Scared to Initiate Intimacy? Here's How To Start

Do you avoid initiating sex with your partner? A lot of women are reluctant to initiate sex, so you’re not alone. For many women, they want to be desired, they want their partner to want them so more often than not it’s considered the man’s role to initiate any intimacy. 

When it comes to the masculine versus the feminine, taking charge falls under the masculine. However, when the same person is constantly initiating, that aspect of the relationship can become stale. In a healthy relationship, there needs to be a balance between the partners, an equal (or nearly equal) balance of give and receive. 

Many women want to initiate more, but find themselves reluctant because they aren’t sure how. Let’s explore how you can start initiating sex and finding deeper pleasure and connection with your partner.

Initiating Can Be Scary

We get it - initiating sex can be scary. There are so many factors that go into initiating and a number of feelings that come with it. What if you get rejected? Does that mean you’re not desirable? 

There are a lot of women who want to do more initiating but find themselves feeling awkward or uncomfortable. Sometimes there’s shame associated with initiating that hinders them from beginning any form of intimacy. Shame about their bodies, their vulvas or general shame about being sexual.

Sometimes women are hesitant to initiate because they fear they’re committing themselves to penetrative sex - something they may not be what they’re desiring at that time. Factors like timing, work stress and lack of sleep can also contribute to lack of initiation on the woman’s part.

Oftentimes for women, there needs to be an energetic connection to our partner of some kind - whether that’s through talking and sharing or through physical touch and being held. In order to successfully initiate, there needs to be self-reflection to determine what’s hindering you or what will help you to pursue intimacy more often.

Looking Inwards

If you’re looking to start initiating but are feeling nervous and not sure where to start, we first suggest taking a look inwards to do some pleasure research. Figure out what turns you on, what drives your desire. Keep in mind that what once turned you on before may have changed since then. Pleasure research never ends and is always developing overtime due to life circumstances, changing bodies, etc.. It’s important to first educate yourself and figure out what you want, then you can start asking for it.

How To Initiate Sex

There are many ways to initiate sex. Let’s talk about them:

Sexting - This route feels a little safer and is less intimidating to a lot of women. Why? Because you’re not seeing the live reaction, and it’s easier to get out of your comfort zone when you’re behind a screen. Figure out what you desire and send a text like “Hey, I would love for you to do _____ to me.” 

Use a Reference - Using a TV or movie scene, or even a scene in a book to reference is a great way to initiate without putting yourself out there too much. Referencing a scene can be as simple as saying “Can we try this?”. Let the scene do the work and do the talking for you.

Express What Turns You On - You’ll of course need to determine what it is that turns you on to take this route but it can be a very effective way to initiate without being so upfront about it. Even something as casual as commenting on their torso when their top is off, more often than not when you’re turned on they’ll get turned on.

Own It - Own that you’re being the initiator, whatever that may consist of for you. Be authentically you and honest in your feelings. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to be a full on dominant aggressor - you can own the awkward, innocent women you are as well by saying “I’m not comfortable with this, but I want it so I’m going to ask for it”. It’s a non-threatening approach that’s authentic to how you’re really feeling.

Find Deeper Pleasure

The Pleasure Principles provides a space for women like you to find community and support along their journey to find or improve their pleasure. You can find out more here.

Listen to the Girl Talk episode #38 of the Pleasure Principles Podcast on Apple or Spotify to learn more about how to initiate sex.