Your Most Asked Sex Questions Answered Part 4

You asked and we’re here to deliver! We’re back answering your most asked sex ed (and burnout) questions that you’ve always wanted to know but were too afraid to ask (until now).

If you’re new here, be sure to check out part 1, part 2, and part 3. Over 80% of women feel uncomfortable speaking to their health care providers about sexual health, which is why we’re so happy to be a trusted source for your questions and encourage all our readers to send in any questions to us by sending a DM on Instagram! 

I have never been honest with my husband about my sexual past. What do I do?

This is something that comes up a lot. Women who feel they need to keep part of themselves a secret for fear of being judged or shamed by the person that they love.

Society has taught us to feel ashamed for our bodies, our natural stages of development, and our sexuality in general. As a result, shame is controlling parts of our life, our happiness and our relationships. And in cases like this, it’s causing us to keep parts of ourselves a secret from people we love.

1. The first step is to forgive ourselves.

There is not a single thing we have done in the past that we deserve to continue beating ourselves up for.

We need to instead know that no matter how much you experimented, how many people you’ve slept with, or if you got an STI, you are still worthy of love and intimacy.

This takes work, but when we can learn to forgive, it’s so freeing. It’s nobody's fault that they weren’t given the proper sexual education. No one knew what they were doing and everyone was given the same shame script. You are human, and you deserve to let go of those feelings of shame.

2. Next is understanding why you are feeling shame toward telling your partner. 

Is it because you don’t think it will be received well? Do they have the same negative conditioning that you do? Likely, it has to do with their conditioning about gender roles and sexuality. In this case, they’re responsible for working through that on their own and it’s not your job to fix it for them.

However, it’s perfectly reasonable to have a conversation about your sexual past with your partner if you think they’re emotionally available to have that conversation with you. But I recommend working on yourself first so you’re going into that conversation without shame and feeling worthy of love. Anyone who would make you feel bad about your sexual history hasn’t done the work on themselves.

It’s also perfectly reasonable for you to forgive yourself and move on. 

Nobody needs to know your history but you.

I think I have feminine burnout but I am stuck, scared, and I cannot think about adding in anything new. What should I do?

If my posts, blogs, and podcasts are connecting with you, there is a good chance you are burnt out and you’ve been experiencing this for so long that this state feels like your “normal”, and any changes, relaxing, or peace almost don’t feel natural.

If you’re thinking “If I slow down it’s all going to fall apart” or “If I add one more thing it’s all going to fall apart”, that’s a sign.

The thing about the Superwomen I work with is that they aren’t used to asking for help. The help they’re used to is reading books, researching, implementing plans they’ve found online, and essentially working harder to solve the problem on their own.

Superwomen aren’t used to taking that leap of faith. They want the evidence and the proof before making a decision. But that’s what the work of breaking the Feminine Burnout cycle entails. The Superwomen conditioning that brought you to this level of burnout in the first place is designed to hold you back. 

So my most valuable piece of advice is that “ready” is not a feeling, it’s a decision you have to make.

We need to fix the patterns that are keeping you tired, depressed, anxious, and isolated, or you will be waiting the rest of your life for the perfect opportunity to feel “ready”. 

If you know you’re experiencing Feminine Burnout, it’s time to make the decision to put in the work even if you don’t feel “ready” to add this journey onto your plate.

It will be worth it.

For more advice about steps to take for breaking the Feminine Burnout cycle, click here.

Period sex. I’m in the mood but my husband is disgusted. What should I do? 

Navigating differences in libido can be challenging for many couples, and unfortunately the journey of exploration is something we weren’t taught to do together. In fact, we weren't even taught that we should explore our own desires or turn ons. 

In this case, you’ve identified a time when your libido is higher than that of your partner. Of course, we don’t want to force our partners to do anything they aren’t into. Even if their perspective is rooted in patriarchal values and outdated knowledge, consent is still consent. Having said that, there are still things you can do to work on this area together.

My first recommendation is to focus on education.

For example:

• How much does your husband actually know about periods?
• How would he feel if he knew how common it was for couples to have sex on their periods?
• Is he still believing outdated information from when he was a teenager?
• Would updating his knowledge base by giving him a book or article to read? (I recommend reading my article on How To Have Sex During Periods Safely & Comfortably)

Ideally, something like reading a book or listening to a podcast about the topic helps him to realize that maybe he isn’t grossed out by the act itself, but it’s really his lack of knowledge of what he’s been taught about it. 

My hope is that they would be open to learning without feeling any pressure to do anything beyond that. If he’s still not ready for it, you could initiate some conversation to determine what’s holding him back. For example, is it the mess that's concerning him? What’s the specific hang-up? 

If it’s still a no, you could also look into introducing other types of intimacy during this time of the month. For example, cuddling while pleasuring yourself, introducing toys, etc. Essentially, is there a compromise that works for both of you? 

If they’re not open to any of the above, it’s possible you aren’t compatible in this aspect of your sex life. Only you can decide what works for you, and practicing self-love and self-care, and knowing what you desire is so important in intimate relationships.

I’m a step mom and it’s affecting my relationship, my sex life, and everything in between. What do i do?

As a step-mother myself, I know that split family dynamics are super tricky to navigate.

Many blended families find their first few years difficult to navigate, and the added stress impacts our stress response. So first and foremost, cut yourself and your partner some slack if you’re feeling less in the mood during some stressful times. 

I recommend planning your alone time as a couple. You may want sex to be intimate and spontaneous but sometimes in our busy and chaotic lives, planning connection time is better than no connection time.

If you can plan the connection time but incorporate some spontaneity and novelty, it’s going to help reignite that spark. For example, you can get in bed together with no agenda and see what happens. If you’re both so exhausted you fall asleep, it is what it is. 

I also want to talk about boundaries.

Realistically, you can set boundaries for anything that works for you. For example, when and how much you communicate with ex’s, space that is just for you in your home, etc. 

Boundaries are important because when you feel respected and supported, that break that’s stopping you from feeling desire will be lifted and you should start to feel that spark come back.

Lastly, I recommend creating rituals that allow you to connect back to your partner. For example, something for the both of you after an exchange day with the kids or after a particularly turbulent time. Something that can ground you both in your relationship despite the chaos these dynamics will try and place on you.

I know it’s hard, but you’ve got this!

Do you have more questions?

If you find yourself having more questions on sex and pleasure, you may want to look into The Pleasure Principles program. Our program provides a space for women like you to find community and support along their journey to find or improve their pleasure. You can find out more here.

If you’re looking for something more personalized, I offer executive 1:1 coaching focusing on learning to receive pleasure for better health, better connection, and more wealth.

I also recommend listening to episode #59 of The Pleasure Principles podcast where I answer these questions more in-depth.