#213 What Actually Improves Your Sex Drive When You’re a High-Achiever

The Difference Between Being Good at Sex and Being Met

I am not in alignment today. I am recording late. Overscheduled myself and didn’t hold boundaries. I am relying on a chocolate peanut butter brownie and caffeine to get this done. And one of the things I love about working with superwomen is that we know how to get shit done. When it is required, we dig deep, make the impossible happen, and rely on our super traits to carry us through.

But when women know only how to relate to life through survival, those super traits become their identity. They are hardworking. They are loyal. They are independent. And if they don’t have those things, then what? This is why these transitions are so difficult to make. Doing it without the correct support takes longer, costs more, and costs you your health, your relationships, and your joy along the way.

Why does desire shut down for women with super traits

Some women want better sex and a deeper connection and cannot figure out why it feels so hard. Others say they don’t care about sex anymore, when what they really mean is I don’t feel met. I don’t feel safe enough to erotically open. My sexual energy has stagnated.

Desire didn’t disappear. Effort replaced it. Super traits replaced presence. Effort crowded out sensation. Performance crowded out receptivity.

Women with super traits are good at everything else. Careers. Parenting. Emotional intelligence. What they are not great at is sex, intimacy, and vulnerability. Being good at one side of sex, the g” I have been trying too hard.

Sex is not a drive. It is a reward system. When pleasure centers are off and receiving muscles are off, even when someone is trying to give to you, your body cannot receive.

Performance-based sex versus pleasure-centered sex

Performance-based sex is outcome-focused. It is about being good, easy, and desirable. It has checkbox energy. Clients describe it as trying to get through sex without creating a problem or making sure he is okay.

Pleasure-centered sex is about attention, presence, and being met in real time. This is the shift my pleasure-centered relationship clients make when sex stops feeling like a task and starts feeling like an exchange.

Presence is not a mindset. It is a nervous system state. Presence means your body feels safe enough to stay rather than to monitor. Your breath deepens. Your pelvic floor softens. Your attention moves inward instead of outward.

Super traits train women out of presence. They reward vigilance, reading the room, and anticipating needs. None of that allows the nervous system to drop.

How super traits turn sex into emotional labor

Managing sex looks like monitoring his experience, trying to be good, smoothing emotional edges, and not saying what would make you feel good. Women say things like I don’t want to rock the boat or it is easier to just get through it.

If you are doing the emotional repair work of the relationship with your body, there is a problem. And if what I am saying feels uncomfortably accurate, I want you at my live workshop on February 5th, or grab the Replay HERE. We cover the three most common ways high-achieving women with super traits erode intimacy and the three shifts required to restore desire.

Being good at sex versus being properly f*cked

Sex is an exchange of energy. Giving and receiving. Done well, not at the same time. Being good at sex has more to do with attention than technique. People remember how you made their body feel.

Being a good giver means listening with your body, slowing time, and responding to what is actually happening. Where is the warmth? Where does the body want to linger? What changes when you stop trying to impress?

Receiving is where women with super traits struggle the most. Receiving requires safety and surrender without management. Receiving without caretaking feels unsafe. Being properly f*cked requires a level of receiving that women with super traits were never trained to tolerate.

Receiving is power when it is chosen and embodied, not when it is earned.

The shifts that restore desire

Hypervigilance turns pleasure centers off. Monitoring keeps the nervous system on. When the system is on, arousal is inhibited. Touch feels less pleasurable. Orgasms are not as good. There is nothing wrong with you. Your body has been protecting you.

If communication, therapy, hormones, or trying harder were going to solve this, they would have by now. What is missing is not effort. It is a receiving framework built for women like you.

If you want personalized clarity, you can apply to work with me privately. 

You will never have to sacrifice pleasure for partnership when you go from being a high-achiever to a receiver.

If you do not know your super traits yet, take the Super Trait Quiz to understand exactly how this is showing up for you.

This work is being taught live and for FREE in a MASTERCLASS, Why Smart & Successful Women Lose Themselves In Relationships (And why over-functioning and fixing desire never works), on February 5th at 12 PM Eastern and 9 AM Pacific. Register for the free masterclass.

If you are ready for personalized support and do not want to keep analyzing this on your own, APPLY HERE for private coaching.

1:1 Intimacy & Pleasure Coaching with Dr. Jordin Wiggins

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