The Art Of Initiating Sex in Marriage and Long-Term Relationships

Oct 25, 2023

In the beginning of a relationship, initiating sex and intimacy comes easy. Initiating sex in marriage and long-term relationships is where things start to become more complicated.

I first want to mention that this is normal. At the beginning of a relationship your attachment neurochemicals – dopamine, norepinephrine – are going crazy and sex and intimacy is something that just comes naturally.

When it comes to sex in marriage and long-term relationships, those neurochemicals have faded, life has taken over, and priority has shifted away from sex and pleasure. This is why pleasure and intimacy is something that needs to be prioritized and cultivated, especially in marriage and long-term relationships.

Here are some of the problems I see when it comes to initiating sex in marriage and long-term relationships:

  • It becomes another item to check off on the to do list – someone has to put the effort in.
  • It usually ends up being ONE person who is always initiating, but should be a team effort.
  • A lot of the time the person doing the initiating becomes resentful if it is mostly one-sided.
  • In situations with mismatched libidos – the higher desire partner might feel shot down and when they have been turned down so many times they might put it on the lower desire partner.


In terms of initiation,
I actually prefer the concept of “seduction”. Let me tell you more about it.

 

Tips for Seduction in Marriage and Long-Term Relationships

I view seduction as the invitation or desire to be drawn into possibility

For example: You are trying to finish up work emails and you’re watching Netflix at the end of a long day. Let’s face it, there’s not much possibility there – You know exactly how that night is going to end.

BUT, what if you look your partner in the eyes, let your hand or lips linger, activate your pleasure channel (those that work with me know what I am talking about). Now you’ve created a new possibility with seduction. It is exciting and it fosters connection.

Here are some of my tips for seduction and initiating in marriage and long-term relationship:

  1. Build Anticipation - For example, send a spicy text throughout the day and tell them what you want to do to them. Maybe leave a little mystery like “Meet me in the bedroom at 8pm.” or “Block off your calendar Sunday morning. You’re mine.”. Think back to the beginning of your relationship – what was the most exciting part about your intimacy? Try and recreate elements of that. 

  2. Novelty - You need to switch things up. Our brains habituate to stimulus and what worked a few years ago is not what’s going to work today. So if you typically initiate by asking verbally, maybe put on some lingerie, light some candles in the room, grab their hand and lead the way, etc.

  3. Compliment - Compliments are a great way to get the connection neurochemicals flowing. Flirting, appreciating your partner, their appearance, the way they do something sexual to you, etc. will increase connection and get you out of the day-to-day rut. The art of flirting is something I teach in my programs. We can add anticipation and compliment together –  “Babe, I appreciate everything you have been doing with the renovations. You’ve really stepped up for us. We both need some time to connect… meet me in the shower tonight.”

  4. Attunement/Connection - Where is your partner at? Do they have a lot on their plate? Is their stress at an all time high and their desire low? Remember, this does not have to be the same old checkbox sex. Figure out what you’re available for right now (maybe that’s just cuddling naked). Figure out what your partner is available for right now. It may have been a while or you have one thing in your head about how the encounter should turn out. It’s important not to be rigid with these ideas and get stuck there.

  5. Soften - Softening is a feminine practice that I teach in my programs and you’ve probably heard me talk about it often. When we are over-functioning and constantly “doing”, it’s rigid and it has us in our masculine pole. There’s nothing wrong with this – both our masculine and feminine energy is important to tap into – but a massive change up is to soften, both our physical bodies and emotionally. Soft, receptive, inviting energy is energy that is craving for intimacy.

 

Need more help exploring your desires and having deeper connection and intimacy in your relationships?

There are three ways you can work with me to fill the void you’ve been feeling and achieve the intimacy and connection you’ve been craving.


1:1 Private Coaching with Dr. J

At the time I am writing this, applications are open for private coaching – Private and exclusive pleasure and intimacy coaching for successful women looking for intimacy, better sex, and more connected relationships. Click here to learn more and apply to work with me.

Feminine Mentorship

(I only accept 15 women into this mentorship 1x per year) The Feminine Mentorship is a 12 month program all about diving deep into your desires, breaking patterns keeping you overwhelmed, holding you accountable, practicing the work and emerging as the FULFILLED woman you crave to be. Click here to learn more.

Enroll in the Pleasure Principles™

Pleasure Principles™ is the foundational program created by Dr. Jordin Wiggins to enhance, reignite, and communicate your desires, while bringing the vitality back to you and your relationships. Click here to learn more and enroll in the program.

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