#221 Mismatched Libidos, Vibrators, and Getting Out of Your Head During Sex

I wanted to give back with a little Q&A and answer some of your most pressing questions. We are covering mismatched libidos, different levels of desire in relationships, the full download on vibrators and why you need them in your life, expanding the definition of sex beyond penis and vagina, the benefits of orgasm, mutual masturbation, and how to get out of your head during sex.

Higher Drive Partner

Question: Help. I am totally the higher drive partner. I feel neglected and undesirable. How do we have a fulfilling sex life when I want sex so much more than my husband?

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First, we need to normalize having mismatched libidos, especially in long-term relationships. People approach sex differently, just like they approach everything else. Desire will ebb and flow throughout our lifetimes through postpartum, health concerns, stress, and life transitions.

What tends to happen is that we get into sticky dynamics where the higher-drive partner feels constantly rejected. If you are a woman in this position, you probably feel broken, wondering what is wrong with you. And sometimes that pressure pushes high-drive women even further into over-functioning mode, trying to eliminate every obstacle so that sex can finally happen. That grip and control do not feel sexy to anyone involved.

On the other hand, the lower-drive partner often feels like they are letting you down. They may be having sex out of obligation, building quiet resentment, or avoiding all forms of intimacy because they are afraid any affection will lead to pressure. They stop cuddling, change in a different room, and decline massages. When that happens, the person craving connection feels even more shut out.

We do not want sex to become a point of contention between partners. Sexually satisfied couples communicate better, fight less, and feel more connected in every area of their relationship.

So let's apply the three pillars of good sex here. Good sex requires pleasure, presence, and connection.

Fulfill your own needs and desires first.

So many women have never been given permission to explore their own turn-ons and turn-offs. When you know what you want on your own, you bring that into partnership and create far more fulfilling encounters for both of you. Your feminine desire, when it is alive and activated, spills over onto your partner in the most magnetic way.

Get clear on what you are truly desiring.

When I work with my clients, what they usually desire is not just sex. It is connection, intimacy, feeling seen and ravished, and the ability to fully let go. Your partner might not be available for penetrative sex right now, but they might be completely willing to sit with you, look into your eyes, and be fully present. Get to the root of what you actually need.

Ask what both of you are available for right now.

Expand your definition beyond penis in vagina as the only destination. What if your partner is happy to hold you while you self-pleasure? What if oral sex is a yes, even when intercourse is not? Asking what both people are genuinely available for opens up a whole new world of intimacy.

Self Pleasure

Question: I have read your book, and you talk a lot about self-pleasure, but I have no idea where to start with sex toys. Help.

We are living in a full-on sex toy revolution. There have never been more toys designed specifically for women's pleasure than there are right now. And yet when I talk to the women in my groups, we are massively underutilizing them. When your pleasure centers are turned off, and your nervous system is in survival mode, researching a new toy feels like one more thing on an impossible list. But staying stuck robs you and your relationship of novelty and growth.

The health benefits of self-pleasure are research-backed and include decreased pain and tension, increased self-esteem, anti-aging effects, better sleep, improved immune function, balanced hormones, and higher relationship satisfaction. If you are still carrying the belief that self-pleasure is cheating, dirty, or wrong, it is time to update that programming.

Now let's talk vibrators. Seventy percent of people with vulvas reliably orgasm with clitoral stimulation. Less than thirty percent of people orgasm from penetration alone. You are not broken. You just need the right kind of touch.

External vibrators stimulate the clitoris and outer vulva. The Magic Wand by Hitachi has been the gold standard since the seventies, but today there are sleeker, quieter options just as powerful. The Dame Eva is a great compact starting point for solo and partnered play.

G-spot vibrators are designed for internal stimulation. The G-spot sits roughly one to one and a half inches inside the vagina toward your belly button. The Dame Arc is a beautiful option here. I go much deeper on the G-spot and squirting inside Pleasure Principles.

Suction vibrators feel like oral sex. If you have not tried one, please do. The We-Vibe Melt combines suction and vibration beautifully. If direct suction feels like too much, the Womanizer Pro 40 uses pulses of air without direct contact, which many women actually prefer.

One important note on habituation. If you are only ever using one vibrator the same way, you will eventually need more intensity to get the same result, and may find it harder to orgasm with a partner. Mix it up. Vary the pace, the pressure, and the toy. Your pleasure is worth more than the fastest and most efficient route.

Get Out of My Head

Question 03: How do I get out of my head during sex? I cannot stop thinking about my to-do list.

Ninety percent of the women I work with say this exact same thing, and the reason is not a character flaw. It is a nervous system issue. We are living in adrenal dysregulation, running in fight, flight, or freeze mode most of the time. When the nervous system is in survival mode, the brain's pleasure centers are essentially turned off. So when you finally lie down to relax, your brain does not just switch gears. It keeps running. Getting present during sex takes intentional preparation, not just willpower.

Set up your environment intentionally.

Think about the best hotel sex you have ever had and ask yourself what was different. The sheets, the lighting, and the absence of the laundry pile remind you of everything undone. Clutter is a libido killer. A space that feels like a sanctuary rather than a second office matters more than most people realize.

Warm yourself up before you get to the bedroom.

Your turn-on is your responsibility, not your partner's. Think of arousal on a scale from zero to ten. If you are bringing a zero, there is an enormous distance to cover. But a bath, some audio erotica, or thirty minutes of quiet can bring you to a four or five before the encounter even begins. Dipsy is my favorite app for audio erotica if you need a starting point.

Soften.

If you want more sensation in an area, consciously soften it. Soften your pelvic floor, your lips when kissing, and your jaw. Softening signals to your nervous system that it is safe to feel, and it almost always goes hand in hand with slowing down.

Ground yourself in your senses in real time. When your mind wanders, cycle through: what can I see, feel, smell, taste, and hear right now? This pulls you back into your body and out of your head, back into the present moment where the connection you are craving actually lives.

Mind-blowing sex does not happen in your head. It happens in your body. The entire practice is learning to come back, again and again, to the sensation right in front of you.

If this resonated with you, Pleasure Principles 1:1 Coaching is designed to help busy women enhance, reignite, and communicate their desires while bringing vitality back to themselves and their relationships.

Want to go deeper:

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1:1 Intimacy & Pleasure Coaching with Dr. Jordin Wiggins

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