A Guide For Men: How To Pleasure a Woman And Have Better Sex

I spend a lot of my time working with overwhelmed women who put their needs at the bottom of their to-do list, who are craving more joy, more intimacy, and more pleasure. And almost all of them have pleaded with me to help their men learn how to pleasure a woman in bed.

So here we are. 

This guide is for the men because even if you are well intentioned, I guarantee you there is so much more for you to learn and explore about how to turn a woman on.

While this guide is going to cover how to have better sex with your partner, if you’re serious about this I highly recommend listening to my podcast episode “How To Please a Woman: An Episode for the Men” where I go into much deeper detail on this topic.

How To Pleasure a Woman: The Basics

This may come as a shock to you, but 1 in 2 women (yes, 50% of women) experience sexual dysfunction at some point in their life.  

Prior to working with me, many of the women I now work with had resigned themselves to thinking that they were just going to live a life with mediocre sex. Sex they get over with. Sex they put on the to-do list right after laundry and cleaning the toilets. 

You’re probably thinking to yourself that this can’t be relevant to you because you “know” your partner enjoys sex with you. Or you’re thinking “why didn’t she tell me?”. But let’s take a moment to pause because all of those thoughts are totally valid.

The fact that 1 in 2 women experience sexual dysfunction at some point in their life is not your fault. But is there something you can do about it? Absolutely.

I want to start by giving you a bit of insight into feminine nature.

The feminine heart desires more. Which is why you’ve likely experienced or heard someone say that a woman’s needs are “too much”. But the reality is that I’ve never met a woman with a truly feminine heart that just had the best sex of her life that is like “okay cool I'm done”. The feminine wants more, and desires it again the next day. 

And if she’s not wanting more, her needs are likely not being met.

You may be starting to feel worried, like “how can I fulfill this need?”. But that’s not the point. The point is that If we stop suppressing this natural feminine desire for more, everyone can be happier. And you both can start having better sex.

In order to learn how to pleasure a woman, you need to recognize that she desires more intimacy and more connection, but as women we were never taught how to get there or how to ask for it. Oftentimes women don't know where to start. 

Growing up, women aren’t given permission to explore their sexuality. They’re taught that sex is bad and women who enjoy it are sl*ts. Many have had bad experienced with medical professionals talking about the topic and carry a lot of shame and guilt around their bodies and sex. 

For example, how hard do you think it is for a woman to initiate dirty talk if she was called “loose” as a teenager or if sex was a forbidden topic growing up?

My advice isn’t about buying a new set of lingerie, or a new toy. It’s about the foundation that we need to tear down and completely rebuild. This is how you pleasure a woman and have better sex.

How To Pleasure a Woman: Better Sex

I only have one hard rule when it comes to sex and it’s that people want sex that is pleasurable for them.

We often hear the narrative that women “just don’t like sex as much as men” or women have low libidos. This is entirely untrue. 

The reality is that sex is not a drive. It’s not like thirst where the longer you go without, the more you need it. In fact, it’s the opposite. Many couples get into patterns where they don’t have sex and then it gets easier and easier to continue not having sex. That’s because sex is a reward system. When it’s good, you want more. When it’s not so good, your brain and body aren’t excited for that next hit of pleasure. So if you are stuck in a sex rut, start thinking of it as an opportunity to explore the kind of sex that is pleasurable for you and your partner. 

It’s not your fault that you’re not having good sex. The sex education we received growing up didn’t do us any favours and the porn we watch damages our idea of what good sex is even more.

So what’s the solution? How do you pleasure a woman in bed and have better sex for both of you?

1. Expand your definition of sex

You need to shift your focus to the exploration of pleasure.

It’s about finding the kind of sex that is pleasurable for you both. For some people that may mean no penetration. For others it may mean experimenting with toys. For others it may mean a lot of eye contact, communication, and touch. Others may want a little extra kink. The options truly are endless. 

2.  Understand that sex is a multifaceted phenomena

Sex is about so much more than just the act itself. It has ties to:

