#212 Why Loss of Desire Is Not About Libido at All

You do not lose desire. There is really no such thing.

For women with super traits, desire does not disappear. It goes offline when you override yourself one too many times, and your body adapts because it knows it is not safe.

We like to think desire fades slowly. That it is stress. Hormones. Perimenopause. Being busy. Having too much on your plate. That is the general public opinion. In my clinical and coaching work, I see the opposite. Desire shuts down at very specific moments, but you are trained not to see them.

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Women with super traits do not lose desire

You do not lose desire or connection. You override yourself. You override yourself one too many times, and your body adapts. It knows it is not safe.

If you are the fixer, the anchor, the emotional glue, the person people go to when everything falls apart, those are not flaws. Those are super traits. The qualities that make you capable, reliable, and successful.

Most women I work with are not lacking awareness. They have done therapy. Read the books. They understand attachment styles, communication frameworks, and love languages. They can quote Esther Perel. They can quote the Gottmans. They have had the conversations.

And yet their bodies are still tense. They are tired. Inflamed. Disconnected. Sexually flat. Confused because they have tried everything, and nothing has changed how they actually feel.

Insight alone does not rewire the nervous system. Safety does.

Desire shuts down in specific moments

Desire does not shut down because you do not want connection. It shuts down because connection costs too much.

When self-erasing is required for connection, the body does the most intelligent thing it can do. It downregulates to conserve energy and stay safe.

Your body is not reacting to the moment you are in. It is reacting to what it expects to happen next.

For women with super traits, this usually happens in inequitable dynamics where you are the over-functioner paired with an under-functioner. Over time, your nervous system learns that wanting more creates more work, not more intimacy. That honesty comes with a price. That expressing needs equals instability.

So desire becomes inefficient, and the body goes offline. This is not sabotage. This is adaptation.

This is not a libido problem

This is not a hormone problem. This is not about aging. This is not because you are broken or doing something wrong.

This is a self-override problem.

Each time you override yourself, you send your body a signal. Do not ask. It is not safe. Do not want. It is not safe. Do not express your truth. It will cost you.

Desire moves. When the body stops moving, stagnation sets in. Flatness. Numbness. Maintenance sex. Or avoidance that is not about aversion, but about exhaustion.

If effort worked, you would already be fulfilled.

The patterns women with super traits experience

I see the same patterns over and over. Desire without arousal. You want connection, but your body is neutral or numb.

Sex as regulation. You initiate sex to feel close, but the connection drops afterward.

Avoidance without aversion. You are not repulsed by sex. You just do not want the effort or the emotional labor.

Nothing is wrong, but everything feels flat. The relationship looks functional, but there is no spark, no aliveness, no deep connection.

These are not failures. These are nervous system adaptations.

What actually restores desire

Desire needs permission to want without earning and without managing consequences. Desire needs the capacity to tolerate sensation and disappointment without collapsing. Desire needs to be met. Not chemistry. Not intensity. Mutual responsiveness in the moment.

This is what most sex and relationship advice misses when it comes to women with super traits.

Your next steps

The Super Trait Quiz takes 3 minutes and identifies the exact traits driving your communication, intimacy, and connection patterns.

This work is being taught live and for free in a MASTERCLASS, Why Smart & Successful Women Lose Themselves In Relationships (And why over-functioning and fixing desire never works), on February 5th at 12 PM Eastern and 9 AM Pacific. Register for the free masterclass if you are ready to go deeper and understand the exact moments desire shuts down and how to reverse it.

If you do not want to keep analyzing this on your own and would like personalized support, apply for PRIVATE COACHING. This work is customized based on your super traits and the exact moments when you override yourself.

Desire did not leave you.
It learned you would not listen.

Decode the emotional and erotic patterns keeping you in over-functioning, shutdown, and inconsistent connection. The Super Trait Audit™ CLICK HERE

 Connect with Dr. Jordin on INSTAGRAM HERE @drjordinwiggins

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Take the FREE SUPER TRAITS QUIZ HERE