This one is for the dudes...

Dec 07, 2020

Foundations: when you have drifted so far apart from your partner, you don’t know where to start

Most of you know that I am feminist as hell.

Not because I hate men. And definitely not because I am unaware of the struggles that men face in today’s society. I see the way our culture holds women AND men down. Forcing us into our boxes, punishing us for leaving them.

So, this one is for the dudes.

I have been told by my clients, “my husband is going to hate you at the end of this program.”

I have been told “I asked my husband to read a book on having better sex for me and he got upset thinking I was telling him he was bad at sex.” 

I have several books that are dog eared, highlighted on how to give better blow jobs. We have been reading Cosmo articles about how to please our men since before we had even kissed a boy… What gives?

And that is the problem.

Our society hasn’t left much room for you to grow beyond being “manly”. And that hurts me. The wounded masculine has been taught to respond with anger or abandonment, rather than openness and grounded curiosity.

You aren’t allowed to cry the tears, to do the work, to be honest with yourself, your partner your therapist, about your pain. The weight of your trauma crushes you, and there is no way for you to acceptably feel and process.

Keeping it all bottled up. That’s “manly”. Not getting help when you need it...

We all grow up hearing the same messages.

“Be a man. Don’t cry.”

“Girls are more mature than boys.”

 Where do we get these ideas?

Boys are be strong, powerful, ambitious.” We learn pretty early on that pain and feelings = weakness. Do not be feminine, soft or a p*ssy in any circumstance (Umm, last I checked p*ssuies are the bomb), don’t ever let them see you cry.

Girls are controlling, manipulative and emotional. Girls should be pretty, quiet, soft. Never take up too much space. And never be sexual, unless you are in a bedroom with the door closed for your husband. And even then, he might have a hard time reconciling his “wife” with the sexual woman he encounters in the bedroom…a reason men cite for cheating, because their wife couldn’t be both.

If a girl says “no”, she is probably just being shy. Try again. She doesn’t know what she wants, but you do.

The same beliefs that make it so difficult for women, have also wounded men.

And then we expect to relate to one another. In partnerships all while doing this crazy thing called life – working, parenting, trying to stay healthy. When everything we have been taught has kept us at odds our entire lives.

The dynamic I witness with my clients is always similar… She is carrying the emotional burden of the relationship; he is checked out and happy to bury those bad feelings down.

So, women get angry and attempt to control. Or shrink and feel small. Made to feel shame and not worthy of your feelings by someone who never learned how to have feelings in the first place.

I try to smile. To fight my feelings that will make you call us “too much”, “needy”.

Or worse…because you disconnect and write me off as irrational because I am having emotions. 

Or the worst – have your friends call you whipped or a “simp” because you listen to and take care of my needs.

You go on your phone, eyes glaze over watching the game or make an excuse to work late.

You sleep on the couch.

So, I stop asking for help. I get resentful. I feel forced into my masculine energy – keeping it all bottled up, waiting for it to explode...probably with a lot of tears that will push you further away.  

It feels like needing to get up, put on my “cock” and muscle through the day.

It feels foreign. I become unrecognizable, weepy, resentful - a shell of my former self.  My attempts to become masculine/contain, control & prevent damage seem to backfire.

You get increasingly angry. Increasingly gone.

The continued cycle of feelings, miscommunication and unmet emotional needs, followed by fracturing and disconnected seems relentless. 

But really what I am craving is your foundation.

A safe place to come undone.

For your solid lines and sharp edges to hold my swirls and curves.

I want to create with you here.

You are the frame; I am the canvas.

I want to know you.

To hear about the feelings that you have never let yourself feel. To kiss the scars you pretend are not there.

And we can go deeper. I will create a better reality for all of us.

Look what my body can create in 9 months. My ability to create and sustain life.   

I want to trust that you will handle sh*t. That the foundation will not crumble when things get tough.

This will feel foreign. 

Because we have drifted so far apart, we go to bed at different times. We question our very purpose in this union.

Let’s get back to our polarities.

Where there is no lack. No “should”s. No resentment. No outside noise. No judgement and no expectation. Just us.

Only communication, co-creation and connection.

There is your structure, dependability and stability I can count on.

I am able to yield. To relax into you.

Healthy masculine is able to discern, is motived and able to come up with new ideas and plans. Feels validated and is able to build the foundation for the feminine to exist within.

From this place he can also support a healthy feminine.  

I become expansive and creative, taking everyone higher. I radiate. I attract.

For here we are in the flow. 

King and queen.

Ruling together. Creating new worlds.

In the flow, nothing can touch us.

Meet me here.

Dr. J


Tips for balancing masculine and feminine energy when you don’t know where to start (for the dudes):

  • Stay grounded, open, connected. No matter what she is feeling.
    • This is not giving in, agreeing with everything that is going on. It is just holding space. This allows us both to win.
  • Hold me tight, until I soften.
  • Make eye contact, don’t blink until you can see the fear melt away.
  • Hold my hand, let me know we are on this journey together.
  • Affirm each other’s feelings.
  • Remind yourself, as long as you want the same things/outcomes you are not only in this together, but better together.
  • Remember if you pour a beer without a glass (foundation) and it spills all over the floor, all you have is a mess. And no beer.

Ladies – Pleasure Mindset Bootcamp starts February 1st. It is completely FREE to join. Let’s work on our sh*t together.

Men- I would love to hear from you if this resonated.


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