Over the past little while, my male audience has been growing so I wanted to focus on something that all genders send me messages about – “How can I become a better lover?”.
Many of you are like me. You’re what I like to call “superwomen” or in this case “superpeople”. The short explanation for a superwoman/superperson is that you’re people-pleasers and over-functioners who are great at sacrificing their own needs for others.
A lot of these characteristics have been great for our career success, but we struggle to connect, be present, relax, and feel comfortable receiving. Especially when our nervous system is dysregulated.
And at the end of the day we blame ourselves and think “I have so much, why can’t I just be happy?” or “What’s wrong with me?”. But it’s not your fault and you are absolutely not alone.
When we start to bring these characteristics into the bedroom and intimate relationships, a few things will happen. Sex will eventually start to suck because you think it makes you a good lover to only focus on your partner's pleasure. And truthfully, you may not even be aware that you’re doing this as much as you are.
Again, this isn’t your fault. We grew up reading Cosmopolitan only giving us tips for pleasing our partner but never anything about exploring our own pleasure. But it’s important to remember that sex isn’t a performance.
Performing will not make you a great lover. So what does make you a great lover?
1. Know yourself FIRST and then your partner
One of the foundations of my signature pleasure and intimacy program, Pleasure Principles, is about discovering your own pleasure – In and out of the bedroom. You need self-intimacy before you can become a better lover. I want you to read this next line twice…
It is not your partner’s responsibility to discover your pleasure. Your pleasure starts with YOU.
Here’s a secret, superwomen. Men want you to initiate intimacy too. They want you to know what you like and ask for it. They want you to be a participant in sex and not just focus on their pleasure.
Making sex and your pleasure your partner's responsibility is not sexy and will cause resentment in the long term.
2. Give and take
Intimacy is about giving AND receiving – the balance of both.
If you are overwhelmed, feeling like you are going to snap if one more thing gets added to your to-do list, feeling like there is something missing in your life, etc. there’s a good chance the pleasure centers in your brain are turned off.
You have a receiving problem. But in order to be a great lover you need to be able to RECEIVE pleasure. This includes being able to receive help, being able to rest without feeling guilty, and the ability to do it all without being stuck in your head.
There is something special about a woman who can receive, with gratitude and pleasure. It is rare because we are taught to do it all and keep our superwoman capes on. This is rigid, isolating and results in keeping these walls up with our intimate partners which is not great for truly connecting and receiving.
Receiving is hard for over-functioning women, so it will take practice. A good place to start is to practice touching your partner for YOUR pleasure and practice touching yourself for your pleasure.
You need to be out of your head and in the moment to have great sex and connection. If you are distracted and the pleasure centers in your brain turned off, touch is not as pleasurable. And your partner can feel that you are not in the moment.
The work is learning to tolerate receiving and feeling more pleasure.Your turn-on is not your partner's responsibility. I work with so many women who are overwhelmed, taking on way too much, and putting the responsibility of their turn-on on their partners.
But what makes you the best lover is knowing that your pleasure starts with YOU. Your pleasure is your responsibility. It’s something you cultivate first and then share with another.
This keeps it exciting.
This keeps things in proper energetic balance.
This is what so many couples are missing.
When you know your pleasure, you are able to receive and connect intimately with another. This is what we desire, and what most relationships are missing.
There are two ways you can work with me to fill the void you’ve been feeling and achieve the intimacy and connection you’ve been craving.
1:1 Private Coaching with Dr. J
At the time I am writing this, applications are open for private coaching – Private and exclusive pleasure and intimacy coaching for successful women looking for intimacy, better sex, and more connected relationships. Click here to learn more and apply to work with me.
Enroll in the Pleasure Principles™
Pleasure Principles™ is the foundational program created by Dr. Jordin Wiggins to enhance, reignite, and communicate your desires, while bringing the vitality back to you and your relationships. Click here to learn more and enroll in the program.