How Men And Women Misunderstand Each Other In Relationships (And What You Can Do About It)

Nov 25, 2022

It may come as a surprise to you to hear that I don’t hate men. In fact, I love them.

My work is to speak on the experiences of women and the ways in which society and our culture has set us up to be burnt out, lonely and depressed. If you’ve been following me long enough you know that a lot of my work revolves around how we’ve been given the wrong script about sex that is good for people with vulvas, which is why it’s no surprise that 1 in 2 women will suffer from sexual dysfunction in their lifetime. 

But this doesn’t mean I don’t love men. Although it did take a long time for me to feel comfortable saying that. 

As heterosexual women it can be easy to “hate” men. We grow up being taught that men take something from us (our virginity), that our pleasure comes second to that of a man or if he doesn’t “get it” from you he’ll find it elsewhere. We eventually learn the staggering sexual assault statistics and/or are victims ourselves, we learn about and experience the gender wage gap… you get my point.

Because of all this I spent years angry at men and the patriarchy. I was mad at society for making me feel less than for being a woman and thinking I had to be twice as good as a man to be considered half as good. I was mad at society for pushing me into my masculine pole 100% of the time and making me believe it was weak to embrace my feminine.

But being an over-functioning Superwoman pushed into her masculine was not getting me where I wanted to go and was not getting me the love that I craved. Instead, I was a burnt out owner of a 7-figure women’s health clinic feeling totally hypocritical. My hair was falling out, I had adult acne, I wasn’t sleeping although I was exhausted, I needed caffeine to get me through the day and wine to relax at night.

It was time to rewrite the narrative and teach the women I work with to do the same – so we can heal ourselves, our relationships and ultimately humanity. It took me a lot of therapy, researching, nine years of post-secondary education, two degrees, and coaching women for years to finally be able to say that I love men.

So why am I telling you all of this? Because our conditioning has made it so easy to be angry at men while forgetting that they received a lot of this conditioning and damage too. And at the end of the day, this is causing a disconnect in how men and women understand each other in relationships.


How Men And Women Misunderstand Each Other In Relationships

The damage we received from societal narratives growing up has caused a disconnect in how we understand each other. At the end of the day we don’t know how to fight and we don’t know how to receive love from one another.

When it comes to many of the women I work with and even my own relationships, disagreements usually involve the classic characteristics: blaming, resenting, nagging, complaining, projecting, withdrawing love, etc.

These were patterns my parents modelled, that their parents probably modelled before them, and that I now was recreating. Years of doing this with the men in my life did nothing to get me the results and the love I desired. Eventually, I realized I had to take a deeper look at myself.

Now, I see these same patterns with the women I work with all the time. Instead of loving one another, they both pull further away into their indignation and victimhood. And if you’ve experienced this you know that it sucks being there. Someone avoids, the other pursues until they don’t care anymore, they resign into a life of being unfulfilled or they break up and try again with someone else only to see the same patterns repeat. And that’s because we don’t know how to relate to one another. We have forgotten as a society what it truly means to be in union

If you’re new here, the sacred feminine energy is still, creative, nurturing, grounded, intuitive, receiving. The sacred masculine energy is structure, protection, present, logical, independent and rigid. When these two energies work together within us AND in relationships they create healthy, happy individuals and couples. 

It’s a balance – we both need both. And if we don’t have a balance between both feminine and masculine energies, we burnout, have hormone imbalances, feel lonely, depressed, anxious, unfulfilled, etc.


How To Restore Balance and Communicate Better In Relationships

If both partners in a relationship are fully in their masculine, it’s destined to fail. 

It was about 2.5 years ago when I realized that I needed to look inward and work on embracing my sacred feminine energy. And that’s when everything changed which is why I want to give an example of what disagreements in my relationship looked like before and after doing the deep work that needed to be done.

After a fight, I would go through the same patterns. I would criticize and complain (because I didn’t know how to communicate a desire from the feminine), he would withdraw (sometimes for days) and overall it would just suck the life out of both of us. We spent the money on coaches and counsellors who all said the same thing - “It’s clear you both love each other.”. But we were still torturing each other through him freezing and avoiding and me fawning and pursuing until I felt rejected and got angry.

And then one evening we were laying in bed and it was freezing cold. Our backs were turned toward each other and I had an impulse to reach out and touch him. I started to think about the usual narrative “he’s wrong, he needs to repair this with me, etc.” but then something shifted because I had started doing the work and looking inward. I realized that it wasn’t weak to have love to give, it was petty to withhold it.

Through accepting that being in my feminine is not weak, opening up and softening, I can happily say that most of our conflicts are over within 20 minutes.

This next message is for you if you are a Superwoman – You’re overachieving, always getting sh*t done, over-functioning, unfulfilled, anxious, not having great sex, etc., and you’re constantly in your masculine without any space for your feminine.

You’re never going to feel safe with a man in our patriarchal society until you have cultivated safety within yourself. You’re never going to feel sexually fulfilled or like your pleasure is equally as important as a mans pleasure until you have fully embraced your feminine sexuality. We have women's bodies, not just broken versions of mens bodies and our capacity for pleasure is so much greater than we’ve allowed ourselves to receive.

You’re never going to truly love men until you love being a woman and embrace your sacred feminine energy.

This is why I created the Feminine Mentorship – A 12 month mentorship with a community of amazing women where we work on undoing the conditioning that’s keeping us from the sex, love, intimacy and health we desire. For the first time ever (this group has always been invite-only) I am opening space for 4 women to join us in 2023. These spaces will fill quickly so if you feel called to work with me, apply today.

I also recommend listening to episode 73 of The Pleasure Principles podcast where I go more in-depth on this topic and share more of my personal experiences.


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