#194 Why Super Traits Keep High-Achieving Women Lonely and Stuck in Relationships

High-achieving women are praised for their empathy, loyalty, and hard work, but these same super traits often become survival strategies that leave them exhausted, lonely, and stuck in relationships. The very qualities that help women succeed in their careers, families, and communities are the ones that quietly drain their desire, connection, and pleasure.

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For nearly two decades, I have worked with women in every stage of rebuilding after infidelity, after discovering a partner’s alcoholism, during cancer treatment, through autoimmune recovery, during divorce, and even after selling or closing businesses. The circumstances change, but the pattern stays the same. Women with super traits give more than they get. They overfunction, carry the invisible workload, excuse harmful behavior, and think 20 steps ahead for everyone else. Over time, this imbalance destroys intimacy, leaves them unfulfilled, and convinces them that they are the problem when the real issue is their conditioning.

The Problem Beneath the Surface

In the early years of my career, I thought the issue was inadequate healthcare for women. It was true that most medical research was done on men and that women’s health conditions like PCOS, endometriosis, and autoimmune disease were underdiagnosed. I thought better testing and treatment would change everything. Later, I thought the missing piece was pleasure, helping women rewire their brains to receive more joy and intimacy.

Pleasure is powerful. It heals. But pleasure alone does not solve the problem. When we put the focus on women to have more pleasure, especially women with super traits, it becomes another form of blame. Just like when doctors tell us our bloodwork is fine and suggest we rest or drink wine, just like when therapists label us codependent people pleasers or ask us to communicate better. It all puts the responsibility back on women for a problem they did not create.

What Are Super Traits

Super traits are normal personality traits amplified to the extreme. High empathy, loyalty, tolerance, responsibility, perseverance, hard work, and forgiveness are not flaws. They are strengths. But they become survival strategies that help us succeed in the boardroom while leaving us depleted in the bedroom.

Sandra Brown, who researched this work, describes super traits as amplified strengths that become over-functioning strategies. Women with super traits excuse harmful behavior, overlook red flags, and take too much responsibility for relationships. They stay longer than others would in harmful dynamics. They forgive when their needs are not being met. They keep giving even when their tanks are empty.

The result is what one of my teachers called “death in slow motion.” Women with super traits end up exhausted, resentful, and lonely in their relationships. And loneliness is not just an emotional issue; research shows it is the equivalent of smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

What Super Traits Look Like in Real Life

I worked with a client who thought she had a low libido. She had tried hormones, supplements, sex therapy, and online programs. Nothing worked. When we unpacked her story, the issue was not her desire. It was her husband’s drinking and her super traits. She carried the emotional labor, made excuses for him, picked up the slack with the kids, and forgave over and over.

She believed she was the problem, but her body and nervous system knew better. Once she understood her super traits and stopped overfunctioning, her husband got help, became sober, and their intimacy returned.

Another client tied her 12-year-old son’s shoes every morning. He didn’t like doing it, so she kept doing it for him. She even bought shoes that were easier for him to put on. It seemed small, but it was the perfect example of overfunctioning. Her super traits told her to keep helping, to fix things for him, but it left her exhausted and resentful. Once she understood her super traits, she had the tools to stop overgiving and create healthier boundaries.

I also had a client running a growing investment firm. She was furious when an employee wore a suit with tennis shoes to the office. There was no formal dress code, but her super traits expected everyone to see what she saw, anticipate what was needed, and perform at her level. Without realizing it, she was projecting her survival strategies onto others.

These examples show how super traits do not only show up in romantic partnerships. They affect friendships, parenting, and work relationships.

Why Therapy and Self-Help Miss the Mark

Without understanding super traits, women waste years in therapy blaming their hormones, childhood, communication style, or attachment wounds. Therapists assume equal tolerance, equal forgiveness, equal responsibility. But women with super traits are already giving too much. Healthcare and self-help industries miss this. Even the smartest women miss it. I missed it for years.

That is why understanding super traits is essential to reclaiming pleasure, intimacy, and connection. Without it, women with super traits will keep repeating the same painful patterns, accepting crumbs, and pretending they are full.

What to Do Next

Your super traits are not flaws. They are survival strategies that helped you succeed, but they are not a recipe for intimacy. To break free from exhaustion and loneliness, the first step is awareness.

Take the free Super Trait Quiz through the link in the show notes. In just a few minutes, you will discover the number one high-achieving quality that helped you succeed but now blocks your ability to receive rest, love, and connection. You will also receive a powerful email sequence that connects the dots you have been trying to piece together for years.

And join me live on October 2 for the FREE Super Traits Masterclass (JOIN HERE). You will learn why effort, empathy, and patience have not brought the intimacy you crave and the first step to building a relationship that feels mutual, alive, and sustainable.

Take the Super Traits Quiz HERE to discover your top traits and how they are shaping your relationships. 

You don’t need to leave to start healing, but you do need a new map. Claim your spot inside the Creating Pleasure-Centred Relationships for Women with Super Traits Group and start building the pleasure-centered relationship you deserve. Join us in the Pleasure Principles™ Group Program with Dr. Jordin Wiggins ND HERE  Let's start rebuilding Safety, Desire & Intimacy. BEGINS OCTOBER 15, 2025

Take the FREE Super Trait QUIZ to discover the hidden traits keeping you stuck in relationship dynamics that drain your desire.

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