#188 Is He a Great Partner or Just Really Good at Control? The Good Guy Gaslighter

After more than a decade helping thousands of brilliant women reclaim their intimacy, there’s one thing I’ve learned to look for every single time. It’s not how much sex you’re having. It’s not how many years you’ve been married. It’s this one sentence.

“He’s a really good guy.”

And when I hear it, my body tenses. Because I know what’s likely coming next.

“He’s a great dad. He brings me coffee. He folds the laundry. He listens to podcasts.”

But when you peel back the layers, you’re lonely. Touched out. Tired. Emotionally starving. Disconnected from your body. Telling yourself it must be your fault. That if you were softer, sweeter, more grateful, maybe you’d finally feel seen.

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What Your Body Knows Before Your Brain Does

Your nervous system already knows. Your pussy already knows. Your desire knows. That’s why the sex feels like a performance. Why do you cry after trying to connect? Why your hormones are crashing and you’re craving anything that will bring you back online.

You’ve been gaslit into thinking the issue is your tone. Your delivery. Your expectations. You’ve been told you’re too emotional. Too much. Your requests are often deemed unreasonable or not timely, and when you do communicate, it gets flipped back on you. He’s overwhelmed. He’s tired. He’s trying.

You’re trying too. And you’re tired of being the only one.

The Power Dynamic You’ve Been Taught Not to See

This is the good guy gaslighter. And the reason it’s so damaging is that it’s invisible. There are no screaming matches. There’s no cheating you know of. He’s not hitting you. But he’s making you doubt yourself. Your feelings. Your needs. Your entire version of reality.

You think if you work harder at intimacy, it’ll get better. You’ll be met. You’ll feel the connection you’re craving. But you’re just performing. Performing closeness. Performing sex. Performing gratitude.

And deep down, your body is keeping the score. It’s shutting down. You’re bracing for impact. Your libido disappears. You numb with wine or work. You count down to Monday because being at work feels better than being at home.

DARVO, Tone Policing, and Subtle Control

He might follow therapists on Instagram. He might attend therapy if you’ve cried enough times to get him there. But when you bring something up, he says “That’s not what I meant.” “I never said that.” “Why are you being so reactive?” “Can you just say it in a nicer way?”

That’s tone policing. That’s DARVO. Deny. Attack. Reverse Victim and Offender. And when it happens over and over again, you shrink. You question yourself. You stop asking.

You start managing his emotions instead of your own. You take on his needs as your full-time job. And yours? They vanish.

Super Traits That Make You Vulnerable

You are smart. Capable. Loyal. Driven. Empathic. You are a woman with super traits. Sandra Brown coined the term. These are the traits that help you build empires. Keep families running. Launch businesses. Be the one that everyone relies on.

But these very traits are what make you the perfect partner for a good guy gaslighter. You explain away the disconnection. You give the benefit of the doubt. You hold space. You regulate. You sacrifice. You hope. You try.

And it’s killing you.

He’s Kind, So Why Do You Feel So Alone?

He tells you he loves you. He praises your strength. He says he’s in awe of all you carry. But when you finally say, “I need more,” suddenly you’re too sensitive. Too demanding. He’s too tired. Too busy. Or he does what you ask but it feels hollow. Like a checkbox, not a choice.

Sometimes he even punishes you emotionally. He pulls away. He avoids eye contact. He doesn’t follow through on the one thing you asked. And you wonder what you did wrong.

This is covert control. It’s the kind of emotional abuse that even therapists miss. That you miss. Because it doesn’t look like what we’ve been taught abuse looks like.

Intimacy Isn’t Broken. It’s Misaligned.

This isn’t about hormones. It’s not about libido. It’s not even about sex. It’s about being met. It’s about your nervous system feeling safe enough to open, to connect, to surrender.

Pleasure travels head, heart, womb, pussy.

If you’re disconnected from the top, nothing is going to flow through. And you’re not broken. You don’t need to tone it down. You don’t need another book or podcast. You need language. You need to name what’s happening so you can reclaim your power.

Stop Performing Intimacy. Start Returning to Pleasure.

You don’t need to manage your tone better. You need a relationship where you don’t have to beg for the basics. You don’t need to shrink your asks or lower your expectations. You need emotional safety. Nervous system safety. A relationship built on equity, not silent compliance.

If this is resonating, if you’re cracked open and angry all at once, start with the Pleasure Path Assessment. Learn your super traits. See your shutdown style. Get the tools to stop abandoning yourself.

You are not too much. You are not broken.
You’re playing a game you were never meant to win.

Now it’s time to opt out.

Your pleasure was never the problem.
You were never the problem.
Trust your body.
Trust your pussy.
She knows.

Grab your live Pleasure Path Assessment and get the answers you've been looking for.  [Grab your spot here.]

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