#220 The Reason Your Needs and Desires Are Not Being Met (Hint: You're Not too Needy)

If you are honest, I mean radically honest with yourself, are your needs being met? My needs are just the basics. They are like the bones, they are like the foundation of our house. But what about your desires? When was the last time you felt fulfilled, had amazing sex that you thought about for days, or felt like you could relax, like everything would be taken care of, and you did not have to manage anything?

I see this every day. Superwomen forget what is possible in their intimate relationships with themselves. They dream so big when it comes to their career or their families, but it is like they turn off their desires, their intuition, and their dreams when it comes to sex, love, and intimacy.

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I used to ask women in my practice, what do you desire. Two things would happen. They would go blank and stare at me like they would not be able to answer, or they would cry because they knew how lost they actually were. It is not that you lack desires. It is that you do not know what you are allowed to need or want. You have not been given permission to desire, especially when it comes to intimacy. What turns you on, how you like to be touched, how you like to be spoken to, and how you like to have sex initiated. We actually have no clue.

When we are overfunctioning people-pleasers, the desire part of our brain does not function. We are in survival mode, crossing items off our to-do list. When we try to think about what we desire or what would bring us pleasure, our brain short-circuits.

We are cut off from our desires

We have desires at work or in other areas of our lives, and really, are they desires? When I start working with women, they are usually goals. Goals for the next quarter include the promotion, the house we want to build, and the trip we want to take. Where we struggle is with big desires, the ones that are scary to say out loud, the ones that we do not know, even by wanting them, if we will get them, or how it will happen.

We cannot have intimacy with others if we do not have intimacy with ourselves, with what we want, and with what will actually make us happy. This is when we end up in relationships where two people function well together, but they are not lovers anymore. Instead of asking for what we actually need, we ask for smaller, safer versions. Instead of saying, " Can you take over meals, the planning, the grocery shopping, the prepping, the cooking, and the cleaning, we say, " Can you make meals one night a week. We stifle our desire and our true need. When it comes to sex, we might not even know what we desire, and we default to what our partner wants and likes.

We are in our heads, not our bodies

We are not the greatest at feeling. We are good at thinking about our feelings or ignoring them altogether. We spend a lot of time in our heads, planning and thinking ten steps ahead for everybody. This shows up in numbing behaviors like overworking, constant busyness, shopping, food, alcohol, or even staying stuck in self-help.

Living in our heads disconnects us from our bodies, and this is where intimacy and pleasure actually live. It makes sex feel flat, effortful, or nonexistent. It also makes us more prone to toxic and emotionally abusive relationships because we are not tuned into what we feel; we are managing what we think.

Our beliefs set us up to fail

We carry this lone wolf belief. Our superwoman cape is on. I can do it by myself. I do not need anyone. You have achieved a lot in your life, but you do not have much pleasure to show for it.

When we shrink our desires, deny them, or settle for crumbs, we either shut down or become insatiable. Nothing feels like enough. We do everything for everyone else and then wonder why no one is meeting us. This creates the overfunctioner and underfunctioner dynamic, where you are the one holding everything together, financially, emotionally, and logistically, while also managing the invisible workload and picking up the slack.

Over time, you start to question yourself. Why can I not just be happy? Why does this look so easy for other people? Am I asking for too much?

You are not.

If your needs and your desires are not being met, the relationship is toxic. Your body knows it. Your nervous system knows it. But because everything looks good on the outside, you blame yourself. You try harder. You read more, listen more, and stay stuck in self-help loops that never actually fix the problem.

If you are in survival mode, your pleasure centers are turned off. You are not in touch with your desires, and you are not in your power.

And that is the work.

When you reconnect to your desires, when you get back into your body, and when you shift these patterns, things change. In most cases, the relationship changes with you. This is deep desire work, self-intimacy, validating your own wants and needs, healing your body so you can receive pleasure, and learning how to ask for what you need and actually receive it.

Be honest with yourself. Are your needs being met, and are your desires even in the room anymore?

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