#330 Why High-Achieving Women Feel Lonely in Their Relationships

Something Is Missing (And It's Not What You Think)

You have the house, the career, the family, and the vacations. You're doing everything right. And yet something is off. You're not as happy as you think you should be, and you can't quite put your finger on why.

This is one of the most common things I hear from the high-achieving, over-giving, people-pleasing women I work with. They're not fulfilled. They feel alone in their relationship. They're anxious, maybe not sleeping great, carrying a lot of resentment, and not really enjoying sex. Even if they're having it, they're having meh orgasms or going through the motions entirely. Checkbox sex. Present in body, completely checked out everywhere else.

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Uncommunicated Desires

You've saved the Instagram posts. You've listened to the podcasts. You get the Gottman Institute emails and promise yourself you'll handle the conflict differently next time. But the same issues persist. The same fights. The same loop. No amount of numbing, avoiding, or filling your calendar makes it go away.

One of the main causes I see is uncommunicated desires. And it shows up in two ways: women either don't know what their desires are or don't communicate them. And when they do communicate them, it comes out in a way that leaves them feeling more alone and more unseen than before.

You Probably Don't Know What You Actually Want

I know that's a bold thing to say to a woman who runs teams, sits on boards, and manages approximately everything. But when I ask a superwoman what she desires in love, sex, and intimacy, the first thing she does is go blank and cry.

This is not your fault. We have seen generations of women self-sacrificing, trained to put their needs second and care for others. Our grandmothers needed to ask our grandfathers for money. The conditioning runs deep, and it hits hardest in the intimate areas of our lives.

The other response I get is goals. She'll say: I want one date per week. I want intimacy twice a month. I want help around the house without being asked. And those aren't desires. Those are checkbox items. What if you get the date night and you fight the whole time? What if you take the vacation and come back more stressed than when you left because it was a letdown?

What we're really desiring in most of these scenarios is connection, passion, eros. We want to feel pleasure. We want to feel that life force energy. We want the full body experience, not just the clitoral need-a-vibrator kind.

It's almost embarrassing for a woman with so much success in other areas to stop and think: I really have no idea what I want in the area of love, sex, and intimacy. But if you did know, you wouldn't be feeling this way.

The Applesauce Story

This past weekend, we had a gastrointestinal bug going through the house. Sick kids, dwindling supplies, and childcare canceled at the last minute on a Sunday. I was thinking ten steps ahead, trying to figure out how to care for a sick toddler at home without also having to go grocery shopping the next day.

Dad did his best, went to give the kids the last of the applesauce, and I snapped. He got defensive. And I realized immediately: I had not communicated my desire. I hadn't said I was drowning. I hadn't said I was trying to plan ahead, so I wouldn't have to go to the store while managing everything else.

The moment I named the desire and the overwhelm I was actually feeling, the crisis was averted, and the connection was restored. Simple example. But it's exactly what plays out in relationships every day, in bigger and quieter ways.

What Works in the Boardroom Won't Work in the Bedroom

You've probably done communication training. You know how to manage people, deliver feedback, and hold a room. And none of that will get you the connection you're craving in your partnership. What it will get you is feeling like the CEO, and your partner feeling like the assistant. You feel like the mother, and your partner feels like the child. These dynamics are not sexy.

When we communicate from the feminine, we return to the experience of partnership. You and me as a team. Tackling the problem together. There are fewer arguments. You feel connected, supported, and cared for. Your partner feels like he's actually meeting your needs. You're asking, he's protecting and providing. Everyone wins.

When conflicts occur, and we can't determine our desires or communicate them effectively, we start to see our partner as the enemy. It becomes you versus me. Accusing, blaming, circling, never actually getting to the root. The expectations, the disappointments, the undelivered communication, the resentment, all of it just gets swept under the rug until the next time someone trips over it.

There is a better way. And it starts with knowing what you actually want, and learning to ask for it in a way that brings you closer instead of pushing you further apart.

That's exactly what we're going to work on together.

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Find Chanie's book This Can't Be Normal: What to Do When Success Starts to Feel Like Survival at https://schoolsofexcellence.com/

Connect with Dr. Jordin:

Two spots remain for summer private coaching. Not a course, not a group program. A series of deep one-on-one sessions where we map out the dynamic you're inside, untangle the over-accountability you've been carrying, and rebuild your life and relationships around pleasure, physiologically and somatically. APPLY NOW

And if you want to go deeper on super traits, over-functioning, and building a pleasure-centered relationship and life, the Pleasure-Centered Society on Substack is where that work lives. JOIN HERE

If you want to understand the specific dynamic you're inside before going deeper, the Pleasure Path Assessment is a private one-on-one deep dive. Book HERE