What women want in the bedroom (and how to break through the culture of silence)

If you missed the last episode of💫The Pleasure Principles Podcast💫, part one of my series on what men and women want, please do go back and have a listen. Because for part two, we’re talking about what women want in the bedroom. And you don’t want to miss a second of this!

If you know me or follow me, you’ll have heard or read that one in two women globally will experience sexual dysfunction in their lifetime. I find this statistic frightening, which is why I’ve made it my mission to reduce this number. So, how do we do that? The answer isn’t what you might think. 

It's not lingerie, it’s not feeling better about your body by losing the 10 pounds or getting the filler. And it's definitely not a new position. 

Here’s a secret: Women want sex that is good for them. They pursue sex that satisfies them, they chase it and make time for it. They daydream about it. 

There's this perception that women want less sex and men, that they need to accept less sex after having children, or when they’re going through menopause. That we need to accept declining desire as a natural part of life. This is, frankly, bullshit. 

How many of us go years without sex in a relationship, thinking that our libidos are gone? We could care less if we ever have it again, only to spark up a new sex life with a new partner. And wow, does libido come back! But then things get comfortable, and your libido disappears again. 

Not to mention the several hundreds of women I've worked with who are breast cancer survivors, on hormone therapy, or menopausal – all having great sex. They desire it, they lubricate on their own, despite all the factors we are told are against us… age, hormones, stage of life, medication. 

So, what's the difference?

The orgasm gap is what’s keeping women from enjoying sex the way they deserve to.

On this episode, I talk about the orgasm gap – the disparity of orgasms in heterosexual relationships. It refers to the reality that 75% of men orgasm from penetrative sex (otherwise known as penis in vagina). Compared to only 29% of women that do. 

In one study, one in four women report not orgasming the last time they had sex, while 85% of male participants told researchers their partners reached orgasm. 

That’s not a small discrepancy. 

Ladies, are we faking it?

How do we make sure that more than 30% of women actually have orgasms during their sexual encounters? How do we make sure that sex is enjoyable for women too?

One of my clients has never orgasmed. She faked it for the first five years of her current relationship. And she admitted to her partner for the last three that she's not orgasming. And it's been detrimental to their relationship. She feels broken, like there's something wrong with her. He feels inadequate, like he cannot satisfy her. 

This is a problem, because we have two people that love each other, but they just don't have the tools for better sex. 

What women need for better sex is a unique approach we’re not seeing out there. 

I had to go on my own 10-year journey to figure this out myself.

There are three reasons why women are not enjoying the sex they’re having:

1. We need a sexual health re-education 

We need to learn what works for our bodies. And we know that penetrative sex is only the answer for about 30% of women. Discover why we’ve been ordering the same item off the menu for so long. And why we need to know the proper anatomical terms and how this can help empower your clitoris. 

2. Our culture teaches us not to know what we want, to stay small and keep our emotions small

We need to know what we want, but our culture teaches us to want less, to stay small, to keep our emotions small. Learn why we have pelvis pain and can’t relax. And how a mindset shift can flip our libidos. 

3. We are not taught how to communicate these desires

I have women that have been in partnerships with men for more than 20 years, who have children and are a team in every sense of the word. But when it comes to communicating their desires, wants or needs in the bedroom, they fall silent. Why?

I know that some of this sounds familiar to you. There’s so much more in this episode that you will want to hear, so do tune in here. But before you get excited and run off to share this with your partner (and believe me, I want you to), please remember these two cautionary tips.

You are not broken. But what you’ve been taught has also been taught to your partner. So, before you mention the crappy sex part, let’s get your partner on board. Try reading my book and sharing the chapters, tips and worksheets that will help both of you. Or have them listen to this podcast with the context of: “Hey, babe, there IS an answer, I can't wait to learn more and share it with you.” 

Secondly, the work starts with you. It’s not up to your partner to help fix your problem. You have to stop trying to fit into a mould that wasn’t created for you. And then learn to communicate your needs with your partner. This is what will break the silence around what women want and need. 

The problem of women not wanting sex, not knowing the sex they want and what they desire, or how to communicate it is why I created The Pleasure Principles, a 12-week educational program that will improve all areas of your life where you lack pleasure. It’s a revolution, a collective shift in the mindset to put pleasure first, without guilt. Book a free consult to find out if this program is a fit for you. 

Listen to episode #6 on Apple. Or on Spotify. And if you like what you hear, do us a favour and leave a rating or review.