Why Safety And Security Lead To Better Sex

Sex is more complicated than just being turned on and having it. It’s actually a much more complex process that is inherently tied to our body’s biology and experiences. Women desire safety and security, necessary components of a healthy relationship that lead to better sex.

Security As A Foundation

Within a healthy relationship, each person requires different types of security in order to feel safe. Whether that’s emotional security, physical security, financial security, or overall reliability or integrity from their partner.

Not feeling secure impacts our sexual activity immensely. We may be longing for deeper connection and more intimacy with our partner, but when the time comes to actually pursue pleasure, our bodies shut down. Whether it’s because we feel obligated, or are so stressed that we can’t focus properly, our ability to get aroused is blocked. Why? Because our sympathetic nervous system is likely working in overdrive.

Sympathetic vs Parasympathetic Nervous System

The sympathetic nervous system turns on when we’re faced with an immediate stressor, or when our body perceives a threat. This could be anything from opening an email with test results or worrying about someone not texting you back. We’re faced with these spikes in the SNS response daily (information from The Pink Canary). Our sympathetic response brings about hormonal changes that involve adrenaline and cortisol being released, leading to increased blood pressure, higher heart rate, and suppression of pleasure because our body is choosing survival over any of the other bodily processes. It’s  supposed to be a healthy response to keep us safe but when we live in a chronic state of stress, that’s when we start to see problems.

On the opposite side of the SNS, you have the parasympathetic nervous system - this response refers to a relaxed and open state, something that’s necessary for good sex.  We need to have a balance between the SNS and the PSNS states, because only one can be activated at once. When you’re in a constant state of the SNS being activated, your pleasure and relaxation mode are suppressed.

How To Find Balance

If you’re looking for better sex and a deeper connection with your partner, you have to first look inwards. Start by evaluating your sense of security and the types of security you think you may need in order to engage in and enjoy sex. Overtime, we’ve normalized stress, overworking and high anxiety so it’s no wonder our nervous systems are in overdrive and shutting down our desire.

Ask yourself, what areas can you feel more secure to receive the intimacy and connection that you deserve? What are the things that give you a feeling in your gut like you have to be on alert? It could be taking work home with you, overstimulation from TV, etc.. Where do you need to feel more secure? When you’re on edge, what is your body telling you?

It’s important to address your internal needs first, work on giving that to yourself, then begin the work with your partner to improve those areas of security. 

Ready For Better Sex?

Listen to episode #37 of The Pleasure Principles Podcast on Apple and Spotify to learn more why the foundations of safety and security can learn to better sex. And learn about cultivating fulfilling sex by registering for our free live Better Sex event on Friday February 11th at 1pm EST here.