Mismatched Libidos: Do You and Your Partner Have Different Sex Drives?

Are you in a relationship where there is a significant difference in how much sex you both would like?

Mismatched libidos are so common and something so many of the women I work with experience!

I know a lot of women get the “blame” for being the lower drive partner, but just as many of you are struggling out there with being the higher drive partner in your relationship.

Whether you are the higher drive partner or the lower drive partner, it can put a strain on your communication, your connection and your desire…definitely not a recipe for having good sex!

So, let’s chat! 

There are many reasons for mismatched libido. You may think your hormones are to blame, but I want to explore mismatched libidos a little bit further!

If you are anything like me and most of the women I work with, desire needs to be cultivated with my partner.

It needs to be created and nurtured, and it’s not striking like a lightning bolt of “I need it right now”. We need to be able to respond to an environment that makes us want to get intimate.   

The Narrative:

We get told this story about sex and pleasure from the time we are young girls. That women are to play coy, to not want it “too much”, to withhold and gate keep sex so we don’t get labeled “easy”.

While men are expected to be the initiators, to always want sex, to always have the higher drive. Unfortunately, this narrative harms almost everyone.

It harms the women who are high drive because they are “too aggressive”, it harms the women who are low drive because they are taught it’s normal to not want sex (spoiler alert: it’s not) so they don’t seek help and miss out on a lifetime of pleasure.

It harms the men who are low drive because they are not “manly enough”, and it harms the men who are higher drive because they never are taught to lean into their partners wants and needs and cultivate desire together.

If you are the lower drive partner, you may feel…

• Guilty
• Like something is wrong with you
• Worried your partner is going to go somewhere else to get it
• Frustrated with your body

If you are the higher drive partner, you may feel…

• Rejected
• Frustrated
• Like you are pressuring your partner
• (For women in particular) like something is wrong with you for wanting more sex than your partner

Communication

How do you and your partner talk about sex?

Does your partner take the good old “want to have sex?” approach?

Do you shy away from uncomfortable conversations about sex and pleasure because you have never been taught how to have them?

I can almost guarantee that communication is a huge part of your experience of mismatched libidos and opposing sex drives in your relationships. It's not easy, but it's possible to have these difficult conversations and create a new narrative around sex and pleasure that makes both of you feel seen and have your needs met. I can teach you!

As you can see, mismatched libidos go a lot deeper than just being a woman who isn’t all that interested in sex or blaming it all on the hormones*.

More often than not, mismatched libidos are less about different levels of desire and more about how we respond and cultivate desire for ourselves, and how our partners respond and cultivate desire for us.

So, what’s next?

If this is speaking to you, join The Pleasure Mindset Bootcamp, a free community where we address these underlying barriers to desire and good sex, learn to build desire and stop those old outdated beliefs about women and how much sex they want in their tracks.

Our next free bootcamp starts on April 12^th! See you there!

With all the pleasure,

Dr. J

*P.S. If you suspect you have an underlying hormone imbalance, talk to your health care provider and get the right testing done! I offer MasterClasses a few times a year on low libido and hormones – join the Pleasure Mindset Bootcamp so you don’t miss out!