Feminine Burnout: The Woman Who Cannot Orgasm

Sep 23, 2022

Working with women experiencing the physical and mental symptoms of Feminine Burnout is something I do every day. And after helping thousands of women around the globe transform their lives, I have many stories to share.

In this article I’m going to be talking about my client Monica. However, I want to highlight the fact that if you find similarities in one of the women featured in this series, you’ll likely relate in some way to all of these women’s stories.

If you think you may be experiencing symptoms of Feminine Burnout, I recommend reading all of the stories in this series:

The Woman Who Can’t Ask For Help

The Woman Who Doesn’t Have Time For Herself

The Woman Who Can’t Be Nice To People

The Woman Who Doesn’t Know What She Wants


What is Feminine Burnout?

Feminine Burnout is the specific type of burnout that affects successful, strong, capable women at home, at work, and in their relationships. (I call these women “Superwomen”)

This burnout impacts women who do it all and who’ve been running on empty for so long they don’t even realize how much they are neglecting themselves. It’s the result of years of self-neglect and putting your needs at the bottom of the to-do list. 

And unfortunately, it's affecting your health, relationships, and more.

Let me introduce you to my client Monica.


The Woman Who Cannot Orgasm: Monica’s Story

My client Monica had never experienced an orgasm. Or at the very least, she was unsure if she had or not.

This reality isn’t unique to Monica. Many of the women I work with are in the same situation or they struggle to have an orgasm, or are just generally not having great sex

Monica has been in mostly long-term relationships and has had a few sexual partners in her life. But as far back as she can remember, she remembers feeling like a burden in the bedroom. Like she was too much work. Her first boyfriend never really tried to please her and her pleasure wasn’t the focus of their exploration. She wanted to be loved and thought sex was like what she saw on television and porn - about performance and his pleasure. They stayed together for 10 years and the sex was the same throughout the entirety of their relationship.

After him she had some good sex and some “ok” sex. She never hated it but she never enjoyed it too much either. She just resigned herself to the belief that her body just didn’t work like that or maybe other women are exaggerating when they talk about good sex.

Now, Monica is in her early 40s, married to a wonderful man and they have one daughter. On the outside, everything is perfect. He’s a great father and husband and they are a great team. 

But the sex is the same.


Monica’s Story: How Over-Functioning Is Affecting Her Sex Life

Like the true over-functioning Superwoman she is, Monica has read every book, listened to every sex podcast, has tried all the courses, and has exhausted every medical and woo pathway she could find to try and hack and fix what she feels is “broken” about her and her body  so she can have an orgasm. She even tried counselling for sex and it didn't help. 

As most Superwomen can relate to, Monica is always ten steps ahead. She is the one you want around when you need to organize, research, find the best deals, plan a trip, host an event, everything. She has it all covered and then some.

In fact, she runs a successful business and finds that she’s always holding her employees’ hands. They constantly need support, messes cleaned up, and direction, and Monica is always the one for the job. Because that’s who she is.

While she would never admit this, even to herself, she is a perfectionist. Monica has high expectations and she likes things the way she likes them, but doesn’t even realize why. As a result, she’s created an environment where everyone has to check back in with her because she has never tried trusting those around her to step up for her

She doesn’t realize that she’s treating everything in her life like she treats an orgasm: A problem she can solve; A mistake she can prevent; Something to fix; Something to do. 

The problem with this is that she can’t out-work her pleasure. She needs to be present, lean into and trust her body, face the challenges she’s running from, and learn to receive. 


Monica’s Story: Healing From Feminine Burnout

Eventually (and luckily), Monica found me which is where her journey of healing from Feminine Burnout began.

Many of the women I work with come to me with a story like Monica’s and share a lot of similarities, because she is far from the only one. They’re hyper-independent, reluctant to rely on anyone because they don’t want to be let down, always micromanaging, and have a deep fear of making a mistake or letting anyone else down.

And at the end of the day, Monica and fellow Superwomen are smart enough to live life that way. It takes a lot of energy and emotional labour to stay ahead of everyone else, to predict, control, and check and recheck every outcome. It takes a smart, capable, boss b*tch to maintain that level of over-functioning. 

In Monica’s case, things need to be perfect and then she can enjoy herself or relax. But there’s a cost. And that cost is losing the present moment.

This level of over-functioning results in losing connection and intimacy because your mind is already on tomorrow. One of the things you need for great sex is to be present. You need to be able to open up and relax. You need to connect and you need to receive pleasure

If, like Monica, you treat pleasure like an item to check off your to-do list because you know it’s good for you and what you’re “supposed” to be doing, you’re not really experiencing pleasure.

You can’t “do pleasure”, you have to become it. 

The work doesn’t start with the hacks and the tricks. That’s why everything Monica has tried didn’t work. 

The work starts with knowing, loving, and feeling comfortable with herself. It’s not even about telling her husband what she wants yet (although that’s part of it down the road), it’s about the work she needs to do to feel comfortable, to slow down, to be present, to find pleasure and trust in her every day and then find pleasure in the bedroom. 

If I’m being honest, with Monica we needed to work on pretty much everything. We worked together for a year before I got this text: “I just had the best sex of my life. I can't believe it, I’m crying!”

Here’s the recipe that worked for Monica to heal from Feminine Burnout:

  1. Address outdated beliefs about sex and pleasure in the Pleasure Principles program
  2. Work on feeling worthy of receiving - rest, pleasure, gifts, etc.
  3. Learning to trust - in others, her husband and kid, her employees, herself, etc.
  4. Mindset work through custom 1:1 and group coaching - I.e. desires, asking for needs, being present, communicating needs, etc.

This is my message to you, fellow Superwoman.

You are safe and you are not alone.

I promise the world is not going to fall apart and you are going to find peace and beauty that you have never experienced before by letting go of so much of what you carry. That’s how you start to trust, start to receive, and experience the mind-blowing sex you thought everyone was lying about.

If you’re like Monica, you know something is missing and you want more. You want better health, more wealth, better sex, and more connected relationships. If you’re ready, I can help you like I have helped thousands of women globally. Check out the Feminine Burnout Recovery program to see if it’s right for you. 

I also recommend listening to episode 68 of The Pleasure Principles podcast where I talk more in depth about Monica’s story and her journey to healing.


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