#183 Why Successful Women End Up in Sexless Marriages & What to Do About It

It’s Not Your Libido. It is Burnout.

The high-achieving women that I work with usually fall into two groups. Either they have low desire and have checked out because intimacy feels like a task, a performance, or a source of resentment. Or they have high desire and feel confused because sex is the only time they feel close. But they’re not emotionally supported any other way. Then they’re blamed for wanting too much.

LISTEN ON APPLE | LISTEN ON SPOTIFY | LISTEN ON AMAZON MUSIC  

Grab your live Pleasure Path Assessment and get the answers you've been looking for.

 [Grab your spot here.]

And no matter which camp you're in, you’re trapped. You’re unseen unless someone knows exactly what to look for. I missed this in the first five years of my own career. I thought it was hormones. I thought it was low libido. But what I see now is so much deeper.

Get to Know the Superwoman

I just had a call with a client. She’s a partner at an investment firm, a mother of two. Her sex life is vacation-only. Not because she doesn’t like sex, but because she never wants it. She’s exhausted. She feels over-touched by the kids. The idea of one more person needing her is suffocating.

When I asked her what she desires, she said to be alone. To let it all go. To not be needed. To rest. But she’s blaming and shaming herself for not wanting sex. She even asked me if maybe she’s asexual.

What she doesn’t see yet is how smart her body is. Her nervous system, her pussy, her whole being is protecting her. She’s been the strong one for so long. And when she’s undone or emotional, she doesn’t feel lovable. Add in a husband who drinks too much and is a little emotionally volatile, and it’s no wonder her body says no.

On the surface, it looks like low libido. But it’s actually a protective withdrawal. A body refusing to perform when the relationship doesn’t feel safe, when she’s carrying too much, when she’s never met emotionally.

The Traits That Make You Amazing at Work Are Hurting Your Intimacy

Empathy. Loyalty. High responsibility. Flexibility. These are your super traits. They make you incredible at what you do. But they also mean your energy is always going out.

I think about all the little things I do for my daughter. She’s four. I stack her dishes in color order from favorite to least favorite because I know it makes her happy. That’s love. But it’s also energy out. Focus out. And it means less energy left for my body, my pleasure, my desires.

Now stretch that across your whole life. Doing that for your kids. Your partner. Your team at work. Your parents. Always giving. Always anticipating. Never receiving.

We’re not broken. We’re over-functioning. And it’s killing our pleasure.

The Data Doesn’t Lie

Single childless women are the happiest, healthiest, and they live the longest. Married men live longer than single men. Married women don’t. That truth might piss you off, but it will also set you free.

I’m not saying leave your relationship. I’m saying let’s look at this honestly. Because what we’ve been taught about desire, about libido, about what creates intimacy isn’t working. And that’s why you’re still stuck.

The Female Breadwinner

She’s the primary breadwinner. They work together. They parent well. Household tasks are shared. They’ve done therapy. It helped. But she says she could go the rest of her life without sex. She’s just not attracted to him that way anymore.

Again, surface-level low desire. But underneath, she’s holding everything. And when he comes looking for sex at the end of a long day, she doesn’t have it in her. He calls her critical. She’s checked out.

She doesn’t trust that if she softens, he’ll step up. That if she breaks down, he’ll hold her. She believes if she doesn’t do it, no one will. And you can’t want sex when your body doesn’t feel safe to let go.

This Isn’t a Communication Problem

You can do all the therapy in the world, but if the power dynamics don’t shift, if the emotional labor isn’t seen, nothing changes. Women who over-function in their relationships to keep them stable will always end up with shut-down desire.

This is nervous system work. It’s learning how to hold yourself, so if you do open and they don’t meet you, you’ve still got you.

And when you learn how to receive, how to stop penetrating your own life with doing and fixing, your nervous system can finally relax. And that’s where turn-on lives.

What Really Kills Desire

Not mismatched libidos. Not stress. Not lack of date nights. But this.

Minimizing, denying, and blaming when you bring up your needs.

Emotional neglect and stonewalling when you try to connect.

Being told you should feel lucky because he’s a “good guy” while still feeling deeply unseen and untouched.

These are the quiet killers of intimacy. The patterns that play out in relationships that look fine from the outside but feel dead inside.

High Desire or Low Desire, You're Doing the Same Thing

High-desire partners reach for sex to find connection. It provides temporary relief, but in the long term, it leaves you feeling emptier. It’s junk food intimacy. Low desire partners shut down completely. Not because they don’t care. But because they’re done performing. Done giving.

You don’t want it. Or you want it too much. Either way, you are to blame.

But what’s really happening is your body is wise. It knows that intimacy without emotional safety is a threat.

This Is the Work

This is the real work of pleasure. Rewiring your nervous system. Naming your super traits and understanding your erotic shutdown style and rebuilding trust with your body.

I want you to stop trying to fix a fundamentally unequal dynamic. I want you to stop performing in relationships where your needs are invisible.

If you’ve tried the books, the therapy, the podcasts, the hormone panels and nothing has worked, you are not the problem.

This system was never designed to feed your feminine fullness. It teaches you to earn love through emotional labor. Through over-functioning.

But it’s time to flip the script. To turn your pleasure centers back on. To know what you want. To ask for it. And to trust that you get to be full.

Ready to Use Your Superwoman Powers for Pleasure

Grab your Pleasure Path Assessment here. This isn’t just a quiz. It’s a tool to finally understand the hidden dynamics of desire, shutdown, resentment, and disconnection. You'll discover your super traits, your erotic shutdown style, and where you are on the Pleasure Path.

And if you’re ready to take action now, there are two spots left in my 12-week Pleasure Principles group program. You’ll rebuild trust with your body, reconnect with desire, and rewire the patterns keeping you stuck.

You’ve done it all. You’ve achieved the career, the family, and the self-work. Now it’s time to receive the pleasure you’ve always deserved.