The Surprising Secret to Really Good Sex

 I’ve worked with thousands of high-achieving, over-giving, people pleasing women and I hear a lot of the same things.

“I’m feeling alone in my relationship.”

“I’m not fulfilled, it’s like something is missing.”

“I’m anxious, depressed, and resentful.”

“I’m just not really enjoying sex.”

These statements are usually followed by them telling me they don’t know why they feel this way because they have so much to be grateful for. But at the same time, their partner hasn’t touched them in a way that feels good in what feels like an eternity. They aren't calling them as much and their text messages are totally business. They’ve stopped planning trips or dates and they aren't present – distracted by work, hobbies, video games, etc. This is causing these women to feel unsupported, unloved, anxious, and depressed.

It is a fundamental human need to be seen, loved, supported, and connected and it is completely normal to want this in a relationship. It is normal to want your partner to put out the trash without needing to be asked, after all, it gets picked up on the same day every single week. It is normal to want to feel like lovers and not roommates with your partner.

So what’s getting in the way here and how is it impacting the sex lives of high-achieving, over-giving, people pleasing Superwomen? And how can it be fixed – What is the surprising secret to really good sex?

The Secret to Really Good Sex: Unmet Desires

If you’re familiar with my work, you know this isn’t going to be your traditional sex advice. But is it what’s actually going to work? Hell. Yes.

There are two fundamental problems I see in the women I work with when it comes to desires.

1. They don't know what their desires are 
2. They don't communicate their desires, or when they are communicated it’s in a way that leaves them feeling alone and unsupported 
   
   

The result? Unmet desires (and not-so-great sex).

You may be reading this and rolling your eyes because you think you know what your desires are, so let me clarify.

You may know what you desire in your career or with parenting, etc. But where I see Superwomen struggle the most is knowing their desires in intimate relationships.

Do you know how you want your partner to touch/caress/lick you? Does me just asking that question make you feel uncomfortable? How about when an issue comes up in your relationship. Do you automatically jump into Superwoman mode – fix, over-give, struggle to say no, try and avoid letting other people down all at the expense of your own needs?

When I ask a Superwomen what she desires, here’s what I typically hear:

1. She goes blank and/or cries

Not knowing her desires goes deep – she even has trouble picking out which restaurant to go to and what to order when she gets there. If this sounds like you it’s not your fault. Generations of women self-sacrificing and being trained to put our needs second has conditioned us to be this way.

2. She tries to give me the right answer and gives me goals

For example, she’ll tell me she wants to have 1 date night per week and for her partner to plan half of them. Or she’ll tell me she wants to have sex 2 times per month and someone to help out around the house without being asked.

Here’s the thing. Those aren't desires, those are goals. They’re check-box items.

What you are really desiring is CONNECTION, passion, eros. Sounds simple when I say it, right? 

But with the women I work with it feels almost embarrassing to have so much success and then have to admit they have no idea what they want in the area of sex, love, and intimacy. They thought they wanted the house, car, career, vacations, but something is STILL missing so they’re realizing that’s not it.

Do you ever have those feelings where you are so disappointed and don't know why, even after you asked for what you thought you wanted? For example, you ask for the weekend away and it didn’t bring you the happiness you thought it would. Or you felt a little underwhelmed during your vacation or over Christmas holidays and just pretended you were fine. You can't quite put your finger on why you are off, but you’re not as happy as you used to be.

These are signs of a desire problem.

And one of the secrets to really good sex is addressing this area of your life.

I talk more about unmet desires and how to start communicating your desires from the feminine in episode 87 of my podcast The Pleasure Principles.

The Secret to Really Good Sex: Unmet Expectations

Good sex requires three things – pleasure, presence, connection. 

Anything that is going to get in the way of those three things will disrupt having the love, sex, and intimacy you’re craving. We already spoke about unmet desires and now I want to address the second surprising secret to really good sex – unmet expectations.

Superwomen like us are great at doing and over-giving but terrible at receiving. Which, if I’m being honest, makes us pretty sh*t at intimacy –  in and out of the bedroom. 

As a recovering Superwoman, I have been there and still find myself there from time to time. Blaming my partner, thinking he’s not present enough, thinking he’s not planning enough dates or appreciating my efforts. 

What happens when they don’t do what you expect them to do is you conclude “this is as good as it gets, I have to live with it” or think “they must not love or care that much about me anymore”.

There’s a stark difference between New Relationship Energy (NRE) – the attention, adoration, amazing sex, texting often making plans, giving eachother love in all the love languages, they’re all you can think about, etc. and how you’re feeling now in your long-term relationship –  resentful, anxious, depressed, unfulfilled.

What happened? Unmet expectations.

When our expectations to be loved, cherished, seen, heard, understood, and connected are not met, we can blame ourselves or our partners. All of this happens without a conversation we just do (remember, we’re doers!).

As Superwomen, we expect a lot of ourselves AND of others. Our men can do 7 out of 10 things right and we have a tendency to focus on the 3 that are wrong. This is partly neurobiology, we’re conditioned to be in survival mode, to focus on problems, fix things and stay safe. Being the perfectionists we are, we focus on improving the 3 out of 10 things in ourselves constantly, so why can't they do the same for us?

It is important to understand when you’re feeling angry, hurt, or blaming your partner for being unloving or inconsiderate, it’s not due to your partner’s “negligence”. It’s due to fear inside of yourself. We are expecting our partners to give us the love, intimacy and attention to fill us up that we don't know how to give ourselves. And them of us. This is where I’ve witnessed 80% of relationships and intimacy go wrong.

The harder we work to make things “right”, the higher our expectations become of ourselves, of others, and of sex. And the more alone and resentful we feel in our intimate relationships.

The Secret to Really Good Sex: Fixing the Problem

So how do we address these unmet desires and expectations so we can finally have the really good sex and connected intimate relationships we’re craving?

We need to stop looking to external sources for our pleasure and validation and learn how to fill ourselves up from a universal source of feminine love energy that will never neglect, criticize, ignore, or leave us – ourselves.

When we know how to access OUR pleasure, our internal feminine love energy, we do what we need to do to take care of ourselves. When our pleasure tanks are full, it doesn’t matter as much that there is a wet towel on the bathroom floor, or he forgot Valentine's Day, or he sits there while you do the heavy lifting of parenting.

When you learn how to access your pleasure, joy and turn-on, life starts to feel like it is conspiring for you again.. like the New Relationship Energy.

This is why I created Pleasure Principles - The unique intimacy program to redesign your life and relationships for YOUR pleasure.

• To create deep connection with your partner AND your pleasure
• To explore your desires on a deeper level, and communicate them in a way where you will be heard and understood 
  
• A unique approach to sex, sexiness and fulfillment that doesn't feel fake or like you are stepping out of your power 
• Develop a deeper soul connection with your romantic partner, without needing his (involvement). We focus on you! 
  
  

If you are tired of feeling tired, unfulfilled and spending money on solutions that do not work, join me and enroll in the Pleasure Principles.