#333 5 Ways to Increase Desire (and Sex Drive) When You Have None

I had a call with a private coaching client the other day, and she had no libido. We've been here before. We worked together for years, and she was back at a point with no desire. One thing I had to impress upon her: you do not need to want sex to start wanting sex. That's the part no one is talking to us high-achieving women about, and it keeps us stuck, and it keeps us having less sex.

Your desire isn't broken, it's buried. When we are running businesses, managing homes, single parenting, managing everyone else's emotions, our nervous system doesn't have the bandwidth for pleasure. Our pleasure centers are turned off. This isn't a willpower problem. This is a biological reality.

Our sexual response has an accelerator, things that turn us on, and brakes, things that suppress it, like not doing what you say you're gonna do. Most women in burnout have the brakes pressed 24/7. We have to identify what the brakes are first.

Here are five ways to increase desire when you have none.

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Remove a Brake Before You Add an Accelerator

Desire cannot come online when we are in survival mode. For most of my clients, the biggest brakes are childcare, an unsupported mental or relational load, and no downtime. Research shows that men have eight more hours of downtime a week than we do. If I had eight extra hours a week to pamper myself, it would be a feral situation.

By creating a structured plan to offload some of the stress, even partially, consistently, we start to shift things. We're not just saying I'll wash the dishes tonight because I want sex. That's manipulation, and her body sees right through it.

Reclaim Alone Time

We need to start with some alone time, not even sex. Going out alone, sitting at a cafe with a coffee, shopping, whatever returns you to yourself as a person. Not as a mother, not as a partner, not as a surgeon or an accountant. This is not a luxury. This is a prerequisite.

When I start working with private clients and ask them what their desires are, they usually want rest, to be alone, and not to be needed. That is how overstimulated they are.

When you've been a full-on CEO in your marriage, or pretzeling yourself, people pleasing, walking on eggshells to not upset a partner who will never take accountability, you've lost access to the part of you that feels and connects. We need to honor that desire. I promise you the turn on will come back.

Use a Fifteen Minute Timer

We do not have to be turned on to begin. If we are a burnt-out, overgiving superwoman with an empty pleasure tank waiting for our turn, we're gonna be waiting forever. We are in our responsive desire state, and that's normal. It shows up after relaxation, after the alone time, after some stimulation, not before.

Set a timer for fifteen minutes. Ask your partner for something, a massage, oral, physical contact, or to read to you. We are setting the boundary up front. This is to turn on my pleasure centers. No expectation of sex, just fifteen minutes of him doing something for you. Most men will be more than willing. And if he throws a tantrum about it, that's not negotiable. If it is, then we have coercion going on. But start. Your desire is in there. It's just buried deep.

Feed Your Brain What It Recognizes as Desire

Erotic fiction, audio erotica, romance novels, shows with good male characters written by women, sexual tension, and yearning. Give me a man written by a woman. Don't pretend you're above the Hallmark movie of it all. It tickles that part of our brain that we were incepted with as children. If our desire has gone quiet, notice what it stirs. Have more of that.

Skin on Skin Contact Without the Expectation of Sex

One of my favorites is naked cuddling or just cuddling, but being held. Skin contact releases oxytocin, a connection hormone, which activates the pleasure centers in your brain. If he tries to poke you with his erection and you don't want it to go any further, you can say down boy, not tonight. If he throws a tantrum or is cold to you, know that his feelings are not your responsibility.

I want to feel close to you. I don't really feel like penetration tonight, but I really want to feel connected. If he gets an erection during this, that is fine. He can take care of that himself. Our job is to identify our needs and clearly ask that they be met.

Desire Cannot Live Where Safety Doesn't

Your job is to fill your own pleasure tank incrementally and consistently. We need to work on our boundaries so we're not overgiving. We need to have a yes. We need to have a no. Please do not wait for spontaneous desire to strike.

We cannot access desire in a relationship where we do not feel safe. Our body is not designed to open into pleasure when we feel like we're under threat.

In coercive control, it often looks like a relationship where we are always blamed, where we're the difficult one, where we can never do anything right, and we have a partner who doesn't take accountability.

Signs you do not have safety,

Can you clearly communicate a yes or a no without being punished? Do you avoid initiating physical contact because you're not sure where it will lead? Are your needs minimized or dismissed?

Safety in ourselves is knowing our own limits, knowing our desires, and being able to name them. It means we don't let people tell us we're crazy, dramatic, or too much. We trust our intuition.

When we've been conditioned to doubt ourselves, our desire goes away. That's not low libido, that's our bodies trying to keep us safe. Desire is not a light switch, not in a long-term relationship. It's a temperature, and we can turn up the heat.

Start small. Remove one brake. Add one thing. Tell your nervous system the truth. You are allowed to want things, and you deserve a relationship and sex that are safe.

If this is speaking to you, head to the show notes and fill out an application to work with me. I will read it personally, and we will get on a call to determine if working with me privately or in a group is the best fit for you.

Connect with Dr. Jordin:

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And if you want to go deeper on super traits, over-functioning, and building a pleasure-centered relationship and life, the Pleasure-Centered Society on Substack is where that work lives. JOIN HERE

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