing what she wants or how to ask for it. Men grew up in a society that honored their sexuality as it was. Women grew up scared of getting pregnant or developing an STI, and they did not have a pleasure education. For women who need some sex and pleasure re-education, my book The Pink Canary is a great place to start.
There is tons of great information here and it’s a great starting point, but if you’re a woman looking to enhance, reignite, and communicate your desires, while bringing the vitality back to you and your relationship – the Pleasure Principles is your next step.
I also recommend listening to my podcast episode on this topic – Episode 89 of The Pleasure Principles with Dr. Jordin Wiggins.