Sex is not a drive. Sex is a reward system – the better the sex is, the more you want it. The problem is that most women don’t want the sex they’re having.
On this episode of the Pleasure Principles, I have GG and Kasey back on the show for some ‘girl talk’ about the recipe for good sex.
Knowing your body
Any sexual encounter should be about pleasure for everyone involved. And if 70% of women reliably orgasm from clitoral stimulation, wouldn’t this technique achieve more reliable results (than penetration)?
“Any good recipe always starts with the cook,” Kasey shared. “Masturbation and self-pleasure are the 101 of knowing your own body.” The problem is that, even to this day, many religious circles see masturbation as a sin. I was told that if I masturbated, I’d go to hell. What a shame this is, because good sex starts with finding your own pleasure in an intimate relationship with your body.”
Once Kasey began to know her own body better, she brought this back into her relationship. “I rarely have sex without my bullet or vibrator. It makes me want to have the type of sex that men typically want to have, which is penetrative sex.”
Good sex = clear boundaries and connection
In the episode, the three of us try to understand why it’s so hard for women to speak up about what they want in the bedroom. How there’s a common notion that men should know how to please a woman and somehow, it’s offensive or threatening to express what you don’t want. That once you and your partner learn to trust and respect each other’s boundaries and your ‘yes’ and ‘no’, the exploration can start.
“It’s an unsexy recipe, but communication is important. And where it's been happening for us is in the car on a ride somewhere. We talk about it and it's been interesting to see how he reacts in the conversation when not in the pressure of the moment. It's along the lines of ‘that was really fun, maybe we should try this’. Then we can't wait to get home! It builds that excitement for the next time,” Kasey shared.
“To me, good sex is connection, GG added. “It is about feeling comfortable, connected, and surrendered and playful and curious and supported and loved and all those things.”
So, what can men bring to the table?
We discuss that feeling relaxed and safe is so important for women to feel pleasure – and for our partner to react to what we’re feeling in the moment and stay connected.
“I think most of what the man can do for my libido happens outside the bedroom,” Kasey shared. “It's supporting me in my everyday life. It's saying, ‘Hey, I'm going to take the kids so you can get a break. It's taking care of me, cleaning up and helping out with something so I can relax more. And then I like to reciprocate that in the bedroom. In bed, it's that openness, being able to laugh together, Just having those real moments breaks down any falseness or pretence and allows you to be more intimate.”
To find out more about what we discussed, like willingness to be vulnerable, the fluidity of what turns women on and the importance of grounding or connecting afterwards, you need to listen to episode # 18 on Apple. Or on Spotify. If you like what you hear, do us a favour and leave a rating or review.
Sex is support. It’s making up, feeling alive, needing comfort. It’s stress relief. There are so many different roles it can play. But it needs to be good to keep you coming back for more.
If you need community and support as you try out some of these ingredients for good sex, join Kasey and GG and other members of our sisterhood in the Pleasure Collective community.