Tips For Better Sex: How To Give Men “What They Want” While Still Being a Powerful Woman

There is an armour around the women I work with that I usually have to get through. And it’s that they fear if they work with me they will turn into some feminine flower, damsel in distress. But in reality, and this is something that took time for me to understand as well, when we learn to embrace our feminine energy we are adding a skillset that we don’t have/was conditioned out of us.

If you’ve been following me, reading my blogs or listening to my podcast, you know the skills that make you so successful in your career/business/life are not the skills needed to be successful in the bedroom or your intimate relationships. 

Because when it comes to your intimate relationships, you’re not in the boardroom and you’re not leading your team. You’re trying to connect with your partner.

You do not have great sex when you are experiencing Feminine Burnout.

You do not have great sex when you’re stuck in your over-functioning head.

But you do have great sex when you drop into your feminine and open yourself up to receiving and when you surrender to pleasure. And I know the term “surrender” can feel triggering because I felt that way too. But this is about cultivating safety in our intimate relationships so that we can feel safe not being in control 100% of the time.

As women we are constantly doing all the things. We have the career, the education, the family, the invisible workload at home, the list goes on. But our cultural conditioning hasn’t caught up to our expectations in society. This has translated into women occupying both masculine and feminine roles and leaving both men and women in relationships unfulfilled and depressed.

Finding Balance: What Do Men Want?

A relationship dynamic I come across often is two people that both truly love each other and want to care for one another but feel unfulfilled in intimacy and sex. They feel fulfilled in other areas of their lives so they make it work. And at the end of the day the problem they’re facing in their intimate relationship and sex life is that there is no flow between masculine and feminine energies.

As women we’ve been conditioned to do it all, that we “don’t need a man”, that we need to work twice as hard in order to be equally as successful, etc. We do everything we need to do to get the education, the career, the family, the house, the money. But then we’re still not happy. We’re over-functioning because that’s what we’ve been taught to do and now that we have everything we’re “supposed” to, we’re still unfulfilled.

As Superwomen we think if we do it all ourselves that we will feel safe and happy. But truthfully, the opposite is true and it leaves us feeling isolated and alone. Generally, men want the following:

To protect and provide: This goes back to our genetic wiring for millions of years – We cannot outrun genetics and epigenetics. But when Superwomen are fully occupying both masculine and feminine roles in a relationship, the men feel unfulfilled because they aren’t given the opportunity to protect and provide.

A linear focus: One thing at a time. Men desire less and women desire more. Their nervous systems cannot tolerate more like we can as women. 

To fix and problem solve: When both parties in a relationship are occupying this space, no one feels seen, heard or connected. As a Superwoman you’re comfortable with your cape on. You’re comfortable constantly fixing and solving problems at work, with your kids, etc. But when you bring your coach into your relationship, it doesn’t work. Because if you are always doing everything on your own, he doesn’t have an opportunity to help.

To not be told what to do: They don’t want to be told what to read, what podcasts to listen to, what therapist to see, etc. I recommend listening to episode 73 of The Pleasure Principles podcast to learn more about how men and women misunderstand each other in relationships.

Your feminine energy: Men don’t want a mother or someone controlling what they do and how they do it (Note: Reminder that this is not absolute and it’s totally OK for a man to want this dynamic). And again, this isn’t to say that you should put your Superwoman cape away. This is about having a balance between both masculine and feminine energy and feeling safe to feel/show your emotions, slow down and receive.

How To Find Balance While Still Being a Powerful Woman

Women have become incredibly self-sufficient, free, strong and powerful since the women’s liberation movement and I am so proud of how far we have come. Which is why I want to mention that this isn’t about surrendering our independence or equality. What this is about is how we have become so damn strong that us Superwomen have no idea how to relax into our feminine. In fact, we have feminine burnout, which is what happens to us physically, mentally and emotionally when we are not in touch with our feminine.

We work so hard over-functioning that those around us get to under-function and we wonder why we feel so exhausted and alone. We don't know how we can flow, allow vulnerability and receive support from a man in his true masculine energy which creates imbalance in a relationship – but balance is the key to a fulfilling relationship.

If we don’t allow men to rise because we are holding up our walls to be strong, they feel emasculated and powerless, and we don’t feel safe to express our true feminine energy. Let them be men, and your strength and feminine power will flourish.

As Superwomen we need to create space for our men to step up into their masculine, which is going to require us Superwomen to get a little uncomfortable. But when we really lean into the strength of feminine energy, that is when the magic happens. 

Here are a few ways that you can give men “what they want” for a more balanced and intimate relationship while still being a strong, powerful woman.

1. Stop telling your man what to do

Instead, show them how painful it is when Superwomen struggle because this requires feeling feelings (not thinking them) and showing vulnerability. No, you won’t become a damsel in distress. It’s about adding a skill that you can discern if the situation calls for your Superwoman or your feminine depth.

2. Embrace variety in your feminine

Our femininity naturally cycles and creates variety, but we stifle it. As Superwomen in our masculine we try to always be linear and turn off our feminine wisdom. But men crave our range of emotions, range in sex, range in depth, etc. Find healthy ways to show feminine depth to your man – this doesn’t mean cycling from “I can do everything myself” to a victim being saved.

3. Practice gratitude daily

This should be a two-way street in relationships. Show them your gratitude and allow them to feel trusted and that you would let them lead you anywhere.

4. Surrender

Surrender your heart in love, surrender your control, surrender your body in pleasure. This takes courage and doesn’t mean being unsafe and going against your feminine intuition (there is a lot to unpack here that cannot be summed up in a blog article or podcast). But feeling safe to surrender allows your partner to show up for you, whether it’s in the bedroom or elsewhere.

5. Practice movement

Superwomen are rigid – they walk stiffly, they don’t relax into their chairs, they have sex rigidly, etc. Find ways to incorporate movement in your daily life and open your body. This means less bootcamp/cycle class and more sacred movement like yoga. Men want to feel the universe through your body and the crash of the ocean in your hips. Feminine energy is life force energy.

6. Don’t settle for their bullsh*t

I said what I said. Hold him accountable to what you know he can be and he should be doing the same for you. If you are pointing fingers at him constantly, be ready for him to shine a light on you. This is a relationship that will evolve, won’t stagnate and will always have passion. A balanced relationship can move through connection, disconnection and repair and come out more connected.

I recommend listening to episode 75 of The Pleasure Principles podcast where I cover this topic more in-depth.

If this is foreign and a little scary to you it means you are in the right place. If you are longing for a more connected and intimate relationship, more space to relax and truly enjoy, to laugh and feel desired again, the Feminine Mentorship may be for you. If you want a safe community of women to do this work with you, apply to join us in 2023. It’s time to take off the Superwoman armour and let yourself be cared for. I promise your cape will still be there when you need it for the boardroom. 

Note: I am speaking from a cis-gendered heterosexual perspective/experience and about couples in these relationships.