There is a pervasive belief held by high-functioning, over-achieving Superwomen that we have to earn feeling good. We have to earn love. We have to earn pleasure. We have to earn rest. And this belief is what makes it so hard for us to allow ourselves to feel good.
For example, this is why we think we need to complete our to-do list before we can have sex or sit down and relax. But the do-list is never done, so we never allow ourselves to feel good.
Most of this stems from the lie we’ve been sold our whole lives – Go to school, get the job, have the wedding and kids, buy the car, house, vacation house, etc. And if we do all that, we'll be happy and fulfilled.
But we're not. In fact, we're more unhappy, unfulfilled and lonely than ever.
That's the void.
Thousands of successful women are caught in the never ending trap that is the void. So I want to illustrate how it’s showing up in the lives of high-functioning, over-achieving Superwomen.
As a recovering Superwoman, I’ve been in the void myself. I remember thinking to myself “Is this it? Is this what it’s supposed to feel like? Is this what relationship is supposed to feel like?”. I remember being on the most beautiful beach vacation and it was like I was watching my life from outside of my body. I wasn't present and truly experiencing it as it happened. I didn’t feel happy, I wasn’t sleeping, I had adult acne, weight gain and my hair was falling out.
The void is where we can’t relax, we can't celebrate, we can't enjoy and let ourselves feel good. The void is when we experience Feminine Burnout – we feel numb, can't feel joy, we’re not as happy as we used to be.
As Superwomen, we’re “doers”. We’re great at completing tasks and completing them well. When we’re asked to do something, we excel but when we’re asked to “be”, to experience or to surrender, we struggle.
Our self-esteem and relationships are built on us “doing” and Superwomen fear that if we stop, it’s going to fall apart – our relationship, our family, our household, our business, etc. And we fear that no one will be able to pick up the slack if we stop doing all of the things all of the time.
The void also shows up in the bedroom because we’re having sex by “doing”, just like how we approach everything else. This can look like following tips in your head for dirty talk, licking his frenulum because you read that it feels good for him, thinking about work emails or what you need to do around the house. When you’re having sex by “doing”, it’s not going to be great and you may just be doing it because you’re supposed to and it’s another thing to check off your to-do list.
The void is a scary place to be which is why I’m going to help you get out of it. Because the good stuff is on the other side.
If you listen to my podcast, you’ve probably heard me talk about the benefits of adopting a daily pleasure practice. But now we’re going to go deeper. Because learning to receive is like training a muscle group at the gym, it takes ongoing practice and expanding that practice. To start feeling safe receiving love, attention and pleasure, I want you to adopt three practices – a pleasure practice for you, a pleasure practice with others and a pleasure practice with a loved one.
This is going to help get those pleasure centers in your brain firing and turn up the pleasure dial that’s needed for our nervous system to be in parasympathetic/ventral vagus state. This practice will help awaken those pleasure centers in the brain so you can start being present and have the capacity to feel good!
Note: Start gradually by adopting a daily pleasure practice that’s just for you and then build up to adding a pleasure practice with a stranger followed by adding a pleasure practice with a loved one.
The only rule for this is that it’s something that truly makes you feel good. When I say “feels good” I mean something that actually feels good and not the traditional self-care advice that never works and causes you more stress than happiness.
This could be something that feels good mentally like journaling to get all the crap out of your head or something that feels good physically like a movement practice (i.e. yoga, dancing). It could also involve habit stacking – like taking extra time to put on lotion slowly and purposefully after your bath.
The key to adopting a daily pleasure practice is ensuring that it’s something that is truly pleasurable to you and makes your vibe higher when you’re done.
The goal of this practice is for it to be with someone who is distant or removed from your immediate life or inner circle. This pleasure practice could look something like starting to make eye contact with strangers walking on the street or having a daily open and genuine conversation with your barista or yoga instructor.
In these open and genuine interactions it allows you to practice feeling, receiving compliments and just generally allowing yourself to feel the energetic flow between humans while interacting.
I want you to do this before starting a pleasure practice with your partner (or other loved one) because it’s going to be easier to start practicing with someone who is removed from your life and has no baggage or past.
This is going to be the final pleasure practice you add and is when you’ll begin involving someone within your inner circle. Your partner, your kids, etc.
This can be like any of the previously mentioned examples of a pleasure practice, but this time it’s with your loved one and something that feels good and that you practice together.
Healing the wounds from decades of “good girl” conditioning and feminine burnout takes deep work. It’s showing up physically, mentally, in the bedroom, in our relationships and everywhere in between. Starting with a pleasure practice is a great place to start, but if you’re tired of being in the void and looking for more, I’ve made a limited time offer just for women like you.
This is for women wanting to learn to receive more pleasure and not lose their power.
I’ve combined my two foundational programs (Pleasure Principles + Feminine Burnout Recovery) into the Pleasure + Power Bundle. These two programs are the foundations that you need in order to prioritize pleasure, your sexual health, mental health and physical health.
Click here to see what's included in the bundle… because I know that you know what will happen if you continue to avoid this area of your life.