Jealousy: Are You Crazy? Or Are Your Needs Not Being Met?

Nov 19, 2021

Let’s talk about jealousy in relationships. Is it normal? Sometimes. Is it healthy? Believe it or not it can be. 

There’s a difference between healthy and unhealthy jealousy. Healthy jealousy can lead to open conversations and better communication, whereas the opposite can lead to distrust and unhappiness. But what causes jealousy? Sometimes the feeling of jealousy is unwarranted and leads you to look deeper into what’s causing those feelings.


What Causes Jealousy?

Jealousy can be triggered by a number of things. Maybe you were betrayed by a previous partner so it’s hard to gain trust with your current one. Perhaps you’ve recently had a baby and you’re not feeling like yourself, the lack of self-confidence can drive feelings of jealousy as well.

Ultimately, when jealousy starts to become a recurring feeling towards your partner, it can be an indicator that your needs aren’t being met in one way or another. Those needs can be sexual, emotional or just general support. 

  • Sexual - If intimacy has been happening less frequently with your partner, you can sometimes feel rejected or undesirable, leading you to start jumping to conclusions. Are they not wanting sex because they’re getting it from someone else? Are they not turned on by me anymore? Is there someone prettier or sexier than me at work?

  • Emotional - Feelings of jealousy can arise when emotional connections are strained in a relationship. When hearing “I love you” becomes less frequent, you may start questioning and asking yourself if your partner is saying that to someone else. 

  • General Support - In a relationship, there is typically always someone who gives more than the other, the person that maintains the house, takes care of the kids or organizes all the plans. Oftentimes all this over-giving leads to feeling unappreciated and resentful of the less-giving partner. If your partner is spending more time outside of the house, leaving you with the household tasks, you may be starting to get pangs of jealousy.

When you dive in deeper and realize that your feelings of jealousy have been triggered by one or all of the above, it’s time to start a conversation with your partner and explain the driving factors behind your jealousy. Oftentimes, opening up the conversation will lead to a better understanding and ultimately, a better relationship. Just remember - transparency is the antidote to jealousy. 


Why Are Women Considered The Crazy Ones?

When we compare jealous boyfriends to jealous girlfriends, we often find the former to be sexy, it’s a positive in the relationship if the man is possessive over a woman (to a certain extent of course). However when it's the woman who’s jealous, she’s seen as unattractive and crazy. 

Why is it that when men are jealous it’s a good characteristic, but when women are it’s a turn-off

Short answer - the patriarchy. Historically, women have been severely undervalued in relationships. They’ve also always been classified as the more emotional gender - highly emotional, dramatic, unstable, crazy. Add jealousy to that gender stereotype and you’ve got a “crazy jealous bitch”. That title is just another example of the many limitations society puts on women and how they’re allowed to react, as well as the double standard that women and men face.

Basically, you’re not crazy, your needs aren’t being met and your jealous feelings are caused because of that. 

The Pleasure Principles

Lack of pleasure, whether that’s sexual pleasure or emotional, is a common factor with jealous partners. With proper self-reflection and tools jealousy can be a pathway to deeper connection in your relationship. In our Pleasure Principles course we help women find their pleasure and communicate it to their partners, creating better, more pleasurable relationships.

For more insights on jealousy and relationships, listen to episode #28 on Apple or Spotify.


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