#339 3 Things High-Achievers With Low Libido Are Craving That’s Blocking Pleasure (Pt3)

This is part 3 of our summer series, and if you missed the first two, go find them before this one. We have been building on something together.

In part 1, we talked about slowness, slowing everything down, in and out of the bedroom.  Check out PART 1 HERE

In part 2, we talked about letting go, that deep desire to hand something over and be held and cared for without everything falling apart, and what gets in the way of that is safety. Safety in ourselves, safety in the relationship, safety that if we let it go, the ball is not going to get dropped. Check out PART 2 HERE

Now we get to talk about the third thing high-achieving women crave in the bedroom. Not a technique. Not a position. Being ravished. Being chosen to receive pleasure that has nothing to do with your output, your achievement, your titles, or your effort. Just because you are.

This is a weird one for me too. I am currently testing my own receiving muscles, and it is not easy. I flip into overgiver performance mode. It is deeply ingrained. I have to be intentional about receiving, just like you.

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What We Have Not Been Taught

When I wrote Pink Canary, I was looking at this through the lens of the individual woman. What does she need to heal, to have great sex, to feel light and energized? What I missed were the environmental and external factors that are invisible to a lot of high achievers, and they were invisible to me too.

There is a study, O'Sullivan and Ronis, that found 95% of men in a community sample reported recently using at least one coercive strategy to get a woman to have sex she did not want or was not consenting to. Asking repeatedly. Using alcohol. Using force. Telling women what they want to hear, which was the most used strategy of all.

I see that last one constantly with my clients. She is overfunctioning, he is underfunctioning, and he promises this time will be different. She reconnects, thinks there is hope, and three months later they are back in the exact same position.

Sexual coercion is a pattern we need to name if we want to be ravished, if we want good sex, because your body knows when you are being coerced even if you do not have the language for it, even if your therapist cannot pick up on it. Your body is smarter. This is part of why we see so many chronic UTIs, endometriosis, vaginal health, and hormone issues that clear up once a woman leaves the relationship.

Most of us have had our yes manufactured. We feel like it is our duty, or it is easier to just do it than deal with the silent treatment after. That is coercion too. We need a free yes and a free no, and undoing that conditioning goes both directions.

What Ravishment Actually Requires

Being ravished is being chosen, being pursued, being wanted, being seen and met in your desire with nothing asked of you in return. You are there just to receive. Your attention goes inward, focused on you and your sensation, and it starts before anyone takes their clothes off, in the planning, in the way he looks at you and takes you in.

There is a difference between being ravished and being used. You know the feeling of being with someone who is physically there but not present, using your body the way they use your invisible labor, to make their life easier. That is the opposite of ravishment. Ravishment is reverence.

The Four Conditions to be Ravished

First, we need a real yes and a real no, one that does not come with punishment later. If saying no gets you the silent treatment or slammed cupboards, that is coercion, and we cannot have good sex or connection while that is happening.

Second, the CEO role is not on you. You are not managing the experience, tracking how your partner feels, or thinking about how you look. Someone else is at the wheel. You are the passenger princess. Your body cannot fully receive if you are trying to top and bottom the encounter at the same time.

Third, there is no agenda other than feeling good. Not so he leaves you alone for a week. Feeling good is the whole agenda, and the moment is specifically for the receiver. You are the whole point.

Fourth, and this might be the most important one for the overgivers and people pleasers reading this, you cannot be ravished by an underfunctioner. If you are acting like his mother or his manager, tracking his appointments, reminding him of what he said he would do, he cannot ravish you. Caregiving puts the brakes on desire.

Your Next Right Step

Let somebody do something for you today. A favor, a compliment, a meal. Notice what your body does. Are you deflecting, minimizing, bracing, already calculating how to repay them? We are not judging, just noticing, and building the muscle to receive.

We were never meant to earn intimacy. Pleasure is our birthright. We were never meant to perform our way into being desired. We are meant to experience it. You spent your whole life earning. Now it is time to be ravished.

If this is landing in your body the way it is landing in mine, come find the rest of this series and everything else I am writing about receiving at Substack THE PLEASURE PATH.

Pleasure is your birthright. You don't have to earn it.

When we let go, when we've created the safety and done the work of believing we're worthy of pleasure, worthy of receiving just because, the bedroom stops being a place where we perform, manage, and endure, and we stop doing it everywhere else too.

You can book a Pleasure Path Assessment; we'll go through this, see exactly where you're stuck, and you'll get a map for the way forward. Book HERE

Or fill out an application for private coaching; there's one spot left in the next two or three months, so don't sleep on it.  APPLY NOW

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