The Agony of Online Dating: 5 ways to keep your spark and get what you’re looking for

Whether you are on eHarmony, Plenty of Fish, Tinder, or any of the online dating sites and apps that are available, they all have one thing in common…online dating can be hard.

You may have heard the legend of the young couple that met online and within a year of their first date they were planning their wedding…or John and Margaret, who were each other’s first dates after their respective divorces and had such a great time they never had to go on another first date again.

Yes, those stories exist.

But another online dating pattern involves women who are giving all their energy to really find a partner, only to be met with disappointment, frustration and feeling drained by the whole process.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

You can set boundaries, ask the right questions AND keep your zest for life on your journey to find whatever it is you are looking for…a relationship, a marriage, a friendship, or a casual fling.

Follow these 5 rules of online dating so you can enjoy the process, not waste time feeling under appreciated, drained and depleted of the amazing things that make you YOU:

1. Communicate

This may seem like an obvious one, but sometimes it is the hardest. Women are programmed to be pleasers and hesitant to rock the boat in case we cause someone to feel annoyed or angry with us.

But sometimes we just have to ask the tough questions.

This isn’t about interrogating someone about their past, their choices or their fashion style. It is about finding out if you are both on the same page and looking for the same things.

Know the questions you want answers to and really listen to their answers. Only choose 1 or 2, you can figure out the rest as you go.

• Are you looking to be in an exclusive relationship?
• How do you feel about casual relationships?
• How often do you like to talk to/spend time with the person you are dating?

And another tip, if someone is evading your questions or making you feel bad for asking them…there’s your answer. They are not ready for the kind of maturity that you are looking for.

2. Don’t be afraid to walk away

The double-edged sword of online dating…options.

On one hand, it may make people a little more likely to cut and run when they face problems in a relationship because another date is just a swipe or a message away.

But…it can also be used in your favour. If your date isn’t what you’re looking for, isn’t a match, doesn’t share the same values or dreams as you…it’s time to move on and find someone else to grab drinks or have dinner with.

3. Expect the oxytocin

Oxytocin is a wonderful hormone that makes us feel great, connected and in love. More oxytocin is almost always a good thing.

I say almost always because our bodies release oxytocin (and the feelings of closeness and connection that come along with it) even when we are with partners that are not good for us. It can confuse us into thinking we have stronger feelings for someone than we do…or should.

So when you are engaging in activities of physical and social closeness with a new partner, like hand holding, cuddling, and especially after good sex, remember that your body is going to tell you that you like this person and you want more. It’s just biology.

Make sure to take a step back and separate the oxytocin rush from the real issues…is this person a good fit for me? Should I continue to date them?

4. Be honest with yourself…and the person you’re dating

Have you ever told yourself a little white lie about the person you’re dating or the relationship you’re in?

            “I wouldn’t mind moving to a new city.”

            “He definitely will want to settle down if I just give him a little more time.”

            “She’ll stop texting her ex if I ask her one more time.”

We are all guilty of it.

But the bottom line is, if you are never going to be happy living in the middle of nowhere on a farm and waking up at dawn to feed the animals, don’t date the person whose world revolves around that. Get real with what you want, need and expect out of a relationship. We all have to make compromises, but becoming a totally different person to satisfy someone else is never going to work.

Refer to #2…you’ve got options!

5. Don’t judge

We are all figuring out this crazy, new world of online dating.

Don’t judge yourself for getting it wrong a few times. Learn from the lessons and keep on looking for what is right for you.

Don’t judge other women for doing the same.

And the guy who uses online dating to pretend he’s looking for a relationship with no intention of following through and is going to disappear in 3-6 weeks…well you can judge him a little bit, as you’re blocking his number from your phone.

If you want to learn more about how you can change your mindset and protect yourself from the agony of repetitive online dating while you keep true to yourself and your spark, schedule a free Strategy Call with Jordin to determine what is the next best step for you.

Book here.