#179 Why You’re Not Initiating Anymore (And It’s Not Low Libido, Hormones or Feminine Energy)

I get a DM from a man at least once a week. How do I get my wife to initiate sex? How do I get my wife to want sex again? And every time I think to myself, are you really ready to hear the answer?

Because what turns women on, especially in long-term relationships, is not lingerie. It is not a sex technique. It is not poking her with your erection at the end of a long day. It has more to do with how you show up outside of the bedroom.

I respond bluntly. Make sex worth having.

Learn about sex from women, not from men. Do not be a man baby outside the bedroom.

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When desire disappears, it’s not about sex

Having the revelation that sex takes work, that equitable participation in household labor and emotional intelligence matter, can be shattering for some men. Thankfully, it is not the men in my world. The ones I work with want to make things better for their partners. But I still think to myself, no wonder your wife does not want to have sex with you.

The real question is not about initiation

Here’s the question this time.

Hello. I was hoping for some advice on how to get my wife to initiate sex. She stopped initiating about two years ago, and now we have a one-year-old. I do all the initiating, and when we do have sex, it is usually really good. I always focus on her pleasure with foreplay, going down on her, and also toys for her. I get her to orgasm usually every time, and she tells me how great it feels during. Then weeks go by until the next time.

First of all, thank you. Thank you for caring about her pleasure. For asking the question and making space for this conversation.

But this is not about “how do I get her to initiate more.” That is not the real question. The real question is, why did she stop wanting to? Did she ever want to?

Motherhood changes everything, including desire

Desire doesn’t just disappear. It gets buried. It gets ignored. Especially in long-term relationships. Especially for mothers.

You mentioned you have a one-year-old. Nothing prepares you for motherhood. Women are gaslit about the experience of becoming a mother. The physical, emotional, and mental changes. As a man, you will never fully grasp what that transformation is like.

She is not the same person. Her body is not the same. Her hormones are not the same. Her identity is not the same.

And if she is breastfeeding, yes, hormones are shifting. I was drier. It was harder to orgasm. But nothing a little lube and a masterful man couldn’t fix. So we are not using breastfeeding as an excuse, but it might be a factor.

Most likely, she is doing most of the emotional labor, caretaking, and household planning. In those early years, a lot of the parenting falls on the mother because of how we are conditioned.

That changes her nervous system’s availability for pleasure.

Most women don’t have a spontaneous desire.

Most women have responsive desire. Which means we do not walk around wanting sex the way men do. It is not spontaneous. It is contextual. It is like warming up the pot on the stove, and if the pot is empty, it cannot get warm.

From your description, it sounds like she does have responsive desire. She is into it once it starts. But her brain needs to get there first.

Invisible labor kills turn on.

Ask yourself, how much are you consistently taking off her plate? Not just the physical tasks, but the invisible labor. The decision-making. The planning. The things she does that no one thanks her for.

When she walks into a clean room, not because she had to beg, but because it has just been handled, she relaxes. Her nervous system can exhale. That is foreplay.

It’s not a libido problem, it’s a power problem

When desire drops, it is not a libido problem. It is a connection problem. It is a nervous system problem. It is a resentment problem. It is a power dynamic problem.

Sex is not a metric. It is a mirror. It reflects what is happening in your relationship. It is a warning light. It is the pink canary.

You can’t perform your way into her desire.

Have you stopped seducing her? Do you still make her feel seen, chosen, taken care of? Without expecting anything in return?

Her pussy knows the difference between genuine care and giving to get.

Pick one task. Own it. Do it without being asked. Do it the way she likes. Do it consistently. Until her nervous system believes you. That is what builds safety. That is what builds desire.

When power is unequal, desire dies

Look at the power dynamics. Who sets the tone? Whose libido sets the pace? Who carries the emotional weight? Who gets to rest? Who gets praised for doing the bare minimum?

Most women are in relationships where they have less power, less say, and less freedom. Even when they earn more. The structure is still patriarchal. And when power is imbalanced, desire dies.

Ask better questions if you want better intimacy.

Stop asking how to get her to initiate. Ask, would I want to have sex with myself? Ask, what power am I willing to give up so we can build something centered on connection and pleasure?

Because when women feel safe, emotionally and erotically, that is where it gets good.

And if you are ready to learn how to make that shift, join me for the next round of Pleasure Principles. We start on June 25. [Join Us HERE]

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