Some women seem like they have it all. They’re killing it at work. They’re the CEOs, the managers, the leaders in the boardroom.
But they’re not getting what they want in the bedroom.
Most of the women I work with are absolute powerhouses. They started their own businesses or manage high profile cases and clients. They chased their passions in life, shattered the glass ceilings that were supposed to hold them back.
But they're still part of the 50% of women that experience sexual dysfunction.
Let's talk a little bit about perfectionism and how this might be part of the problem. And you don't need to be high-powered in your career to identify with this, or to learn something from this episode. Perfectionism is about striving for excellence. It’s about holding yourself to really, really high standards.
I'm a self-identified perfectionist, and sure, we get a lot done. A lot of people rely on us, at home, at work – our friendships, relationships, children, employees, everywhere we go. But we also do too much. We can twist ourselves into an anxious mess if we don't set boundaries (and stay tuned, there’s a whole episode coming on this!).
Why exactly is it so hard? Why do high-powered women not get the sex they want and the sex they deserve? Here’s the top 4 reasons:
When you're always thinking, planning, organizing, delegating, worrying, it leaves very little time to just relax and give your brain a chance to respond to the pleasure signals for desire to build. Being in your head is never going to give you the room you need to get turned on.
When you are so used to being in control, sometimes it can be hard to be the vulnerable one who asks for what you need. I know most of us can recall a time where a simple request in the bedroom like “stop, a little harder, go a bit slower, a little to the left” was running through your head during a sexual encounter. So why can't we just say it? If you want better sex, you need to start communicating your sexual needs.
If you’re always in charge, chances are you’re taking on bigger responsibilities at work, but also doing more at home. Even if you divide the tasks equally, who organizes all of that? Keeping things running smoothly is a job in itself. This is the invisible workload. And if you’re doing 100% of the invisible workload to keep everything together and it’s not acknowledged, you can build up resentment. And no-one wants to get intimate when they are feeling resentment.
Sex isn't perfect. Sometimes it's weird. Sometimes it's awkward. Often, we are comparing ourselves to the curated, edited versions of people we see on holiday movies or pornography, where they literally edit out the changing of positions. If you can only get in the mood when you feel perfect, I want you to make a list of the top three things you need, like a shower or massage, or getting the kids out of the house. And let's start making these happen. But you need to let go of the rest.
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