“I’m Just Not Happy”: Why Traditional Self Care & Intimacy Tips Aren’t Cutting It For Superwomen

 
It is my mission to help Superwomen - overachieving, people pleasing, big hearted, “give it your all”, anxious, and maybe a bit depressed women - have the sex, health and intimacy they desire.

And that’s why I’m here to tell you the truth about traditional self-care advice, because the reality is that the bubble baths, the sex tips you found online and the glass of wine after work just aren’t cutting it. You know this because you’re doing what you’re told to do but are still lonely, a little miserable, resentful and definitely don't feel seen or connected in your relationships. 

I know this well because as the previous owner of a successful women's health clinic, I was no stranger to getting sh*t done (recovering Superwoman over here). I ended up burnt out, having sex that wasn’t good, not enjoying work like I used to and overall just not feeling joy like I used to. I struggled to relax, I couldn’t ask for help, I had hormonal issues, adult acne, woke up at night drenched in sweat, the list goes on. This is what I call feminine burnout.

And so many of my patients felt the same.

They would tell me “I don't feel like myself.”, “I’m not as happy as I used to be.” or “I have everything I thought I wanted but I’m still just not happy.”.

There wasn't an answer for women like us when I started on this journey 10 years ago. But the good news is that you’re not alone and after working on this issue for both myself and my clients, it is now my mission to continue helping women like you.

Standard Self-Care Tips and Superwomen

The Holidays are an especially challenging time for Superwomen because we are nearing the end of the year and we are burnt out. 

Even when we’re not at our day job there’s always more to be done. Whether it’s the invisible workload at home or social gatherings, if you are an over-functioning people pleaser this is enough to send you over the edge. With everything going on it’s common for Superwomen to feel like if one more thing gets added to your to-do list, you might snap. 

Even when you take the bubble bath or book a night away at a hotel, you might start to unwind and feel amazing. Or maybe you are having sex just to go through the motions, but after all of this you’re still not happy. You’re still feeling “crusty”, resentful and unfulfilled.

When it comes to relationships during this time of year it can feel triggering watching a romantic Holiday movie because something inside of you feels lonely and like you’re longing for something. You may try and push these feelings down and tell yourself it’s just a movie and not real life. But truthfully, you desire something more and it might even scare you to want it. Perhaps you’ll think to yourself “that amazing sex we used to have is a thing of the past” or that desiring things like intimacy, connection, pleasure, working with an intimacy coach, etc. is frivolous – especially during the Holidays when you believe your time, money and energy should be spent on other people.

But that’s the problem.

You’re a Superwoman. You take the action, you do the work and you are damn good at what you do. In fact, you may have prioritized your career, the house, the kids, the vacations, etc. over your own true desires and a fulfilling relationship. This is why the Holidays can be an interesting and difficult time for Superwoman. We do all the planning, organizing and gift researching to light up our loved ones faces. So when we do the extra at work to try and carve out some down-time for ourselves only to not be able to get out of our head’s and enjoy it, we feel crusty and resentful.

At the end of the day you feel frustrated and a little ashamed because you “should” be happy.

You have it all together on the outside and you’re practicing the traditional self-care tips you’ve been told will help. And that’s why it feels almost shameful for a Superwoman to raise her hand and say something is missing. To say that you are yearning for something, are not fulfilled and maybe even feel a little depressed. You’re constantly wondering why you’re doing all the things but are still unfulfilled.

And it’s because the thinking and cultural conditioning that got you here, is not going to get you the connection, pleasure, and presence you desire.

Why Traditional Self-Care & Sex Tips Don’t Work For Superwomen

It’s clear something’s not working but you’re frustrated because you can’t narrow down what the problem is. There’s a lot of Superwoman conditioning to unpack when it comes to getting out of your head, being present, and experiencing true joy again, but here’s a bit of background as to why you need to work beyond the traditional self-care and sex tips you’ve read about – because it’s just not cutting it.

1. You are smart and resourceful

If there is a problem to solve, you solve it. You can research and take action like it’s going out of style – you’re a Superwoman, after all. So if the advice you needed existed on the internet or a podcast for how to solve the problem, you likely already would have.

2. You’re always focusing on others

This is your  “good girl” conditioning kicking in. Growing up women have been taught to focus on others, everyone else’s happiness, their partner’s pleasure during sex, etc. So the self-care model is wasted on us because even when do focus on ourselves for once, we are thinking of other things. Even when we’re having sex we’re thinking about our to-do list. We feel ashamed for wanting time for ourselves or for resting.

3. You don’t feel truly worthy

Superwomen don’t feel truly worthy to be treated well or have what they truly want in an intimate relationship. You feel like you deserve your success in your career because you’ve worked hard and “earned it” but you struggle to accept this in other areas of your life.

4. You don’t feel safe to accept love/pleasure

Much like the previous point, you don’t feel safe accepting the love or pleasure you deserve because you don’t feel like you’ve earned it. This is why you don’t feel like you should be having sex with your partner until you’ve finished the dishes or folded the laundry, for example. Superwomen have trouble receiving. Whether it’s receiving compliments/praise at work or receiving pleasure, they only feel worthy of receiving if they’ve earned it.

5. You’re experiencing Feminine Burnout

When you’re experiencing Feminine Burnout, your nervous system is focused on survival and safety. So many of us are focusing the resources we have on excelling at 2 of 4 of these areas - health, wealth, love and sex - and are disconnected from intimacy. In order to receive pleasure, your nervous system needs to be in the parasympathetic state - to feel grounded, relaxed, safe, loved. Superwomen do not spend time in this state and thus, traditional self-care and sex tips aren’t working for them.

6. Desiring more is feminine nature

Despite lifelong conditioning to always be in your masculine, you need to embrace your feminine energy. The sacred feminine energy is nurturing, soft, grounded with strong boundaries and trusting of her intuition. No-one truly in their feminine has had amazing sex, a fantastic date or an incredible vacation and then said “ok i’m done”. They desire more and old space to receive more

7. The narrative that we are broken or flawed

The belief that there is something broken or flawed about you that it’s not worth trying. The belief that you have so many other things to be happy about, so why do you care about this (more intimacy, great sex, more fulfillment, etc.)? You need to let go of this narrative to truly receive what you desire.

“I’m unhappy and unfulfilled. What can I do about it?”

First and foremost I recommend listening to episode 74 of The Pleasure Principles podcast where I talk more in depth about this topic.

But if you’re truly ready to face the void you feel in your life and FILL it, to feel like lovers again with your partner, to live a life of fullness and receive better sex, better connection, better health, and more wealth, apply to the Feminine Mentorship today. As I’m writing this there are 4 spaces available for 2023.

The Feminine Mentorship is for you if you look like you have it all together from the outside - the job, the marriage, the kids, the money - but you know something is missing. You are longing for more. You already know how to work hard and you're not willing to sacrifice the success you have created, but you still crave ease, slowing down, and flow. You just never knew there was a way you could prioritize both. Join this amazing community in 2023 where we’ll work on undoing the conditioning that’s keeping us from the sex, love, intimacy and health we desire.