• Stress and overwhelm -  Our bodies shut down our pleasure and turn on responses when we are stressed. For most people (expect for the rare individuals that feel turned on by stress), you can’t have great sex if you are constantly in a state of fight or flight. Your body doesn’t work that way. I call the particular type of stress that impacts the women I work with Feminine Burnout. And one common complaint from the women I work with is low libido or a sex life that isn’t want they want. It all ties together.
• Guilt and shame - Women grow up with a lot of mixed messages about sex and pleasure. It is a constant battle between wanting to feel sexy and desired, but not wanting to feel like a “sl*t” or like they’re ‘asking for it’. Those messages run very deep and aren’t cured overnight. That puts women in the stress response instead of being able to receive pleasure.
• Religious background - Messages about sex are often closely tied to religious messaging and abstinence or waiting for marriage. Unfortunately, those teachings and feelings of shame don’t magically disappear, even when you get married. 
• Desires - For some of the reasons we’ve already discussed, many women have never explored their desires. They don’t even know what they want in bed because they have never been able to give themselves the freedom to explore and discover.
• Communication - Figuring out what you like and don’t like is one thing, but learning to actually ask for it is totally different. Women have grown up in a society that’s told them not to want or need anything. They’re told if they have big needs or desires they’re “whiney” or “needy”. This shame and guilt runs deep and can’t be fixed overnight. But you can start by creating a safe space free of shame and judgement within your relationship to explore and talk about sexual exploration.
• Health - When your hormones are out of whack or you don’t feel like yourself, connecting to have good sex can be so difficult to overcome. I also work with women (in my Feminine Burnout Recovery Program) to address these underlying health concerns that are impacting your joy and presence in relationships.
  
  

3. Learn about female anatomy and physiology 

I mentioned before that we’ve all received inadequate sexual education and that includes female anatomy and physiology. So let’s start with the basics.

The vagina is the internal part of the anatomy that you can’t see from the outside. It’s where babies are born from and where the penis, fingers, sex toys, etc. are inserted in penetrative sex. Everything you can see on the outside is called the vulva. 

Women are often told that their vagina can “stretch” or become “loose”. This is not true. It is a muscular wall literally designed to expand and return to its size. So that would be like saying you can stretch out your cheeks by putting your fist in your mouth too many times. 

Note: If you or your partner is concerned about any of the anatomy or musculature, or experiencing pain, seek guidance from a pelvic floor physiotherapist. 

Vulvas come in all different shapes, sizes, colours, and symmetries. This is not what you have been seeing in porn - most have been surgically altered/bleached, etc. Vulvas are beautiful and unique. Some have larger labia minora (the inside lips), and some have more prominent labia majora (or outer lips). Both are common, normal, and beautiful. 

Now let’s talk about the clitoris. The clit is an organ dedicated to pleasure for women. Seriously, it has no known purpose other than to provide pleasure with its 8,000 nerve endings. The clit is so much more than a little spot at the apex of the vulva, it’s a complex connection of nerves attached to an internal organ system, connected to nerves throughout the entire pelvic system. 

I have a great diagram in my book, The Pink Canary, that I recommend looking at.

The diagram shows how the clit consists of much more than the bulb, and how what is fondly referred to as the “g-spot’ is really just another way to internally access the clit from within the vaginal canal.

4. You need to think “outside her box”

To quote one of my favourite sex educators for men, Dr. Ian Kerner, when it comes to how to have great sex you have to “think outside her box”. 

Less than 1 in 3 (29%) women reliably orgasm from penetration alone, while 75% of men orgasm from penetrative sex. 

If you want to learn how to pleasure a woman you need to start thinking beyond your penis in her vagina. 

Because sex is so much bigger than penetration. If you take one lesson away from this article, I want it to be that. 

Research has shown that women are more likely to have an orgasm when sex includes: 

• Deep kissing 
• Oral stimulation
• Manual stimulation

Too many people are having sex and just going through the motions, because that’s what it's “supposed” to be. They think there is something wrong with them and their body because they can’t understand why they don’t want to have more sex.

But you need to explore sex beyond penetration.

5. Exploring is part of the journey of pleasuring a woman

Having better sex with your partner is really about reevaluating the kind of sex you’re having and learning about the kind of sex that works for you.

It’s about finding the kind of sex you look forward to and think about. It’s about the kind of sex you desire and fantasize about. The kind where you can say what you like and don’t like. The kind where you can experiment and try something new and be honest about whether you liked it or not.

It’s important to understand that your likes and dislikes in the bedroom are going to change. You are doing yourself and your partner a disservice if you don’t take the time and make the effort to explore the endless possibilities of your pleasure. 

I want you to remember two things.

1. You’re not broken, what you’ve been taught is.
2. The work starts with you. 

It’s never too late to start addressing the underlying factors impacting your sex life - as a couple or on an individual level. It doesn’t matter how old you are, menopause, how old your kids are, etc. Sexual dissatisfaction is a problem that deserves treatment at any stage of life.

If you’re interested in an individually tailored approach to healing the underlying aspects that are impacting your health, sex life and relationship - apply to work with me. I offer individual coaching as well as options for health care plans that incorporate all the things talked about in this article - from stress and mindset to hormones and health.

Learn more about how to pleasure a woman

I recommend listening to episode 64 of The Pleasure Principles podcast where I speak about this topic more in depth to help you learn how to pleasure a woman and have better sex in your relationship.