#178 Scheduling Sex Isn't The Holy Grail Solution to a Sexless Relationship

I used to be the doctor on national television telling couples to schedule sex. I even wrote about it in my book The Pink Canary. And I’ve learned so much since then.

Not because scheduling sex was inherently wrong. But it became one more way for high-functioning women like us to be set up to fail.

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It’s sneaky. So sneaky. We don’t see it. We think, “If we just put time on the calendar and show up, it’s all gonna be great.” But that’s the lie. “If we just communicate better.” It will happen naturally. I used to believe that, too.

Let’s be real.

Therapists suggest scheduling sex like it’s the holy grail solution to a sexless relationship. But it only works when both partners genuinely want it. When both people desire each other, and the intimacy feels shared. When life’s just gotten busy and they both think, “Yeah, I’m in, let’s do this.”

But that’s not the case for most of the women I work with.

For my clients**, scheduling sex often creates more issues.** More unmet needs. More resentment. Because they’re the ones doing the emotional labor, they’re the ones shaving their legs, managing the kids, planning the “date.” And when the other partner isn’t equally invested, it becomes coercion. A setup.

If your partner doesn’t want it like you do, scheduling sex is just another power play. It’s one more box on the to-do list. One more thing you have to manage.

When Scheduling Becomes a Burden

There are two common ways this plays out.

One: she has a lower desire and is still doing all the labor. Scheduling, prepping, trying to make it “work.” She’s tired. It feels like an obligation. It widens the gap.

Two: She has a higher desire. She’s walking on eggshells, thinking about when and how to bring it up, suggesting a connection only to be met with disappointment. Now she feels like she’s begging. And that’s not sexy.

Both ways? Setups.

We were talking about this in The Pleasure Principles group coaching. One of my clients said, “We hadn’t had sex in a year, and when we finally scheduled it, it felt like a task. It was awkward. Forced. An obligation.”

Exactly.

When we’re not dealing with the root issues, like power dynamics, pleasure education, pleasure mastery, scheduling sex just adds to the burnout. Adds to the disconnection.

And the truth? Most of the women I work with need to do less. Not more. They need rest, reverence, support. Not another task to manage.

Let’s Talk About Power

Power dynamics are the contracts we never signed. The ones we don’t know exist. The ones designed to give one person power over another. And for high-achieving superwomen with traits like endurance, trust, empathy, and openness, we try harder. Even when it hurts.

We don’t feel emotionally safe, but we keep showing up. Keep bending. Keep over-functioning.

Sometimes we’re even in relationships where we earn more. Run businesses. Are the primary breadwinner. And still, we’re expected to do it all. All the emotional, physical, and mental labor. Then schedule the sex on top of that? It’s too much.

Sometimes we’ve been taught that withholding sex is the problem. That our desire is broken. That we’re not trying hard enough. But what if the problem isn’t us? What if the problem is that we’re in dynamics that were never designed for our pleasure?

What’s Really Missing

The real issue isn’t frequency. It’s emotional labor. It’s resentment. It’s a power imbalance.

And that’s why I created the [Pleasure Path Assessment] because you need to understand what’s actually happening in your relationship and in your body. Why therapy hasn’t worked. Why communication tools aren’t enough. Why your sex drive feels gone. [Grab Your Assessment Here]

You were never the problem.

You’ve just been trying to fix something with the wrong tools.

One of my clients said it best: “I felt like I was the one setting the rules, carving out the time, doing all the work, and he was just waiting for the miracle.”

That’s not intimacy. That’s burnout.

So What Do We Do?

We stop performing. Start feeling. Start by asking better questions.

• Do I feel safe?

• Do I feel seen?

• Can I name my desires?

• Do I know how I want to be touched?

When we stop living from a state of survival, from our lizard brain, and start reconnecting with our bodies, we begin to receive. We soften. We return to desire.

Your body isn’t broken. You were just never taught how to do intimacy your way. For your life. For your nervous system. For your actual needs.

The [Pleasure Path Assessment] is your roadmap back to that. And it works because it names the things no one else is talking about. It’s power, emotional labor, and erotic shutdown.

This isn’t just about sex. It’s about being met. Fully. Finally.