Your Recently Asked Relationship and Intimacy Questions Answered

If you know me, you know that being a trusted source for you to ask questions about your relationships and sex life brings me so much joy.

There’s one thing I can tell you for certain and it’s that the sexual health education we received growing up, for lack of a better word, sucked. And that’s if we received any at all. This is why I encourage all our readers, listeners, and followers to send in any questions they may have by sending a DM on Instagram!

Today I’m answering two questions I received on Instagram. One is about relationships and the other is about sexual health. But at the end of the day, it’s all about pleasure.

If you’re looking for more answers to your sex ed questions, I recommend checking out Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4, where I address your most asked questions.

“How do I know when it’s over? When it’s not my partner that I want anymore, the spark isn’t there, and it’s other people that I seek?”

I can confidently say that this isn’t the only time I’ve received this question. In fact, I hear it a lot.

I work with fellow Superwomen which means we’re really great achievers, fixers and over-functioners. Thus, in many cases, we attract under-functioners. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. When we are constantly over-functioning and doing everything for everyone, it allows everyone around us to under-function.

We put in a lot of the effort which in turn builds resentment and sometimes instills a mother/child, teacher/student, or caregiver dynamic. And I don’t think I need to explain why that’s not sexy.

I know this well because I’ve been in this exact situation and here’s what helped me determine if my relationship was over.

After working an eleven hour day at my medical clinic, I came home exhausted and was debating whether or not to leave my husband. While talking about this on the phone to Rob Kandell, he said: 

“When you’re done, you’re done. Are you done?”

And I replied, “Yes.”

Obviously there’s more backstory to this, but sometimes it’s as easy as trusting your intuition and knowing that you’re done.

Another great way to look at this is to ask yourself: Do you have the energy for it anymore?

If you can simply answer these questions and your intuition is speaking to you. Then you know what you need to do. If you’re still on the fence I have two recommendations for you.

1. I recommend reading Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum for guidance on making your decision.
    
2. Work with a relationship and pleasure coach. The women I work with experiencing this dilemma often fear that if they do the work and follow their desires, the relationship will no longer work for them and they’ll outgrow it. But I will tell you one thing that’s for sure (which may have saved my marriage if I knew then what I know now). Your thinking brought you to where you are in this moment, and you cannot heal a relationship while being in your maculine/Superwoman. You need some new tools and if you’re on the brink you probably don’t have the time to do the research yourself. So if you’re ready, I’m more than happy to help you learn these lessons and help speed up the process.

“We’re having issues with swelling around her vagina after sex. We do foreplay, use lube, and try to keep it gentle to help but we find ourselves limiting the number of times we have sex because that’s the only thing that seems to work. While the swelling is annoying, it has lead to some infections if it goes on for too long. Do you know of anything that would help?

I want to start by addressing the medical concerns. First and foremost I’m answering this from an Instagram DM, so this is not specific medical advice as I do not know the patient, their history, or the full situation. I recommend starting by speaking with your healthcare provider. 

Medically, some things that we want to be thinking about are:

• Have you been tested for STI’s recently?
• Are there yeast infections or frequent UTI’s?
• Is she lubricating on her own?
• Have you tried different lubricants or different types of condoms?
• Are you washing your sex toys?
• Are items entering the vulva clean?

This could also be an autoimmune response. Generally, if her body isn’t reacting well to your fluids, using a condom and not ejaculating inside the vulva could fix this problem.

After I asked a few follow up questions I learned that this started happening once they were together and it does not happen when she masterbates. This leads me to the second part of my answer, which is something I've found to be experienced by thousands of women I’ve worked with.

Our vulvas KNOW.

They often know truths we aren’t even willing to admit ourselves – that we do not feel safe. Whether you don’t feel safe in your relationship, don’t feel safe with your sexuality, don’t feel safe communicating your needs, or perhaps there’s past trauma (recognized or unrecognized). Your vulva will respond to that.

There is 100% a mindset component to this. A vulva that is relaxed and safe will lubricate and accommodate without issue or pain (unless there’s an underlying medical concern).

For this couple I recommend starting by taking penetration off the table completely for a few months and doing things that do not cause this swelling. Then I also recommend this woman doing some deeper work on her sexual wellness. That includes working on her beliefs, her desires, her past traumas, her healing, etc. 

Doing the mindset work isn’t an easy fix. But it’s worth it.

What’s Next?

Listen to episode 67 of The Pleasure Principles podcast on Apple and Spotify to hear my answers to these questions more in-depth. I’ve also included a juicy update about my Superwoman life and what’s next for The Pleasure Collective!