Your Most Asked Sex Questions Answered Part 3

We’re back answering your most asked sex ed questions (be sure to read parts 1 and 2). We’re so happy to be a trusted source for your questions and encourage all our readers to send in any questions to us!  

My husband and I haven’t had sex in months and I’m really nervous about it. I’m always too tired or find excuses by the end of the day to avoid it. How can I build intimacy throughout the day so I actually want to do it?

This is a very common issue we see with the women we work with. We’re always so busy during the day, we end up exhausted by the evening and don’t have any interest in getting intimate. If you’re overwhelmed at the thought of having sex after months, then you’re likely overwhelmed in other areas of your life. Something that could help get you out of your funk would be focusing on extending the foreplay with your partner.

What’s important to consider is that foreplay isn’t just the 5-10 minutes of kissing/oral before penetration. Foreplay can be an all-day thing that will help to warm you up/turn you on throughout the day. Some foreplay tips:

1. Make a To Do List - This is for when you find yourself getting constantly distracted thinking about all the things you need to do. Getting it all out of your head and onto paper by writing it all down will help you to feel less overwhelmed and make it easier to be present and in the moment while being intimate.
2. Pamper Yourself - What feels good and what do you need to feel relaxed? A nice bath to unwind or a new piece of lingerie maybe? Whatever helps to make you feel good and transition from mom-mode or work-mode to intimacy mode is very important.
3. Sexting - This doesn’t have to be explicit or raunchy, but can even be little flirty messages throughout the day to help get the ball rolling. Sexting can help build the excitement and momentum throughout the day. 

My life is stuck. If I get the tools to fix one area will that flow into the rest?

When we’re living in overdrive, we’re not leaving any space for the good stuff, for the ease, flow and kindness we deserve to receive. Everything comes when you learn to receive - money, orgasms, praise, rest, energy.  Once you start to uncover your desires and trust that you’re worthy of good things coming your way, you’ll be amazed at how your life changes.

Tips for someone who has never had an orgasm?

You need to truly believe that amazing orgasms are real and possible for you, and that you’re capable and worthy of them. They can be difficult to achieve when you’ve had negative sexual experiences or when you try to force them into happening.

Oftentimes, there are many factors under the surface that contribute to not being able to experience orgasm, and it’s important to determine what is affecting you:

• You may want to look into pelvic floor physio to rule out any anatomical factors. 
• If you were taught that it’s wrong or dirty you may be experiencing some shame or guilt and need to address that. 
• The same goes for trauma or post negative sexual experiences that need to be unpacked by a professional. 
• Body issues can impact our ability to relax and open up to receiving an orgasm as well.

Unfortunately, there isn’t a simple quick fix but for more tips listen to episode #45 of The Pleasure Principles Podcast.

I have some desires that my partner may find strange or kinky. How do I approach this?

Sex can be awkward and intimidating for everyone. Being honest about how and what you’re feeling is always the right thing to do. It may help by explaining to your partner that you feel a little shy or uncomfortable about the conversation but it’s a very important one. 

Start by introducing some conversations about fantasy, asking your partner what they would like to try, then sharing your fantasies as well. In scenarios like these, it’s best to be specific by providing examples (showing videos, podcasts, erotica, etc.). It’s a great way of introducing the topic in a non-confrontational way.

Make sure you give your partner time to process the conversation as well. Don’t expect an immediate response, and give your partner room to have their own thoughts and feelings about it. If they continue being shocked or judgemental about your desires, that could be a red flag. You want to feel safe and secure with your partner.

It’s also important to respect each other’s no’s. It’s possible your kink will be a no-go for your partner and that’s okay.  

I don’t even know what I want in the bedroom… Where do I start?

We’ve been taught to worry about what other people want and taught to perform in the bedroom, rather than what we want & desire and what turns us on. Because of this, many women don’t know where to start.

The Pleasure Principles provides a safe space to explore and talk with other women, and uncover what our true desires are. The hybrid (self-directed + coaching) program helps to build the foundations for better sex, better intimacy, and better communication. 

You can find out more about the program here, and be sure to listen to episode #55 on Apple and Spotify.