#182 The Hidden Link Between Stress, Painful Sex & Your Pelvic Floor From A Pelvic Floor Specialist

“Sorry, I didn’t shave.”   “Sorry, I brought my baby.”   “Sorry, I’m crying.”

Women apologize before pelvic exams, as if it’s expected. And what they’re really saying is this. I’m sorry for how I look. I’m sorry for taking up space. I’m sorry for needing care.

But no one ever taught them what is actually normal. Most women have never seen another vulva. Not in real life. Not outside of porn. And porn taught us that there’s one right way to look. Smooth, pink, symmetrical, tucked in, no hair, no pigment variation, nothing visible. Just a clean, edited, surgically modified version of something that has nothing to do with reality.

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Aliya of Box Wellness Co. is a pelvic floor physiotherapist based in Toronto. She has seen hundreds of vulvas. Some are bare. Some are fully covered in hair. Some have labia that are longer on one side. Some are lighter in color, some are darker. Some individuals may have scarring, stretch marks, or skin that changes in response to hormonal fluctuations. She has never seen two that are the same. And every single one is normal.

The problem is, when women have only seen porn or medical illustrations, they assume they are the problem. They assume something is wrong. And some of them take that shame to the extreme. They sign up for surgery. Labiaplasty. Bleaching. Tightening. All to fit an aesthetic that was never real in the first place. Many are left with nerve damage. Some lose sensation. Some experience pain they never had before. And all of it stems from shame that was never theirs to carry.

Your Pelvic Floor Is Where the Stress Lives

It doesn’t stop with appearance. It shows up in function. It shows up in how the body holds stress, and most women have never been taught that the pelvic floor is often the place where it all settles.

We talk about jaw clenching. Mouth guards. TMJ. Headaches. That’s familiar. But no one talks about pelvic floor clenching. And yet the muscles that support your pelvis, bladder, bowel, and vaginal canal react the same way.

The pelvic floor is made of muscles. But it’s also connected to your nervous system. So when you’re anxious, overwhelmed, holding back tears, grinding through your to-do list, your body doesn’t just think those things. It feels them. It tucks them into your hips. Your lower belly. Your vagina. Your pelvic floor takes it all in and holds tight.

You might start noticing that you always feel like you have to pee, but it takes a while for the stream to start. You might feel urgency without volume. You might leak when you laugh or run. You might feel like you didn’t quite empty your bowels. You might feel a heaviness or pressure in your pelvis that you can’t name. You might think this is just a normal part of aging or postpartum. But it’s not. It’s a body that is stuck in a stress response.

Sex Shouldn’t Hurt and You Shouldn’t Have to Tolerate It

One of the clearest ways this shows up is through painful sex. And yet most women have been conditioned to push through. To assume it’s their fault. To believe their body is broken. To feel like they owe their partner something, they can barely tolerate.

But you can’t open when your body is bracing. Penetration will never feel safe if your pelvic floor is tight. And every time you force yourself through it, your body learns to expect pain. The anticipation builds. The nervous system reacts. You hold your breath. You clench without meaning to. And the experience only confirms the fear.

Pleasure does not live in pressure. The body does not respond to shame with softness. And there is nothing empowering about pushing past your boundaries to keep the peace.

If sex has become painful, that is not something you need to fix with more sex. It is something to pause for. To explore. To rewire. To reconnect slowly. Some of the most powerful healing begins with removing penetration from the menu and exploring what your body likes on its own terms.

Self-pleasure is not a selfish act. It is a pathway back to trust. If you don’t know what feels good, how can you ever ask for it? If you don’t feel safe alone, how can you feel safe with someone else?

Your Body Is Not Overreacting. It’s Protecting You.

You may not realize you are clenching. You may not think of your stress as physical. You may be showing up every day and doing what needs to be done. But if your hips are tight, if your orgasms feel more like cramping than release, if you’ve lost interest in sex, if your digestion is unpredictable, if you leak when you laugh, your body is not overreacting. It is adapting.

Aliya explains that most women will experience some form of pelvic floor dysfunction in their lifetime. That doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means this part of your body deserves attention.

We visit the dentist for regular checkups. We take our cars in for service. But we often wait until something is unbearable before seeking support for our pelvic floor. And we don’t have to.

Pelvic floor therapy isn’t just for postpartum recovery. It’s for pain. For pressure. For peeing and pooping. For sex. For sensation. For pleasure. For trust.

You don’t have to wait until something is wrong. You are allowed to want more than just being functional. You are allowed to feel good.

You Don’t Have to Apologize for Your Body Ever Again

This is about more than pelvic muscles. This is about reclaiming the parts of yourself you were told to be ashamed of. This is about releasing what you were told to hide. This is about letting your body speak and listening to what it has been trying to say for years.

You don’t need to look a certain way. You don’t need to tolerate pain. You don’t need to hold it all in.

You don’t have to earn softness. You already deserve it.

Let this be the moment you stop apologizing and start coming home to yourself. Your body has never been the problem. It has always been telling the truth.

If you are ready to hear it, now is the time.

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Connect with Aliya

Check out the Pelvic Floor Basics with Aliya HERE

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